Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
ok so I got one of the books I ordered in the mail today,,"His Needs, Her Needs",, looking forward to starting it with H.
And if you have any questions, do post.
Cole and Gabby, and anyone else who has already read the book: Maybe I need to be patient and finish reading first and I will get my answer, butttt lol, concerning the love bank and all the deposits tow made into h's account,,,what happens to that balance when nothing bad has happened with tow to cause withdrawals? I mean like ya know, she hasn't become psycho and stalked him, has had no contact etc. so those deposits just sit there? Can I empty the account? or do I just need to make my balance so incredibly larger as to overshadow her measly chump change? lol oh sheesh I know READ THE BOOK lol
btw when I posed that ? to H, he said what about all the guilt and shame I feel when I think about what I did?
I've often thought in terms of visuals like this to help me out, when analyzing and trying to process huge emotional issues, of this nature.
I hae spoken of the trust factor, and the trust bank. I told my H, that during the time of the EA, he was at 0, like $0.00 or even zero degrees, and that after that, while he was still deceiving me, being a jerk, and did not break off contact wtih OW, but said he did, that he now dropped to -32 degrees, and he also opened up another account on Lieing, so his lie bank was about -50, cuz he never stopped lieing about it, till well after 8 months! Yup, so I think this book is onto something, if it helpls the reader to compartmentalize some thoughts, which used to run around rmpantly, much like a balloon fluttering around as the air is released, and if it now puts some of those thoughts, in drawers , categories, even with a few file folders, lol! Keep us posted, please!
Has anyone read the second book? It came highly recommended at the bookstore. Can't wait to read it.
Read chapter 3 this morning,, all about how women need affection. was good, will probably read ch 4 tonight. It's all about how men need sex :)
Gab read that from her email in the car and I made the following comment. I think what happens to those love bank points in his OW account is as his bond with her dies off, that currency simply becomes worthless. It only holds value in terms of the relationship. Once that relationship is dissolved and his bond to her dies from neglect, so does the value of those love points in the bank. Meanwhile, yours stays strong since your relationship continues. I don't recall if he addressed that specific point in the book, so good question.
On your H's shame and guilt, that doesn't directly relate to the love bank itself. Keep in mind, the love bank is the loving vs. unloving balance that one particular person subconsiously keeps track of for another person. So, for instance, my sense of how loving I feel for my wife is dependent upon her love point balance in her account with me. Likewise, how much she feels love for me is the love balance she is keeping for me, which will be a different balance than what I feel her balance is with me.
But I don't directly keep a love bank balance with myself. Though if you tie this to self-esteem and such, one could make a case, but you generally don't need to show romantic love for yourself. lol. Which is what the love bank is pointing to.
However, his having the A took a huge hit in his account balance in your eyes, Kansas. But long term relationships usually have a good balance and can take a big hit, if the marriage hasn't been a total loss. Which is why so many attempt to rebuild, and a decent percentage accomplish it. Because the marriage, while not perfect, had a deep reserve. Marriages that are teetering on the edge, will generally not make it through the storm of the A.
That is also why I feel God's timing on revealing her A to me was important. She'd been having a full affair with this guy for six weeks. Up to that point, she felt and had told him that if and when I found out, that she would chose me. She couldn't fathom leaving me. And that was revealed when I asked her the day I confronted her who she chose, and she emphatically chose me.
However, the OM was busy building up love bank points at a steep rate compared to me. Gab and I had deep reserves, yes, but I wasn't adding them in very fast at that point, and would often do things in the day to day living with each other that would cause withdrawals on my account with her. So if we had an argument, she thought I was being stupid about something, I lost points. Meanwhile, OM doesn't have to live with her, and they are in a state of infatuation where the other can do no wrong. He was doing the one things I didn't do that she considered most important to feel loved, spending time with her, specifically where I refused to do so. So he would rarely get any points deducted, and was raking them in at a very fast pace.
Now, if I hadn't found out when I did, and it the A had gone on for six months, a year, or longer before I found out, his balance may have been so close to mine or even surpassing it that she wouldn't have felt so sure that she would chose me. She would have been more ambivalent, unable to decide because the love bank points for both of us are high, assuming the infatuation didn't wear off enough to start having him deduce points and slow down his earnings.
I think if you can read it together, that is best. What I've found is she'll be reading along, and something in the book will spark a discussion. Or it will remind me of a question I had about the A. Some of those discussions have been painful for both of us, but necessary if the wound is to be cleaned and healed.
We take a car trip at least once a week, sometimes more, together because our church is about 45 minute ride each way. She usually reads while I drive.
But if you can't find time to read together, certainly you can read apart and as one said, take notes about things you want to discuss when you do get together.
And we've read all ours on a Kindle or my cell phone. They are handy for that sort of thing. And if you want to read the book in public, you don't have to worry about a book cover broadcasting you're reading a book on adultery.
Even as I smile I am trying to work through the undercurrent of sadness.