Hi Allora - are the friends of the opposite sex also friends of your spouse, and vice verse? Are these friends of the opposite sex in a couple, and you can engage socially as couples, as opposed to 1:1 only?

Just a thought...

The male friends I have kept in the past have usually been *just* my friends and have mostly been online friends. They may have been guys I've known in person in the past, but we have exclusively communicate online since me moving away, or whatever.

One of my biggest hobbies has been blogging and playing online games, so it's easy to keep in touch and meet people that way. A few of the guy friends I have had have been only single while I've known them while some have been in various stages of relationships (like - we met when he was single, but through the course of our friendship he dated and then married someone.) There's no set pattern, and most certainly no "one" guy who has always been my "go to" guy. In general, these were not "risky" friendships, though some were because I was confiding and sharing with these guys and NOT sharing with my husband.

For example, I would complain about the things my husband did or didn't do - painting a picture of a crappy husband. I was just "venting" but in retrospect, I can see how that might have come across to the guys I was talking to as "I've got one foot out the door, so if you wanna make a play, it's all good." Even if it didn't send a vague invitation to the guys I was friends with, by getting my needs met elsewhere, I was not ever giving my husband the chance to meet my needs (especially for conversation and someone to spend time with.) I justified this by telling myself my husband wasn't interested - but even if he had been, I was unavailable.

Neither of us currently have any opposite gender friends that we socialize with as couples.

As for my husband, he has females with whom he's "friendly" - I'm not sure if they're fully considered friends, but I could see it blossoming into a friendship. Every single one that I know if is either single or unhappily married. (OK that makes it sound like a ton of women, but I guess it's really only 4 that i know of.) One of the women is someone he works with who is recently divorced and has proclaimed herself that she's "on the prowl". Another was someone I thought we were mutually friends with but after she found out about the affair she stopped talking to me entirely, where on the other hand she will text him at 2, 3, 4 am... invite him over for breakfast after work... and say things like, "I'm bored and lonely. Call or come over," while he's working. Uh?? Sure - maybe she is "just a friend" but all this seems like breeding ground for another affair.

We broached the subject again last night and I tried so hard to explain to him that friends who are happily married and who would support our marriage are comfortable to me. Single friends (even guys) who encourage(d) the affair are not welcome in our lives. In his work place, several guys are totally bro fisting and high-fiving him because of the affair! I find behavior and acceptance and encouragement of poor choices to be reprehensible.

I don't know. If a recently divorced male friend/co-worker sent him a drunk text saying, "I'm lonely. Come over when you get off work," I'd assume it was because he was really depressed and just wanted to talk. I wouldn't assume dude was trying to get my husband in bed. But when his female friend/co-worker says that, I just get extremely uncomfortable.

I've even asked him, "Well, when that comes up, why can't we both go over and talk to her?" He thinks that's a stupid idea. I don't get why? If she's truly depressed/lonely, wouldn't any company be nice? Why does it have to be him - alone?

(I should add...)

In my husband's defense, he has not taken any women up on invitations for breakfasts or even gone over to console his recently divorced female co-worker. He has kept to just conversations on the phone and via texts. So far.

I think that you are both in the red zone and skirting with danger. Would it help when you are struggling to explain to your H the importance of ONLY having friends of the marriage, and statistically speaking, his conduct with female co-workers puts him in significant danger for a repeat A offense? Is that what he really wants? How about highlighting the sections of Dr. Glass' book and giving it to him to read?

Your H's female co-workers need a therapist, or a good support group for the recently divorced. They do NOT need a married man to listen to their divorce angst and to come to their aid.

I would personally be aghast and disgusted if my H's co-workers knew about his A, and were "high fiving" him for his achievement in violating his marriage vows. Does your H realize that his wife is being publically humiliated by this?

I am sorry to sound harsh, but my perception of what you describe is that there is a lot of immature behavior going on for both of you.

Do you both really want to be married at this stage in life?

Yes, we both really want to be married. And yes, a lot of immature behavior has gone on - and worse than immature, outright destructive. I think like most bad habits, you don't realize how bad they are til the poo hits the fan.

The A was a real wake up call for both of us. We have 20 years of destructive habits to break, but we've both been working very hard, which is why I was so baffled at H's reaction about friends of the opposite sex. You'd think it wouldn't matter since he doesn't really have many friends, much less many of the opposite sex.

H's co-workers (male and female) all need slaps upside the head, but I doubt even that would help them.

H's A was with a work associate. (Her office works closely with his office, sort of thing.) Someone *else* from her office is now having an A with someone else in *his* office. (What the heck? Is this the new fad? Makes me sick.) There were several people in the office speculating on the A and the dude said smugly to my H, "Well, YOU know what it's like, right buddy?"

H flew off the handle. His superiors knew about the A (I made sure of that) but no one else knew except this guy apparently found out from the OW. Other than that, H had kept it very hushhush at work, but in front of a full room of people H said, "Yes, I cheated on my wife. It was the single worst thing I have ever done in my life." He went on about how he had ruined his life, my life and our family and that if anyone had any questions he would answer them, but that he found it disgusting that anyone would condone that sort of behavior.

I don't know if he made that stand realizing that it would have been humiliating to me or if it was because he felt so ashamed and humiliated. He has never ever been proud of what happened. Other guys in his office? Not-so-remorseful. Most feel they are justified in their actions and even those whose marriages have ended in divorce still blame anyone else but themselves.

I so badly want to say something to the top boss there, but I think it'd fall on deaf ears. I just don't understand how a place that claims to be so ethical can maintain such standards in the work place.

Regardless, I can't change his work place. I can only try to make him aware of what I now see, which is the dangers of having close opposite gender friends who don't have any reason to be supportive of our marriage. Really, that was sort of the intent of my original post was to try to explain to H *why* I felt that way. Highlighting sections of Dr. Glass' book is a good idea (it's a digital copy, so a little less practical than paper copy, but still possible). I wish he would just read the stinking book himself so that he would have the same information I have.

I think you should drop the other-sex friends while you are rebuilding because it just adds to the complexity of your issues. But hopefully in time you'll be able to have *appropriate* other-sex friendships.