Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I've been searching these boards trying to find some piece of info that is going to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. The problem is our situation is very unique and f'd up.
It all started 5 weeks ago when dh was struggling with some severe sleep issues. He had not slept in days and came down telling me that he had placed God in the drivers seat of his life and that he needed to confess some things to me. He proceeded to tell me of a bunch of indiscretions he had through out our 17 years together. Most of them were when we first started dating and ranged from kissing and dancing inappropriately with girls when he was out at clubs with the guys to inappropriate behavior at strip clubs. The worst however occurred with a former friend of mine prior to getting married and was something he very intentionally set out to do.
In addition to those incidents, he had 3 incidents that occurred after we were married that he never intended but occurred when he was drunk. 2 of those occurred in strip clubs. None of his offenses included intercourse.
I was floored. This was not the man I knew. My husband has never been anything but loving and completely devoted to me.
I didn't respond in the way I thought I would when he told me. I think part of that was because I had a deep dark secret of my own. Shortly before we were married, I unintentionally found myself wrapped up in an affair with a guy at work. It started out when I was drunk at a club. It had been a couple of years since I had felt those butterfly feelings with my then fiance and so I was taken by surprise when this guy, my friend, kissed me and my body responded. I totally felt that my body was broken. I don't know how I allowed myself to get caught up but I did. I ended it after a couple months and vowed that I would die with that knowledge. I learned from my experience just how easy it was for these things to happen when you least expected. From that point on, I was very careful about my interactions with men. Through out our marriage, I've never so much as given a guy a second look or flirted.
After our confessions, my husband and I were both shocked but determined to heal. The first 2 weeks, things were great. We spent hours discussing everything. I had struggled sexually through out our marriage and for the first time I felt free and we experienced the most amazing intimacy ever. We were together daily and some times several times a day.
Then my husbands anger came. Frequently at night and it would last a couple days. We were still being intimate but I would endure periods of verbal beat downs about what I had done to him. All the while him forgetting all he had done to me.
This all escalated last Saturday. We had a great day but around dinner time there was a noticeable change and my husband was struggling. We dropped everything and went to get him a punching bag so that he wouldn't take out his anger on me and had a healthy way to get his anger out. We got home and I was trying to get the kids settled so we could focus on getting the bag up. My husband lost it. He ended up taking off and the last thing he said to me was "I'm going to go find someone to f**k so you know what it feels like".
I got the kids set up with coloring eggs and made a couple calls. I had a neighbor come so I could drive around and look for him. I didn't find him. I was texting his friends, he left his phone, to see if anyone had seen him. I thought to look at our bank account to see where he was. Through some investigation, I discovered he was in Canada so I then knew what he was up to.
He came home shortly and told me he now knew what I meant when I said it was possible to have sex and not be in love or have it feel the same as it does when you are in love. I lost it. He said he couldn't go all the way through with it and it only lasted 30 seconds because he felt so guilty. I'm trying to find some comfort in that.
I've been completely lost since then. Mostly angry at first, then numb, today I'm depressed. We did have an emergency counseling session on Tuesday which helped but I haven't been able to do anything they recommended. We go for counseling with the MC starting on Tuesday. I guess I'm just very skeptical that this is going to work.
How do I get over the fact that we were doing so well and he chose to go have sex out of revenge just to hurt me.
we've been married for 13 years, our anniversary is the day we go for MC. We have always had a good marriage. I don't know how to get passed the fact that for the last month I felt more in love with him than ever and now this last week I feel nothing for him.
Is there any hope for us? We have 2 children, I don't believe in divorce and don't want a divorce but I don't want to go on like this.
My husband has been doing everything he can think of to try and show me how sorry he is but it isn't working. This man who never does laundry or cleans up has been doing that in addition to cooking and taking care of the kids. Part of me is angry that he can't read my mind and do what I wish he was do, but then I don't even know what that is.
Sorry this is so long.
