Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season.
I need a little input from rebuilders. I am committed to rebuilding, but I still have gnawing moments of questioning the decision to stay and rebuild. I find myself concerned about whether I am choosing to stay in my lifestyle and abandoning my future happiness. The thoughts of always being suspicious, wondering if it might happen again, feeling like a fool if it did, moving on at a much older age if it does, and on and on, still play in my head.
I am 4 months from DDay. My H has done everything "right" since DDay (well, actually since the 2nd DDay a week later when the real truth came out). He immediately sought counseling, goes to MC with me, has read every book that has presented itself, has watched Marriage Builder videos, read the books and we are starting the workbook. But still, this profound sadness overcomes me, at times, and my mind goes to that place of....is this the life you want, forever?
My question to you all is, were you there too? Am I being too hard on myself just 4 months out? How did you answer these gnawing concerns in your mind? How did you get "over the hump"? Are my thoughts those of someone who fails at rebuilding? Is my pride standing in the way? Is my shattered ego revolting and wanting justice?
Thoughts are greatly appreciated.
I need a little input from rebuilders. I am committed to rebuilding, but I still have gnawing moments of questioning the decision to stay and rebuild. I find myself concerned about whether I am choosing to stay in my lifestyle and abandoning my future happiness. The thoughts of always being suspicious, wondering if it might happen again, feeling like a fool if it did, moving on at a much older age if it does, and on and on, still play in my head.
I am 4 months from DDay. My H has done everything "right" since DDay (well, actually since the 2nd DDay a week later when the real truth came out). He immediately sought counseling, goes to MC with me, has read every book that has presented itself, has watched Marriage Builder videos, read the books and we are starting the workbook. But still, this profound sadness overcomes me, at times, and my mind goes to that place of....is this the life you want, forever?
My question to you all is, were you there too? Am I being too hard on myself just 4 months out? How did you answer these gnawing concerns in your mind? How did you get "over the hump"? Are my thoughts those of someone who fails at rebuilding? Is my pride standing in the way? Is my shattered ego revolting and wanting justice?
Thoughts are greatly appreciated.
Every day is still a choice for me. I don't wake up thinking, "Should I stay or should I go?" but I do wake up every day thinking, "How can I make staying the best possible choice?" Sometimes this means taking hard actions - like telling my husband the ways in which I am unhappy or want to see change, even knowing it will cause conflict. Sometimes it's joyful actions like making loving gestures toward my husband or planning enjoyable time together. The big thing is - life isn't just happening to me, I'm making choices and taking action every day, which helps the little control freak in me feel safe and happy, and also ensures that I'm doing all I can to build a better future.
Does this mean we're fail proof? Nope. My husband could cheat again. He could just one day decide to leave. There are no guarantees. But : at least now I have some idea of what I'd do, where I'd go, how I'd handle it. I would (of course) still be blind sided and hurt and have to go through healing all over again, but at least I'd have a plan of action that I never had the first time.
Another thing that can help get you over those plateaus of healing is to go out of YOUR way to reach out to your husband. As betrayed spouses, we often feel that the wayward spouses should be the ones doing all the work, but the fact is, when you go out of YOUR way for your husband (even if you sort of have to fake it til you make it) you'll start to feel more love for him. You'd think it would be the other way around, but oddly, doing for others makes you love them more.
Don't misunderstand, I don't mean that you should make some terrible sacrifice or do something you don't want to do, but try writing him a love letter or cooking a special dinner for him or planning a day out together or... something. Do whatever you'd enjoy doing that you know he'd find to be a loving gesture, too. Sometimes focusing on why you're together and putting forth that effort to bond can make a huge difference. Love doesn't "just happen" it takes a little work sometimes.
I think it's reasonable to have doubts 4 months post DDAY. I think it's reasonable a year post DDAY, honestly, though everyone heals at different rates. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is to picture life the way you want it to be and every day take steps toward getting to that beautiful picture in your mind. My mantra was (is!!) to ask myself repeatedly, "Is this constructive or destructive?" Is being protective of yourself constructive? Yes : to a point it absolutely is. Is being paranoid or on edge 24/7 constructive? No - but at this point it's still a natural reaction that will (so long as he keeps doing his part) fade with time.
You're doing really well. Both of you. Be gentle on yourself and on him. Some people are in fabulous places after four months of recovery - but I would say the vast majority are still on very, very fragile ground. Your journey is unique to you, but it doesn't sound at all like you're veering far off track or going in the wrong direction. If you came saying, "I don't care what he does, I will never be ever to forgive him," or "I plan on showing him by having sex with our gardener," or "I have hired an assassin to kill him," yeah... I'd say there wasn't much of a shot for recover, but right now, it's just too soon to tell, but it SOUNDS like you guys are really doing OK.
Hang in there and take care of you.
