if you would have asked me five years ago what my life was like, I would have told you perfect.  And I would have been lying to everyone, including myself.  Betrayal has no time stamp.  It follows you and aches you to your core.  Gets into your skin, consumes your thoughts, dims your light, it changes you forever. It provides you with a new perspective on life...relationships.  Trouble is, that is not always a positive thing.  Some people like to cling to their naivity, others become sinical.  You see I am not so sure that etiher of those are healthy means to live.  But here I am...finding myself 5 years later trying manuever through both my sinicism and naivity.  You see, I was betrayed for years.  It left me shattered.  It added to my already overflowing sense of inadequacy.  I already felt as though I wasn't enough.  I could never make my husband happy.  It wasn't enough that I dropped from 188 to my pre baby weight of 135.  I had to attend the gym at minimum of 3 times a week to fully prove myself...and even then I was still minimized.  Porn, gentlemen's clubs, searches for escorts and casual encounters over craigslist invaded my marriage.  I had a terrible up-bringing where I had a mother who married 7 times.  You read that correctly...SEVEN times.  So I was determined to not fail at mine.  I was determined to be submissive, to agree, to conform, to do whatever it took to make my husband happy.  I frequented the gentlemen's club with my husband, allowed him to buy me special time upstairs so he could watch.  This is how we spent our quality time together the 4 weekends of our 13 year long marriage.  The rest of the time, I was a dutiful wife and mother of 2 children who tended to the house,worked full time, and never deprived him of intamacy.  I did my part to keep it alive and spiced up.  I just could never quite measure up.  I wasn't a nag, I never asked about late nights at work. I supported him through 4 lengthy deployments.  Let me paint a picture...15 months, 13 months, 12 months, and 9 months apart...home long enough to have two children (barely).  Endured the ultimate test of faith, with our 4 year old having brain surgery, alone...while he deployed.  House flood...catastrophic move out of state.  You name it...Murphy's law of deployments followed me like the plague.  I never complained.  I stayed strong...or so I told myself.  I supported from afar and valued his service to his country.  I love the military...and I loved being his wife...I only didnt like how he made me feel when he treated me these ways.  In the end...the request for consentual third party in our bedroom practical broke my spirit and all but destroyed my esteem and confidence as a woman.  I divorced him in 2014.  My situation now...is what I am struggling with.  More on that later....