I know EXACTLY how you feel! There is something missing, always something missing.

Several months before d-day I came out of a bout of depression. I was feeling like my true self for the first time in a long time. I was just as you said, jumping out of bed, doing everything with enthusiasm...and doing it well. I was happy with myself, my life and my world.

I know the exact day and time the joy left me.

Even at our daughter's wedding, in February, I felt like I was lying.

I am not the mother I once was. I just learned my 14 y/o daughter is experimenting with pot, drinking and sex. Where the hell have I been? I know the answer, in my own world of sadness and pain.

You're not alone, I'm not alone, but it sure sucks BIG TIME!!!

I know this is hard to believe, but I've seen some people develop stronger marriages after the affair.

Some actually say it helped their marriage. Sometimes people don't realize there is something wrong until an affair happens. Unfortunately, the affairs happened. Afterwards people realize what went wrong in their marriage and they work on their problems and they end up with a stronger, better marriage than they did before.

I hope that can happen for you, and all of us.

you are normal sweetie. I remember feeling like so much was wrong with me and feeling like I'll never be good enough, but I'm a good woman and I'm faithful. Yes, I had issues I could be a real bitch if I wanted to be. Its barely now after two yrs going through hell tht my H is actually treating me good. Its like he snapped recently and realized that I've been faithful and that I'm still here. He'll even ask me how could i have stayed after all of that pain? The Infidelity didn't help, but did open our eyes to what we almost lost. I wish it wouldn't have taken that, but someone made a mistake and I want to move on just like he does. I hope things work out for you, but what you are feeling is normal.

Yes, feeling broken is normal. The way you describe yourself could have been written by me. One thing I'm working on is to not live out of that one bucket every single minute of the day. I've told my husband the same thing...he gets so depressed and mad at himself. But we've got to do normal things and not always be so focused on the bad.

It could be that you're clinically depressed. Perhaps a talk with your doctor?

I do understand. I don't know how long its takes before you get to the other side of all this or if you do. I have see some good posts.Thank goodness that give me hope. D-day was 9 months ago for me and its still a struggle for me. I still struggle some days to even look at him. Other days we do great. I always have that sad feeling and not one day goes by that I don't think about it. My best friend is gone forever. I can never look at him with innocent eyes again. I am sick of all of this and just want it to stop. As many of you do. Its just life as I know it right now.

I am new to this site. If I understand what d-day is, then mine was September 30, 2008 at 11:30PM.

Since then I have felt what you have felt. The reason I believe we feel this empty feeling inside of us is because the person we truly felt the closest to, let us believe that we were happy. When in fact it was all deception. Whether for a week or years, the time spent after the A seems worthless at times and seems like it was a big lie.

I would say I am better now. Not completely, but getting there. your time will come too. I love my wife and adore her...thats what makes it so hard. I worshiped her and her body before the news. Right after D-day it felt tainted, us and her.

But there is hope! There is strength! My wife has shown me her regret for her actions every day since the news came out. And I still love her dearly! I wish it never happened but it did.

Although you cant seem to find that cheery person you once were, she is still there. Time heals all wounds. And if your partner shows signs of regret as mine has, you can find that appreciation and trust again.

This event I would say has definately brought us closer together. It can for you two as well. Just think... no more secrets is the first step to the ultimate bond between two people.

Peace be with you. We are all here to help you through.

I understand....and I am going through the same thing.... and it's been 21 months sice d-day for me.... and my husband is being wonderful in every way and I just can't shake this feeling....of sadness and hoplessness and I can't stop thinking about the affair.....
the positive is that I can actually stop thinking about the affair for a few minutes or hours..here and there...that was impossible a year ago..it consumed me... so I guess that's progress....

Morgan,
Wow. It's like you are living inside of my head. You've summed up all that I've been struggling with. I keep hanging on to the hope that I will be happy again some day, but there is this nagging voice in my head that keeps pulling me back to the lies and the anger. I want to forget all that has happened, but I cannot stop thinking about it. I question all of his intentions. I question all of the times when we share a nice moment and all of the times in the past when I felt my happiest (our wedding day, the birth of my two kids, holidays, etc.) Everything in my past, present, AND future feels cheapened by this. Everyone keeps saying "Time heals all wounds". I'm beginning to really hate that expression, but hoping maybe there is some truth in it. Hang in there! You are not alone.

Reading all your responses is really helping me. I guess I keep hoping for some solution or book or mantra or something that will make it better -- but it sounds like everyone agrees that time is really what its going to take.