But assuming he stays on the narrow path and proves himself over time to not return to the pig trough, that insecurity will fade. It gradually gets better. In my case, I think I became comfortable with it sometime between years 2 and 3. Between 1 and 2, I began to feel like life was established into a new normal that started feeling normal instead of new, and I was overall happy with it. Your time frame may be different, but assuming he does his part, you won't always feel this way. If you do after 2-3 years, then it might be time for more individual counseling to find out what his holding that up. But you can cross that bridge if and when you come to it.
What you are feeling right now is normal for your stage. Unless you can identify something he is doing or not doing that is a concern, this is likely just normal trauma reactions. As the danger passes, so shall this fear. But it may take several months to a couple years to fully get there. Don't be too hard on yourself this early in the game.
as the "honeymoon" phase wore off and we became complacent, I questioned everything. I'm 4.5 years out and whenever we hit a bump I regress. However we recover quicker now.
I get what alora is saying about the having a plan b. I know what my life as a single mom would look like and I choose to be in my marriage. Im not having anymore kids so it wouldn't be "starting over" for me if we divorced. It would just be taking a left turn. As far as always wondering if it could or is happening again will likely happen with the next guy. Usually the next guy Will get less trust because of your history. There's so much to consider when rebuilding.
We had a really rough MC session last night. I felt he blindsided me and attacked me for something I said over the holiday. I had asked him if he could come sit in the kitchen with me now and then, as I spend a lot of time there and I usually see the back of his head watching TV and feel pretty alone. Well, over the holiday, he brought the chair in the kitchen and sat there and watched the TV. I later thanked him for sitting with me and asked if he might try not having the TV on next time. He said, ok, I understand. Then last night I get hit with him telling the MC that no matter he does it isn't good enough, and relates the chair story. I lost it. I told him that was exactly what he did before the A....did not talk about how he felt he just went and did whatever he wanted to please himself. Needless to say I cried during the whole session and am crying again typing it. This is the kind of BS that makes me feel this will never work.
I am somewhat calmer today, but this lack of being able to discuss OPENLY how he feels makes me crazy. I feel I have been very patient and have discussed my need for honest open communication on such a regular basis that it makes me feel he either does not care to listen or he is just seeing how far he can push me before I say enough.
I keep telling myself that this is a big change for him to make, I should be patient, I should help him feel safe expressing feelings, but at my core I just want to scream.
Four months, it is just 4 months.....4 months, it is just 4 months......4 months, it is just 4 months. Lord, I hope I make it through this time thing.
my husband sees the elephant and has time to absorb the idea that we meed to talk. The first time was more about me feeling guilty over my lack of libido and wanting to find a common ground. His response was great. He was receptive to talking. It also helped that the first time was not about what he's doing wrong.
I would suggest you try having an open discussion with him about your self concerns so its not about him or his shit. Sort sets a good tone to start the conversation. If he's receptive, you might be able to Segway into other stuff without him feeling like it's always about his wrong doings.
That may not be the method that works for you but it was deffinately helpful for me.
HowCanThisB: I actually found that counseling sometimes aggravated wounds more than it FELT like it was healing them. The reason? You gotta clean all the dirt and grime out of a wound for it to heal properly - but it hurts like a mofo to do so. This goes for both parties. You were trying to make your needs known, but weren't specific enough for him (can you hear my eyes rolling? but only because my huz does the same dang thing) and he feels belittled and attacked.
Believe me, we go through this - a LOT. It has a LOT to do with communication styles. So even though going to counseling and airing this stuff out is painful and uncomfortable and feels all attack-y - remember: FEEDBACK IS A GIFT. He (hopefully!!) will learn to give his feedback in a more appropriate way that doesn't feel so much like an attack, and you (hopefully!) will be able to communicate your needs to him in a way he can understand as opportunity and not attack. But: it takes practice.
Also, it has a lot to do with different needs. You wanted him to come into the kitchen and chat with you and bond. He doesn't see that as a "recreational" activity the way he does TV, and probably doesn't feel conversation a way to get closer the way you do. He's probably like a lot of dudes who feels like a conversation should have a purpose - thus it's WORK, not leisure. There are ways to compromise on this. My husband is huuuuuge on touch - not just sexual, either. If this was our scenario, I would say, "Hey, if you turn off the TV and come sit in the kitchen and chat with me, I will massage your neck and shoulders for you." Win win. You'll just have ti figure out what the "win" is for your husband, you know? Oh. And. My husband is miserable at conversation, so I'd have to take the lead and pick a subject he's passionate about in order to get the ball rolling.
We talk about sci-fi books and video games. A lot.
Heh. But it bonds us closer and fulfills my need, so I'm cool with it.
I know this is a cruddy kind of "normal" - but truly, what you're going through is normal. Growth hurts. No getting around it. But you two are growing and if you see each hurt as an opportunity instead of an attack, you'll both be out ahead.