Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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chewdy 09/28/2009

H was asked to leave counseling a month ago and told to get individual help. He was to call EAP and get some referal for someone to see. Well because he is a supervisor at his job he is hesitant because he does not want his supervisor to know( I think) . Well , I am getting upset that he has not done this yet and he said to me last evning , I will tell you when I call, "do you think I won't tell you" . I just don't know what to think , why is he not wanting to seek out individual help??? does anyone have any ideals. I have not had any feelings that he is continuing the relationship with the OW. Also, please let me know what you all think, If they worked together and he went back to work after beoing out on disability for a few weeks after telling her over the phone that "we are working on our marriage" Does anyone think she might try to contact him sometime since he has been back for two weeks. Do the others just back off that easily????

deleted_user 09/28/2009

I can understand some concern with the type of counseling he may receive. While there is confidentiality involved, an employer can use counseling against him. (Of course, not legal, but we all know an employer can trump anything up, support it by pointing out counseling, and make it stick.) We talked about it, agreeing that couple's counseling is looked at and accepted in a different light. Is it possible that he is weighing out whether this may affect his job somehow, which in turn could result in lack of income, possible lack of unemployment, and in general, another blow to your couple structure?

chewdy 09/28/2009

Thank you for pointing out some thoughts. I know that his job is of concern becasue he was just out for 12 weeks due to back surgery and the lack of funds has become a stress.

deleted_user 09/28/2009

I thought EAP was supposed to be confidential through his company. Mine is! I would think he'd be ok. Or he should call it "Marriage counseling" if he's more comfortable with that but he can talk about whatever he needs to. I would be worried if he's stalling on setting it up. But I'm like that. Are you still going to counseling too? If so, I'd talk to your counselor about this and what it means if he stalls in setting it up. Does your H seem devoted to making this right in other ways, or is he evasive in other ways?

For me, I wouldn't trust any OW, no matter what he told her. I would have him check in with you throughout the day for your peace of mind. And ask him if she's contacted him, check his cell and see if he'll let you look at his work email (if he gets it on a blackberry or can access it at home). It's a lot to ask but for your peace of mind, that's what I'd do.

I hope it turns out that you have nothing to worry about!

deleted_user 10/18/2009

SOmetimes you have too insist they do something for you. Him seeking individual counceling should not be something he is required to do to make your marriage work, not a choice. I would never trust an OW. I know the OW that my H had an affair with tried to contact him after he broke it off. We do not know how the mind of an OW works because we would never think the way they do. We would never have an A and cause the tremendous pain that we have gone through.

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