So... in parent group therapy the concept of multi generational trauma came up.  A good example is that my grandfather's stepdad was an alcholic and that traumatized him into being weird about alcohol (basically, somewhere between completely intolerant and reluctant to even being around it) which made my mom weird about alcohol (yay, let's drink every night!) to me being weird about it (drinking is evil) to my kids being weird about it (let's smoke pot and get high for fun because alcohol is evil).

I'm wondering if infidelity can follow a similar pattern of broken-ness.

Both of my sons have been cheated on by their girlfriends.  Now, I'm not going to claim to be an all-knowing mama who is informed about every detail of my sons' lives, but I can say with relative assurance that they have been faithful to their partners.  In fact, that's why the infidelity has hit them so hard - the fact that they have been so devoted without it being reciprocated.  My oldest son stayed with his GF after the first time she cheated, but the second time, he bailed on her.  I knew nothing of what was going on at the time, so I was bewildered and sad that they were struggling.

My second son just came to me today with his tale of woes regarding his unfaithful GF.  I worry so much for him since he's worked so hard to get his life cleaned up, get not just one, but two jobs, etc. to prove himself to his family and his GF.  He seemed pretty mellow, but also was leaning toward giving this girl another chance.  I encouraged him (as I do all people after discovering infidelity) to wait at least a month before making any permanent decisions.  It's fine for him to cut contact with her for awhile or it's fine for him to still be friendly with her for awhile, but I really wanted him to not pick "stay or go" until he'd had some time to process. 

My fear is that my kids who saw my husband's infidelity will see that I stayed and either think that's just what you HAVE to do or else think that they absolutely can NOT do that because it's dumb/weak/whatever.  I want them to judge each situation separately and realize that, yes, relationships can heal after infidelity (our marriage did!) but that not every relationship can - or should - be saved.

For whatever it's worth, my son walked away from our conversation in decent spirits and feeling broken hearted but functional.  Sometimes, especially in the early days of healing, that's about as good as it's going to get.  He seemed to be able to see that his GF was not a "bad person" but just made a series of selfish decisions.  This is key, I think, in achieving forgiveness - whether he stays with her or not - and forgiveness is important for HIM.

Do any of you all worry about your offspring struggling with appropriately dealing with these types of issues?  Do you feel your own experiences will make you a good mentor, or do you think you'll be too close to the situation emotionally do be compassionate and objective?