Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Yesterday as I was hugging my H I told him how much I love him as I do many times a day. He said a little sadly, "too bad it wasn't enough." (to stop the A's) I can take those kinds of comments because they are true.
Today as I was working I was thinking about that and it made me feel very very sad. I cried. You see I loved him before, during and after the fog. I probably felt it a little more during than I did before because my libido was so high and we were having a lot of sex and I was clinging to him because he represented security and stability during a time of craziness. I was telling him then that I loved him often and before the fog I didn't tell him that very often. The result of that is that the words have lost some of their value. He knows it is true but there is little security in those words.
While I was working I was thinking that there is not a single thing we had before the fog that was enough to stop the A's. Love was not enough. Our 29 year history was not enough. The fact that we have always felt we had a good marriage and have always gotten along well was not enough. The fact that neither of us had ever been with anyone else and so shared a very special intimacy was not enough. The fact that we have both always had a strong faith was not enough.
Thinking about this made me feel kind of sick and very very sad. I asked myself, well then, what is enough? All I know is that we are doing what we can to make the necessary changes. We are more focused on each other than we have ever been in our marriage. We spend more time together than we have since before we had kids. We are communicating so much more. It was precious little before. We are very much more intimate than we have ever been since our dating days. I am putting a lot of effort into myself spiritually under the intense care of my priest and some friends as well. We have both made many core changes.
Will it be enough? I have to believe it will be. I cannot imagine putting us through this kind of pain and damage again. My insecurities are very very high right now as I feel that what I thought I knew about myself isn't true. I went so far out of character it is unbelievable. I feel gutted. Like only half of me is left and I have to rebuild. I guess that's not so bad. A building that has been badly damaged and gets restored is better than before. I am counting on that because this restoration means everything....everything.
Today as I was working I was thinking about that and it made me feel very very sad. I cried. You see I loved him before, during and after the fog. I probably felt it a little more during than I did before because my libido was so high and we were having a lot of sex and I was clinging to him because he represented security and stability during a time of craziness. I was telling him then that I loved him often and before the fog I didn't tell him that very often. The result of that is that the words have lost some of their value. He knows it is true but there is little security in those words.
While I was working I was thinking that there is not a single thing we had before the fog that was enough to stop the A's. Love was not enough. Our 29 year history was not enough. The fact that we have always felt we had a good marriage and have always gotten along well was not enough. The fact that neither of us had ever been with anyone else and so shared a very special intimacy was not enough. The fact that we have both always had a strong faith was not enough.
Thinking about this made me feel kind of sick and very very sad. I asked myself, well then, what is enough? All I know is that we are doing what we can to make the necessary changes. We are more focused on each other than we have ever been in our marriage. We spend more time together than we have since before we had kids. We are communicating so much more. It was precious little before. We are very much more intimate than we have ever been since our dating days. I am putting a lot of effort into myself spiritually under the intense care of my priest and some friends as well. We have both made many core changes.
Will it be enough? I have to believe it will be. I cannot imagine putting us through this kind of pain and damage again. My insecurities are very very high right now as I feel that what I thought I knew about myself isn't true. I went so far out of character it is unbelievable. I feel gutted. Like only half of me is left and I have to rebuild. I guess that's not so bad. A building that has been badly damaged and gets restored is better than before. I am counting on that because this restoration means everything....everything.
You are fully invested in restoring this marriage,, you are fully aware of the risks, dangers, and pitfuls out there now, which gives you a sort of advantage now, think of it that way. You know the costs of crossing that line again,, and most importantly you have faith in God, now is time to restore your faith in you:)
As far as love being enough, it depends on what you mean by love. At it's core, love is the commitment and decision to selflessly care for someone else. I think a lot of us think of love as a feeling, but it is a decision and an action. The honeymoon period never lasts, and we get stuck in some mundane pattern with one another because we never learned what to do after the intensity had faded... maybe this is how it's supposed to be, we think to ourselves. This is ok, I can handle this. But at some point for all of us here that decision to selflessly attend to the well-being of our spouse was neglected, and here we are.
Love in the movies is very romantic and exciting, but it's not real; in the real world things are much less clear and easy and fanciful. Those things don't last and aren't enough; even the ordinary is not enough. That selfless devotion to serve another with compassion and care is what is extraordinary and sustains and revives marriages.
