I forgot to mention that I am still holding on to SOOO much hatred for the OW. She is genuinely the most evil woman I have ever encountered. She is only mad that she was unable to get my husband to leave me. She has zero remorse for what she did. I just wish she could feel the pain that she caused. It infuriates me to think of how she spoke about me. She completely manipulated and turned my own husband on me. I don't know how to let that go.

Did you have a DNC? I remember when my wife and I went through losing a baby that way. Not only was there a lot of depression, but her hormones got totally out of wack. It took an anti-depressant to help.

Why are you triggering more?

When you are depressed, you see, think about, and remember depressing things more than good things. It steam rolls.

Depressed moods totally are associated with the affair, because suffering that kind of betrayal is totally depressing.

Lastly, its totally unfair to loose a baby like that. There is nothing you can do to control it and you have no power over it. Kind of like how its totally unfair to be betrayed by one you love, and it was a similar place where he really have little power over others choices.

You do have power over that hate, though. Please find a way to let it go. Its just eating your insides out over and over. She is not worthy of your hate. She is only worthy of indifference. She is a piece of shit with no integrity. Let go of her!

With all that said, I just wanted you to know I feel very sorry for your loss!

Peace

we really have little power over -- not he really have little power.


sorry for the typo -- my eyes are not as good as they once were, and reading in this darn little box is hard for me.

So sorry for your loss. My wife and I lost a baby like that back in the 80s as well. And it is depressing. How could it not be? And such depression, like going said, will tend to focus you on other negative thoughts, the affair being the obvious one since it is recent and huge.

On the OW, like going said, she is not worth the energy. The man who reeled my wife into her first affair was like your OW. I was angry that someone would do something that could destroy people's lives and marriages and families over his own selfish desire for pleasure. While my W is not faultless (I always say it is 100% both parties' faults), he was the one that triggered her addictive responses that lead her deeper and deeper into an irrational desire for a man she knew didn't care a wit about her, but only wanted his fun. Once he had her hooked, he slowly reeled her in until he got what he wanted. Then left town, causing her to look elsewhere to get what he provided. And unfortunately, she found people willing to provide it.

So I look at him with the most anger because of his total disregard for the destruction his selfish lifestyle leaves in its wake. Doesn't hurt anyone. Yeah, right. Try telling that to me and Gabi.

But in the end, I would never see him (if not, that is a problem). I don't care what happens to his life. I sincerely hope he comes to his senses and realizes the destruction in his own life caused by this, as well as the lives he is destroying. He didn't care one wit that my W was married. He just wanted his BJ. But I hope he changes, if for no other reason, that others will not be hurt by him like we have been.

Bottom line, that is out of our hands, as it should be. My focus is on my wife, my marriage, our healing, and our future. Keeping him in the picture would only be a distraction on something that even if he got what should be coming to him, would not change my situation now, nor would it heal my marriage. And the best way to bring justice to him, and you to the OW, is to not just salvage your marriage, but show it is thriving.

I said that to Gabi last night. I said, you know, our marriage isn't just surviving, it is thriving. And that, above anything else, brings justice to what he tried to do to us. To me. He may have gotten one measly BJ from the three months of fishing for her, but in the end, I won. Our marriage won. He can't claim to have that kind of vibrant relationship. He is the loser in all this. He got the boobie prize. lol.

Sad, I am Cole's W. I am so sorry for what you are suffering. I remember the loss and pain and even anger about the loss of the baby. I found some therapeutic things that helped me to heal but I did not have an additional huge pain to hang all that sadness on. I am glad your rebuilding has been going well. I am sure your H is beside himself wishing there was some way he could make all this easier on you but he doesn't know how. It sounds like professional help may be in order. Some things are just too painful for us to successfully deal with on our own.

I really like the way going said it. Indifference is a really good goal to strive for concerning the OW. It is like you are banishing her from your emotional center. Blocking her. Like on FB. If you block someone they can't have access to anything about you and visa versa.

I have had to do the same thing, but from the other side and for different reasons but the same concept. Blocking, indifference, emotional deadening to that person. It takes a while but with effort it gets better. Do this. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and when thoughts of the OW or emotion about her enter your mind, snap it and say NO! (in your head only if you are in public, Lol) Banish the thoughts. Banish her. Then think on something else. You can try that for other thoughts that need banishing as well if it helps. My priest is the one who got me to do the rubber band thing. He calls it "guarding my thoughts." I have been wearing a rubber band now for well over a year. I still sometimes have thoughts and feelings to banish, plus it represents something to me now. It represents strength, stability, self control, and safety that I can say no to myself and mean it. They may bury me one day with a rubber band around my wrist, Lol.

I hope you get the help you need to make it through this and keep moving forward, getting better and better. (((Hugs)))