I just realized i wrote "i am open to suggestions" twice... I guess one could say... I think I really need the help with this one. : /

*big hugs*

Feel what you feel. It's ok. I know it gets "old" to have those moments of insecurity or fear or sadness and loss or ... whatever. The best you can do is to determine "is this now... or is this THEN". Are you upset because of things that are going on now, or is it old wounds you're picking at?

If it's NOW - try to open a discussion to brainstorm ideas to fix the now. For us, this was especially rough because the triggers seemed like things we could NOT ever fix. An example: Every time he'd go to work, I'd be sent into a tailspin. But it's not like he could just QUIT his job, right?

At first, we told his bosses about the affair and they assured me they would go out of their way to make sure he didn't work with the OW - but they couldn't guarantee it. It helped. Sort of. But it was like a bandaid on a heart attack. Eventually, he moved from graveyard shift to day shift - that helped a LOT - but ultimately, until we moved three hours away to an office where there was NO chance of him ever working with the OW and where there was really no chance of running into the OW out and about our small town, I just couldn't feel ok.

I won't lie. This was the hardest decision we ever made together. We had to walk away from out house - the childhood home of our children! - because we owed more than we could sell it for. I had to walk away from the professional volunteer position I had built up for myself for nearly ten years. He has to (still) constantly face the question from professionals in his job asking, "So why did you come here?" It's been a rough road, but it has been the only thing that made a significant difference and left me feeling like we really were moving forward, rather than just grinding our wheels in the same ditch.

I am not suggesting you need to move or anything that drastic, but what I am saying is that if there is something on which you're "stuck" you need to try to identify what it is so you can do your best to eliminate it. I really do wonder if him traveling for work isn't leaving that little bruised spot that keeps being poked. Maybe you two can brainstorm a solution to this? Maybe it would mean going with him when he travels overnight? Or scheduling special time together before or after trips. And as for his commute, maybe moving closer to his job so he wouldn't have to commute?

I don't know what the solutions are - only you two can toss around ideas until you land on one you think you might both be able to live with, but don't do what I did and spend YEARS of your life bumping into the same triggers and thinking, "This is hopeless. It's never going to get better." It can. You just have to be willing to go into brainstorm mode where you don't ignore ideas out of hand because they seem too impossible. What my husband and I did was impossible, but I have never been happier in my marriage or in my life, in spite of all we lost. We have gained so much more.

On a smaller, more immediate scale? Eat right. Sleep well. Baby yourself. Anniversaries are the WORST for me. From late October until mid January there are a series of significant affair related anniversaries that fall like a series of gut punches. This year? Meh. Other than turning 40 (even that was OK) I think we did alright - for the first time in 3 years. It's not that those anniversaries weren't there. It's not that the sore spot wasn't underneath the skin - but just that it WAS deep under the skin. It wasn't like trying to eat tough steak on a broken tooth, it was more of a twinge or an ache when I turned just wrong that was immediately made better when I stopped turning just wrong.

Reach out for your support network. Be it here, your family, your friends. You don't have to explain to them what's going on internally if you don't want. Just say, "I'm feeling really sensitive lately and need some love." As my daughter will say, "I need cuddles!" (She's 13 and still will say that!) It's OK. Ask for what you need from people you know you can rely on to give it. You deserve it. Ask your husband for what you need from him. He may not be able to hug you and tell you it's OK in person, but you can say, "I need some texted hugs throughout the day. It would make my heart smile." (OK those are my words - but you get the gist.)

Set aside a lot of time together with your husband where you can bond. Quiet dinners for just the two of you, or cuddle time before bed, or - whatever you can squeeze in. Heck, schedule sex, even, if you're both so busy you have to schedule it. May not seem romantic, but you need that time and space to be close to him and be reminded that he is with YOU - he chose YOU - and he continues to choose you every. single. day. Choose him. Choose to share your love and fears and regrets and dreams. Be close. Be a team. Imagine this as a beast you are slaying - TOGETHER.

And if all else fails, hole up somewhere and be sad and weepy and let it all out in one messy glorious pity party for a day/afternoon. Set aside time/safe space to just be miserable and let it all out. I don't really do this anymore, but I remember times where I'd lock myself in my room, watch sad movies, and eat in bed. After 2-3 movies, I'd be bored with it and want to move on to something else. ;) Namely, going out and having an adventure with my husband.

On we go...

Allora gave some good advice. Dday anniversary is rough for most to begin with. Combine it with the other triggers you have doubles down on it.

What plans does he have to comfort you while he's at the conferences? LIke checking in every night, especially during the times he's most likely to be at a bar. Is he willing to set up his phone so you can track him via GPS? None of that eliminates the possibility he'll cheat if he decides to, but may help.

You might find my article on triggers of help:

Pulling the Trigger on Triggers
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/06/pull-trigger-on-triggers.html

-Allora,, thank for your response and sharing more of your story.
You have really given me some things on which to focus and put into practice!
Se have done a little brainstorming to ease some of the triggers where possible. One of the things my H and i have done to lessen a bit of the pain associated with this particular trigger, is I now attend and work with him at THE conference. He has also made available to me, for subsequent trade shows, the list of exhibitors, and if the company she represents will be in attendance he will simply will not go.

Oh but yes... It gets old" when the onslaught of emotions resurface. I have been doing so well... And bam... Those nasty triggers..
-Thank you Cole for including the link to your article regarding such. I found it to be very helpful. And reassuring.

My H does try to comfort me as best as he can while there...he is diligent about keeping in touch throughout the day and evening/night. Sharing plans, etc. And since the A he has made the commitment to stay out of the hotel bar... So that is a start. (Of course I have no way of knowing if he is keeping his word... That is where my faith needs to kick in and listen for God to say... "Don't worry, I got this.")
Not a trip will go by, where I do not thank him for what he is doing to help me through the rough patch. He IS trying...

It IS a tough one though.. I am even surprised at just how much this particular trigger affects me. I try so very hard to keep it in check... Try to recognize what components instill the greatest fear, pain, etc. Patience and hope that, as stated in your article, this big one deadens over time.