It all started 5 weeks ago when dh was struggling with some severe sleep issues. He had not slept in days and came down telling me that he had placed God in the drivers seat of his life and that he needed to confess some things to me. He proceeded to tell me of a bunch of indiscretions he had through out our 17 years together. Most of them were when we first started dating and ranged from kissing and dancing inappropriately with girls when he was out at clubs with the guys to inappropriate behavior at strip clubs. The worst however occurred with a former friend of mine prior to getting married and was something he very intentionally set out to do.
In addition to those incidents, he had 3 incidents that occurred after we were married that he never intended but occurred when he was drunk. 2 of those occurred in strip clubs. None of his offenses included intercourse.
I was floored. This was not the man I knew. My husband has never been anything but loving and completely devoted to me.
I didn't respond in the way I thought I would when he told me. I think part of that was because I had a deep dark secret of my own. Shortly before we were married, I unintentionally found myself wrapped up in an affair with a guy at work. It started out when I was drunk at a club. It had been a couple of years since I had felt those butterfly feelings with my then fiance and so I was taken by surprise when this guy, my friend, kissed me and my body responded. I totally felt that my body was broken. I don't know how I allowed myself to get caught up but I did. I ended it after a couple months and vowed that I would die with that knowledge. I learned from my experience just how easy it was for these things to happen when you least expected. From that point on, I was very careful about my interactions with men. Through out our marriage, I've never so much as given a guy a second look or flirted.
After our confessions, my husband and I were both shocked but determined to heal. The first 2 weeks, things were great. We spent hours discussing everything. I had struggled sexually through out our marriage and for the first time I felt free and we experienced the most amazing intimacy ever. We were together daily and some times several times a day.
Then my husbands anger came. Frequently at night and it would last a couple days. We were still being intimate but I would endure periods of verbal beat downs about what I had done to him. All the while him forgetting all he had done to me.
This all escalated last Saturday. We had a great day but around dinner time there was a noticeable change and my husband was struggling. We dropped everything and went to get him a punching bag so that he wouldn't take out his anger on me and had a healthy way to get his anger out. We got home and I was trying to get the kids settled so we could focus on getting the bag up. My husband lost it. He ended up taking off and the last thing he said to me was "I'm going to go find someone to f**k so you know what it feels like".
I got the kids set up with coloring eggs and made a couple calls. I had a neighbor come so I could drive around and look for him. I didn't find him. I was texting his friends, he left his phone, to see if anyone had seen him. I thought to look at our bank account to see where he was. Through some investigation, I discovered he was in Canada so I then knew what he was up to.
He came home shortly and told me he now knew what I meant when I said it was possible to have sex and not be in love or have it feel the same as it does when you are in love. I lost it. He said he couldn't go all the way through with it and it only lasted 30 seconds because he felt so guilty. I'm trying to find some comfort in that.
I've been completely lost since then. Mostly angry at first, then numb, today I'm depressed. We did have an emergency counseling session on Tuesday which helped but I haven't been able to do anything they recommended. We go for counseling with the MC starting on Tuesday. I guess I'm just very skeptical that this is going to work.
How do I get over the fact that we were doing so well and he chose to go have sex out of revenge just to hurt me.
we've been married for 13 years, our anniversary is the day we go for MC. We have always had a good marriage. I don't know how to get passed the fact that for the last month I felt more in love with him than ever and now this last week I feel nothing for him.
Is there any hope for us? We have 2 children, I don't believe in divorce and don't want a divorce but I don't want to go on like this.
My husband has been doing everything he can think of to try and show me how sorry he is but it isn't working. This man who never does laundry or cleans up has been doing that in addition to cooking and taking care of the kids. Part of me is angry that he can't read my mind and do what I wish he was do, but then I don't even know what that is.
Sorry this is so long.
It seems like I take one step forward and 2 steps back. Just trying to make it til tuesday to meet with the counselor.
I seem to be questioning everything and struggling with my feelings for my husband. I don't feel anything for him right now which scares me. Then I question if I ever felt anything for him. It makes me feel like a head case.
Ther is hope but both partners need to admit their faults work on the rebuilding process and above all have full transparency of their actions. It takes time and patience. Love alone is not enough. It sounds like you are both wanting the same thing. This place here at ds is a great place to get feedback and advice from others who are going through similar situations. I hope you find some peace here and in your marriage.