Thank you Kansas.
Enca - I have been studying your response. I love what you say about selflessly attending to the well-being of our spouse and serving one another with compassion and care.
Anguished - It touched me that I was able to help. I am always glad when I think I have been able to help someone in any way. This is such a tough journey, on both sides.
But, despite all that, it wasn't enough to get her to stop playing with fire. And while I think what you've said, Enca, about the commitment part being key, and it most certainly is, neither can we discount feelings. They should go hand in hand. You can't base love on feelings, which is what most do in a new relationship, like CSs who think they are in love with the OP because the chemistry is firing off like crazy. But if your love is only based on mental commitment and isn't felt, that is risky as well. And that's where we were. We both knew we loved each other. We'd been committed to each other for 28+ years without wavering or any sign of the marriage itself being in jeopardy, the one crisis time I've described before a possible "close call." Neither of us ever thought this could happen to us, because we loved each other.
But that commitment wasn't enough. All the things she listed, didn't cause her to run from him and stay as far away as possible.
But I think there are some factors that have changed that will make this much less likely to happen in the future. One, as I've described before, during that time period was the first time in her life she'd ever felt sexy and that men paid much attention to her. The experience was a bit heady for her and she found she liked the attention. In essence, she was naive. She should have known better, but she thought she could handle it. I think the turning point is when he sex chatted with her the second time, she decided to see where it lead her if she played along, and she sex chatted back in kind. She rationalized it was a game, and that she could handle it. She found out too late, that she couldn't.
Now, on this side of dday and the progress she's made in healing, she realizes all the pain that decision to see where it would lead to, led to. She is dealing with the guilt and inability to reconcile what she did with who she was, her morals she held to, and how to incorporate these things into who she is becoming so it never happens again.
My sense is if she was naive about this stuff before, she isn't any longer. I imagine the next time a guy wants to give her his cell phone number, or starts getting seriously flirty with her, she'll run, not walk, from that situation. What she should have known back then but ignored, now she knows for sure: it leads to much pain and risking everything you hold dear for moments of pleasure.
If she allows herself to get too close to the edge of that cliff again, she'll deserve whatever happens if she falls over the edge again. Because now she knows better. So I don't think she'll do it again, but is what we are doing enough? There are no guarantees. But despite the contradictory feelings before dday and after on that, I think the reality is she is much less likely to have another A now than she was prior to it all starting.
And probably me too. I'm not wanting to get to be too cocky and think it can't happen to me. I have to take precautions as well.
I am proud of both of you, you both seem to have come a long way and give me hope. My H comes around here now and again but I has asked him to keep his posts in the cheaters anonymous forum. Because I simply am not ready for others to offer sympathy to him (and yes I know he deserves healing also) I just am still very angry.
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14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds.
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Faith without works is dead; love without actions to demonstrate it is likewise dead. We do the actions to show our love as we do good works to show that we have faith; it's hard to know there is faith or love without it being acted upon. Would you believe someone that said they believed in a God that said to love your neighbors if they never did anything to help others? And would you believe your spouse when he/she says they love you but they never demonstrate that love?
On the flip side, simply doing the actions does not mean much without the underlying motivation. Sure, it's nice of you to help others and be kind to your spouse, but if you do it because you feel you have to there is no joy in it and thus no heartfelt reason to make it a noble deed.
You inadvertently set me off on almost a sermon-writing tangent Cole, thanks for the epiphany! :)
Cole, I think it very interesting that you brought up the point about a game and sort of walking the line to see what would happen. My H describes much the same thing. Women have flirted with him over the 20 years we've been together, but they've never taken it anywhere. OW pushed and pushed and H thought he could handle it - thought it was no big deal - thought she'd back down. Like a game of chicken, I suppose.
For what it's worth, Gabrielle (and others who have commented) - I think acknowledging that it COULD happen is a huge step in prevention. Think how many people get themselves into a LOT of trouble because they truly believe that "it would never happen to ME/US." Pregnancy, DUI, financial troubles - I can think of a lot of scenarios where people take risks or are less mindful than they should be because they don't ever think something "like that" (whatever that is) could happen to them. Being aware and being vigilant makes a huge difference.
Anyway, thank you for posting, Gabby - your insight is VERY much appreciated.