I contacted the OW- but she didnt know it was me. I needed answers and clarifications and to see if her answers lined up with my H's... this took some manipulating- but i got my answers and felt better and it helped me move on. But if you dont feel you need it- then why would you want to? Are there any answers you need from her?

I have contacted ow. One thing it might provide is some closure. I hate that word. I wouldn't do it unless you feel the need. I needed to, it helped me in my recovery, but I was terrified.

loving I had a tremendous urge to contact the OW if only to get her story and see if she was remorseful. I called her 11 months after d-day and had a 30 minute conversation with her. Contrary to what I thought, she was NOT remorseful, she disclosed things that she thought I couldn't possibly know (I knew) and she gloated about the details. I wish I had taped the conversation... it left me very unsatisfied.

I had been working on a letter starting about 4 months after d-day, just writing whatever came to mind about how horrible I know she is and defending my marriage and terrible, terrible stuff that I would never say to another human being. I would work on this letter whenever the going got tough, whenever there was a new revelation not so much about my pain but about how much I hated her for what she did to me and my marriage.

I never revealed this letter to my H until one day in Sept. (about a year after d-day). I was having a particularly bad day obsessing about the OW, telling my H that she just continues on her merry way while she has brought all of this pain down on me, it's not fair, he gave her that power... and then I read him the letter. Previous to this he has always said that she's callous and doesn't care what I would say to her, that she would blow it off and it wouldn't matter and that I could never hurt her feelings because she's too shallow to understand.

Well, after reading the NINE page letter to him his only words were "send it". There were no lies in that letter. The main gist of it was that she (sorry if I offend) fucked my husband for nothing in return... no gifts, no dinners, no days spent together. (He did live with her for 8 days just before d-day... read my journal) My husband used her for the sole purpose of getting himself off and made her no promises, for the most part he used her and left within the hour. She was a cheap flabby slut with no self esteem and no relationships. This was the gist X 1000.

I dropped the letter off at her apartment behind her screen door. My H in full disclosure told me which stairway he took to her back door (how appropriate). She copied the letter and left it in my H's mailbox at work with a note telling him where she found it and that he should get me the help I need! She thought that he didn't know about the letter. He wrote on the first page of the letter in big bold black magic marker "Crawl back under the rock that you came out of and do not contact us again".

I, like you, don't have much reason to go to his workplace anymore either (a school). I was very active there when my kids were going but it's been a year and a half since my daughter graduated. But he's been there coaching going on 20 years and he's full time administration now and she's only been there four. There is no possible way that just because she works there that I will stay away and as a matter of fact she has seen me at every one of his games since this A has come to light. She's the one that has to deal.

I admire you for not feeling the need to confront/contact her. I just could not do it.

I think the chose should be yours. If you don't feel the need to then don't. I had too. But Again,The was me. You do what is right for you.

I should have said I had to because something in me had to scare the freakin Piss out of her. Which I did. ;)

I dream of sending her a horrid letter. Good for you, rel8. It did make me feel better that she is completely ignorant and uneducated and has no class whatsoever. I found this out by talking to her online and it gave power back to me. I know it was wrong to do, posing as a man interested in her, but after a half hour of conversation and me making no advances- she sent me lude pictures of herself. How tacky and slutty. It made me feel sorry for her for a second- how simple minded she must be. I reveled in every typo and grammar error.... did make me think.... WTF was he thinking?!

That letter was a turning point for me SleepingB. It allowed me to convey just how I felt about her and put that obsession to rest. It IS all about the power... real or imagined.

Thanks for all your thoughts. As much as (I think) that I would like her to contact me and apologize, I don't really think I NEED it. I understand so well why the A happened. And I believe my H when he says how they both felt terrible.

Part of me wishes I could think of her as a whore or slut. But I can't because I know her and know a lot about her life. In another reality, she is the type of person I could be friends with. While she should have not given in to the feelings she had for my H, she did, out of her own hurt and confusion. And HE made the choice too, and HE bares the brunt of the responsibility.

I know some people have affairs just for the excitement and the sex, but I don't believe that was the case here. The sex was not great, and whatever excitement they might have felt quickly turned to guilt. I believe my husband when he talks about it...I can see it in his eyes.

Some day I will probably cross her path. But I don't see the need to contact her now. I can find no benefit to doing that, for me or for my H. I have no desire to freak her out either. But I do wish for her a constant pang of regret at what she was part of.

I struggle with the same issue, whether or not to contact the OW. I know the OW; she had been a friend of mine. We went to lunch , had coffee, shared birthday parties, holidays and ski trips. We had great conversations and were really very similar (or so I thought.) She divorced her husband before her A with mine -- though I don't believe she divorced because of my husband I do believe that she had feelings for him by then. I used to fantasize about a letter of apology from her, or about confronting her and letting all our mutual acquaintances know what she did. But I do think that there is nothing that she could say to me that would make me feel better. I played a part in this unfortunate event; I understand that I contributed equally to the distance in our marriage and I understand that she felt lonely just like my husband-- she had been divorced for nearly seven years before her A with my spouse. I have decided, for now, not to contact her since I feel it would provide no opportunity for growth or understanding for her, for me or for my husband at this time. I wish you well and hope for success with your rebuilding.

I thought about having a conversation with the OW but not knowing how I would respond or what I might say deterred me from doing so. I didnt want to lose my cool and give her back the power, or say something that could be used against me....I did however send he a letter. The first was a pamphlet i sent her via mail that was on STD prevention. I wrote in "OOPS guess you should of had protection when screwing other peoples husbands." I wrote a few other things in like " just wanted to give you a heads on so you know what to tell your doctor when things start appearing, it could be days, months or years... (it was a genital wart flier...she doesnt know that we dont have anything) I wanted to make her sweat... not only for the STD's but also by knowing that I knew her address. I sent her an email after she attempted to contact my H reminding her of how little she meant to him.... that i felt sorry for her that even a man who is using her for sex says things like "shes flabby" and "wasnt very good, she just layed there" I told her I didnt believe my husband until I heard about it from other married men she had pursued. (yes she is a spider woman). I said .. I dont know how you could take peoples sloppy seconds seeing that the majority of times you screwed my husband was after I had... did you not (sorry DS folks) taste me on him? (I said a few more things that Ill spare you guys) I wished her well with her pursuit of self esteem, and told her she is not to contact my H ever again. i did tell her .. "you can call me if you need too... you have the number"

I FELT SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER AFTER SENDING ALL THAT!!!!!!!!! she didnt try to contact him again for a few weeks.... she called him at work and tried to chat.. he hung up with her and called me. I immediately sent her a message " trying to chat? seriously? DONT PRESS ME. the next day my H sent her an email telling her he has no desire to chat, talk or see her ever again. telling her not to contact him again, other than professionaly ( yes he has to deal with her at work sometimes) it has been 3 weeks and so far so good..... we'll see.

sorry about the long post but I started typing and it kept coming!!! I FEEL BETTER NOW!

When I confronted the OW..she was just as arogant as I thought she would be. Oh..no..she wasn't hurt. The next day she sent my H a text saying how much he hurt her. The OW would do anything to make me feel like I was an idiot..less of a woman than she..yada..yada. I will say that I break out in hives just at driving by her street or place of employment...for me..being in her presence might trigger things I am trying to leave behind. At first..I felt bad for her...ha...now..not a chance..after hearing her arrogant manner. Good question that you end with...what good would it do you? something to ponder..