Ugh. If you find a way to silence that inner voice, let me know.

The first year after DDAY, I would say something (in a tight, angry voice) whenever he would say or write anything along the lines of "one and only". Even to this day the impulse is there whenever terms like "only" "the one" etc. get thrown around, but I manage to tightly keep it as an "inside my head" voice.

I don't even remember the last time my husband bought me a card. He makes his own and keeps them pretty with very little words - I think he knows that all the sappy lovey dovey words only stir up my ire, not my desire. I wish I could shake it, but I haven't learned how. Honesty is more important to me and I would rather read, "I am glad we are together right now" than "I have always loved you". (Because in the second example, my inner voice finished the second sentence with, "...but not enough to stay faithful."

My inner voice is a real b****. Someone should shut her up.

*sigh"

Sometimes i literally have to bite the inside of my lower lip to keep my mouth closed before my inner voice wriggles it's way out..

I just tell him... There is no more calling me his "dirty girl" in play... Since I read a text message not to me. He said that to me over the phone and I wanted to throw up.. I texted him and explained, never say that to me again... It's hard for him, sometimes he slips.. But quickly corrects himself.

I guess what I am saying, tell him. Say, you can say you love me, I know that's true... But I don't feel comfortable when you tell me that... Right now.

Don't be miserable, this is not your fault!

I agree 100% with Jaymee.

If that saying brings you uncomfortable thoughts, tell him. On the other hand, if you stay and rebuild you have to let that stuff in your head go, or it will come out in other, subtle ways. If you stay, it should be because you WANT to stay. If you can't get past those head remarks, step back and reevaluate why you stayed. You may think your head thoughts are just that, but people close to us can read that little twitch of body language.

Rebuilding is a process, with a lot of observing. Always be honest, after all, you ask him to be completely transparent and honest, right?

You should absolutely tell him. Even if the words you say sound bitchy. Give him the chance to help you say it in an appropriate way by helping you through your feelings. I'm the one that cheated in my marriage almost 4 years ago now and we've got a much stronger marriage now after several years of rebuilding. But it took brutal honesty. Plus, as the cheater, I partly wanted some "punishment" for what I did because I felt so guilty. I don't know about your husband, but if you both aren't honest about your feelings, then rebuilding stops.

Thanks so much everyone. Yes.. I agree, i need to tell him. And yes, indeed.. I do expect honesty from him...
Sooo i would be a bit of a hypocrit if i swept this under the rug. He and I know that in the process of rebuilding and transparency, there will be times that we might not like everything we hear... And this might be one of those times.
And honestly? he has met most everything i've expressed with a deeper level of compassion and empathy. I think i have just had reservations because i want to make sure i convey my messge without the perseption of being nit picky or critical that what ever he does is "just never enough." You know.. Trying to be sensitive to his efforts in his desire to do the right thing.

I believe that if he is doing or saying something that triggers you, you should tell him. I'm guessing the last thing he wants to do with something that's is supposed to be a sweet gesture, is hurt you. Even if that hurt was unintentional.

We are 5 years post dday and to this day my husband still writes messages of gratitude for me and our second chance.

Allow him the opportunity to make card giving a positive thing between you.