RUN... don't walk. And not away from your husband... from that counselor!!!

A truly good counselor will NOT tell you what to do, but will guide you and support you through your decisions. My counselor has NEVER told me to go or stay... he says only I know what and how much I can tolerate, and the decision is mine alone...

Don't feel ashamed to try several counselors before you find the right fit!!!!!

I am shocked..that is very unusal from a therapist. They could actually find themselves in trouble for this.
unless you H is continuing to cheat they should not say this. Surprised...

rempress: thanks for the insight, I think I will look for another counselor...

Mommyto jack: well that is where my situation is unique I guess, that would cause a counselor to say walk away- because my husband is still having his affair... but we both decided that we were not ready to close the door on the possibility of a reconcilation of our marriage and we are both not ready to rush to a hasty decision to file for divorce either... so I guess that makes us seperated, sorta... meaning he comes to see me often and calls me often and meets me for my lunch break at work... so it is confusing, I can see how the counselor can say I am being manipulated... but I also would like for once, for someone other than the people from this group, to support my decision that I am not ready to walk away because I still feel hope.. I guess I am an optimist... but thanks for the responses... makes me feel better

Counselors are not supposed to tell you things like that! They council and guide you towards decisions. Help you open your eyes to the bigger picture. Offer ideas or exercises to improve the issue. But telling somebody to leave and leave now is more controlling and less counseling.

My H was still having the A in the beginning, and he told our MC before I knew about it.... The counselor STILL never told me to leave. He just continued to help and support us both seperately and individually... That is what a good counselor is supposed to do...

Wait a minute .... we were not there and are jumping to a lot of conclusions about this counselor. Also, Rempress, there are big differences in the focus of an MC and and IC.

thus, I don't agree that you should fire your IC yet. I don’t agree that you should run from him or her.

Please allow me to explain.

You are in this group with the goal of rebuilding your marriage. This group’s focus is how to help your marriage.

When you walk into an IC’s office, their focus is your mental and physical health first and foremost. This is what drives their efforts with you. Thus, unless you specifically said, I am here to find out how to rebuild my marriage, regardless of whether it damages me or makes me sick, then this IC could just be doing his or her job.

Sure, he or she could have used more tact and eased you into what he was saying. So while he was not a D. Phil, could he have been to straight forward. Yes. That or perhaps he is seeing how much of a toll this is taking on you and felt he needed to act quickly. Who knows?

I would suggest you talk with him about her need to maintain hope and to go slow. I would not suggest you just don’t go back.

The fact is that you are in a crazy-making situation that will take a toll on you psychological health, physical health, productivity, ability to be a good, focused Mom, daughter, siblings, and will eventually color all your future relationships. Over time, if it has not already done so, this situations is going to cause you harm.

My limbo situation put me in the ER with panic attacks which I thought were something physical and has elevated my high blood pressure. Prolonged stressful situations will affect you physically, not to mention mentally.

Your H’s going back and forth will take a toll on you, no ifs ands or butts. The IC knows and sees this and is looking out primarily for you. Whether or not you stay married is a secondary concern for him or her.

At some point in time you are going to have to take a hard look at the situation and see where your lines in the sand are. This does not mean there is no hope. There is always hope, even if you have to draw the divorce line. However, if you have no lines and boundaries drawn the situation will continue to push you farther and farther and it will take a toll on you.

The most truly sad thing is that we love our spouses so much and take our vows so seriously that we try to be patient, understanding, and nice and love them back to the marriage. We keep hoping they will see the mess they are making, see the love we have for them, and then they will come back to the marriage we had.

The problem is they are in a crazy-making situation too, and your H’s is compounded by post-traumatic psych issues and the manipulations and actions of another woman. He is not making good, rational, mature love-based decisions or he would not be cheating on you! Please read that last line again.
He is in a fog and acting more like an out-of-control adolescent than a mature man.
Thus, you can only be so patient until certain lines are crossed, and then self-preservation needs to kick in or all your boundaries will be over-run and you will pay a huge price.

You are so newly in this situation, but some people are in these situations for 5 years or more. Read back and find some old threads by Pork and see the agony he has been in year after year. Can you imagine being right where you are now with him 5 years from now? Can you imagine 2 years from now? Time will fly by, I promise.

Here is the other ironic twist of crazy crap! The nicer, the more forgiving, the more loving, and the more patient we are while they are in the thick of fog the less attractive we are and the less likely we are to bring them back. Yup, a firm line in the sand and taking care of ourselves actually does more to win them back than an understanding shoulder to cry on and physical intimacy. No one wants to be married to a doormat, and the more we flex for them, accommodate them, etc, the more unconsciously they see us as doormats.

It is so damn counter-intuitive but these things really follow the same darn patterns over and over.
I suggest you actually discuss your concerns with the IC before finding another.
I also suggest you pick up Love Must be Tough by Dobson, and read Glass’s Not Just Friends sections on what you need to do to heal.

I also suggest you go to survivinginfidelity.com just to read, and read in the Just Found Out section some of the threads with the targets on them, particularly the one about common mistakes we make.

Try to figure out how much of your health and sanity you are willing to put on the line for him, and where your lines in the sand are sooner, versus later.

You can then chose to tell him where your lines are or not, but you need them as we all do!

In your other thread you said

"The hardest part for me is how emotional I am-- crying over everything, days where I don't want to get out of bed and days where I question my self worth. This affair has shaken me to my core, shattered my heart and turned my life upside down."

These are symptoms that could easily turn into a major depression. This is what your IC saw and this is his or her primary concern, not your marriage.

This is why people often advise IC and MC. Your IC is there for your health, whereas the MC is there to focus on saving your marriage.

gointtobeok I think you said it well. I have sat on this thread because I couldn't put my thoughts into words

The C is looking out for you---I know you H has prob. but what were you doing when he was gone? What about what you as a military wife endured? Doesn't that count for anything in your husbands eyes? Doesn't he value that? Doesn't sound like it to me.
The C may have been harsh, but goingtobeok is right-you are going to have to start putting down some boundries-What are you willing or not willing to tolerarte? If this situation is ok then why are you so devastated? Because-IT IS NOT OK FOR YOUR H TO TREAT YOU LIKE THIS and H will continue only if YOU ALLOW IT.....I am not saying divorce, i am saying YOU need to take care of YOU!!!

I appreciate all of the perspectives, because it helps me to look at the bigger picture. And of course, who wants to hear things that make them uncomfortable, or maybe not what I want to hear right now- despite all being true (ie: my counselor telling me that I need to walk). I do think he means focus on myself and less on my husband and his doings, but I guess the overwhelming feeling I got was his pushing me towards a permanent walk away.

I do think my focus should be myself, doing things for myself and this should be my primary focus right now. I am finding a lot of comfort in reading your stories and reading the books you suggested as well. As well as finding a support system that allows me to be myself, without having to defend myself or be judged in the process-- does that make sense? I think this is a good start. I haven't gave up all home on my counselor yet, I do think a phone call to tell him what I am seeking and if he can fulfill that role is needed.

Thanks again for the help guys.

Becca

Yes.... Tell your C what you need. If he is straightforward he will let you know whether he can care for you or not.