Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
So I am coming up on the 1 year mark of D day. I am staying and trying to rebuilt a stronger marriage with my husband. Everyday when I wake up, I look at the date and think can I make it? My sitution is a little differant from a lot of yours and I am not trying to compare whos is worst. But, My H's affair resulted in a baby being concieved. The child has since be born. We are awaiting a DNA test. Ok, so I feel a little conflicted by this. My H just papers back from the state saying it can take up to 6 months to do the DNA testing, and I am happy about that. The thing is I do want to deal with a crying baby at all. I would much rather prefer for that kid to be older before it comes into my home. In the mean time I know that my H will be missing out on alot of stuff if the kid is in fact his. He will miss the cooing and the first words and the baby will start to think of its moms husband is as his dad, and all I can do is laugh inside because I really don't care, but then again I do care that My H will miss all of that. I have tryed to ask him if it bothers him and he claims that it doesn't but I know the truth just by the way he never wants to talk about it. A part of me is saying that it serves him right to miss out on all of that, cause of the pain that it causes me, I feel like a horrible person. I don't want to be spiteful, but what else am I to do. I am not liking who I have become through all of this, I just want my life back but it is dead and I know it will never be the same again. Does anyone here have any advice for me? I hate that it makes me happy to know that he will never get this time back with his one and only blood son.
I haven't had to deal with this but I can guess the conflicting emotions.
It is important you work on healing yourself,get the help you need to deal with this. I don't think there is anything wrong with you! I mean really,who is going to be excited about this? It's not like you planned on having this baby. Your H stepped outside the marriage,did the deed and (possibly) created a baby. It's not fair,it sucks,you did not want this,and now your expected to help in the care! It's all true,it all sucks!
Having said that,at some point,you have to seperate the ugly facts from
the reality! Here is a child, an innocent child. Who did not ask to be born out of wedlock. But was brought into this bad situation and will feel the consequences of the affair the rest of his/her life! Is that fair for this child? They will realize it was not love that brought him/her here and carry that hurt forever! As hard as this will be. As responsible adults it would be in the childs best interest,to take the high road,be the hero and make room in your life for him/her.
I know,I know,its easy for me to say. But I don't think it would do any good to destroy a childs life either. By the absence of love from his Father or you. As a step mother you can make a positive difference in his/her life. And you may even be surprised by the love you find in this child! And one day they will come back to you and say....Thank You for Loving Me!
Let's hope you are strong enough to make that happen!
Experiencing the devastation of an affair IS life changing. Our lives will never be the same. We all feel that,you also have this baby. If you stay with your H, please realize this child is not the tool you want to use,to get back at your H. And yes,your life will never be the same!
She made any kind of contact impossible, she'd call the cops and cause us all kinds of terrible problems with the law. He hasn't had any contact with the child, and I'm very sorry if others think I'm wrong but I've been glad for that and sorry for that at the same time. I'm not sure if I could've stayed if the child was a part of his life even though it's not the childs fault and I believe that a father should do everything he can to be with his children but the selfish part of me has always been glad.
I read what special3 said and I totally agree but at the same time, for my own good I had to allow myself to feel the things I felt. I never made any choices or demands of my husband when it came to the child, and I hate it that the child will have to live with this, but there's no fighting her.
He has rights given by the court but like I said, she stalked us, called the police on us every week saying we were harrassing her and stealing from her and of course nothing was ever real and we were able to prove it in court but I have children of my own and it was affecting them terribly. So I decided if I had to choose between that child's feelings and my own childrens feelings, I choose my own.
If things would've been different and the child came for visits I think I would've been able to find love for it. It's way different when you come face to face with the child. I ran into them in the grocery store when it was a few months old. I saw them and almost ran at first thinking it would tear my heart apart again, my my heart suprized me! The first thing I thought was,"She's pretty", not the things I thought I would think. It did not make me feel the way I thought it would until I let my anger and pain take me but I had to stop that from taking me over.
I hated who I had become, the things I wanted and the things that were happening to me but be encouraged because you will get through this, it will get better no matter if the child is in your life or not.
Like special3 said, that child if it's in your life will probably thank you for your love someday and you'll be glad you gave it.
Since then I've grown so much and I don't miss the old me, I love the person I am now and what happened to me, to us, was a part of changing me to what I am now. At this point you're in great pain and can't possibly see how this can work for you but it will, you'll see, and you'll be a better person, much stronger and you're love will flow from you so that anyone who comes into contact with you will feel it to, if you work at not hating but healing. That takes time, you have to give yourself a break, you have to be able to forgive yourself for feeling the things you wish you didn't. Some day those things will change. I'm here for you if there's anything I can do to help you through this!
If that is the case, perhaps your husband should stay out of it all together, except for his financial responsibility.
I have no idea if that is a stupid thought...what is best for the child should be the foremost concern.
Well, the OW claims to have gotten a D back in 01, but they have lived together since 99. She also claims that they are trying to work things out. I however have the feeling this poor man doesn't know that kid he is caring for may not even be his. The type of man my H is, if the test show it is his son he will want to be there for the kid, if not have custody. I have no clue what the ow is telling people, but we are going through the state and named the OW Husband\BF as a possible father, so if he doesn't know about the A he will soon when he is served to submitt DNA.