I vacillate between thinking "I hate my life now" to other times thinking "Of course I am choosing misery if I hate my life"

I think deep down I feel weak for staying with him. I have always been a very strong willed person, take no bs from anyone, and it has really been a stretch for me to stick with this.

Thanks to all of you that wrote back. It helps so much to hear other's people experiences and for me not to feel just so all alone.

As far as being clinically depressed, I have a therapist and David has one and we have a couples ones - and none of them feel like I am bad enough off to have to take meds. (I don't really want to). I am functioning, going to work, being wth my kids -- it's just weird to be "faking it" in life. Not my style before this.

I don't consider anyone weak for staying in a marriage after infidelity. Even though infidelity is just about the most devestaing thing that can happen in a marriage, I truly believe that a couple can make it through the storm. After all, we have so much invested in our marriages, it's hard to just throw it all away. We all have faults, some bigger than others, but together we can work towards a better future. Infidelity changes us all, some things will never be the same, other things will be better. I'm not the person I once was either and may never get that person back, but I am working towards making changes in myself to glorify God in all that I do. After all, it was through his Grace that I survived it all.

I believe that the people who stay and try to make it work are the STRONGEST people in the world. I have always been a strong girl but faced with this has shown me my just how strong I am.

I felt empty, broken, cold, anrgy, miserable, and useless from the moment of d-day until just the other day. I could hear my heart beat with the pain - literaly. I don't feel that way right now. I didn't feel that way yesterday. I have hope for tomorrow. I can't tell you exactly why, there is no mantra like you said. I had some time, a lot of thought, a lot of reflection, and the most important ingredient, a remorseful spouse ready to do whatever is needed. Will I still feel good the day after tomorrow? I don't know. Right now I'm enjoying my good mood and not focusing on how I might feel later. Really too, I think not thinking I'll feel bad tomorrow gives me a better chance of feeling good.

Staying in the marriage is what takes courage, perservrance and strength. It's easy to cut and run. It's much more difficult to give someone a second chance.

Hi My friend..

I so understand all of that. I still feel different than the woman I was. At first...I hated that..and felt robbed by H and OW. Everything...everybody..all that defined who I was..seemed different. I thought I knew who I was..what my life was...what my marriage was...everything until Dday. I want to share with you that yesterday in counseling...and once before..I could sit in that chair..look at the counselor..look at my H and say...."I have changed!" But you know what..I have...I have dug deep and found the strong..wonderful woman I am. The only way to survive this for me was to reflect...find me...talk with myself...be my own friend...and emerge a different woman. For the first time in my 47 years..I feel like an adult woman. Before that...I was an insecure, over reactive child in many ways. I did not know it..until I can take the time to reflect on that. I have just recently started to enjoy the things I like ..and laugh a lot..and take back what was robbed from me...and find even more waiting. Thank Goodness I went through this! I could not believe I was uttering those words. The deepest pain and loss of self that I have gone through since Dday..only made me stronger and more determined to never ever let that good person that is me...down again. I like me...a lot better than I did 4 months ago. Prayer..counseling..self reflection...counseling..and initially anti depressants to get me through those terribly excrutiating moments...have helped greatly. And another huge component...my dear friends here....they have been such a source of strength. So..Morgan..you are not the woman you once were..true..you are even better! You have more to give..more to receive...so open yourself up to the abundant happiness that is within you! xoxoxo

morgantx: I feel exactly the same as you. I could have written those words. Each day I wake up to the thoughts which will never leave me. They continue thru out the day always spoiling some point of my day. This black spot my H as placed on our marriage will overshadow all events in the future. The reminder will always be there.

We can only take each day as it comes, both good & bad, and make the best of it as we can. I too would prefer to never get up but I know that I have to for our kids. It keeps me going. But I too wonder when/if I will ever feel special/safe & loved like I did prior to his A. I feel like I am just existing but not really living because this life after the A seems like a bad dream. Although he is making every effort to prove to me that he loves me & wants his family & kids, I still feel like i'm playing a role & not in real life.

Hang in there! We must for the kids! xoxoE

wow morgan, i thought i was reading about myself when i read your post. i feel all of those things too. it helps to not be alone, yet it hurts to read about your things. 18 years married here, 5 months after discovering her brief affair. she emailed him last week to tell him off, which after my rage ended i saw as a good thing. just seeing his name in an email sent me into a rage, into fear, into all the emotions i felt after reading their texts and emails in may. worse yet, on saturday morning, i dropped my son off for his tennis lesson and left. i took great pride in watching all his lessons. i guess i felt so much less as a spouse and a dad that i felt a disconnect from being a part of experiencing his joy of progressing at tennis. it hurt me that i had lost interest. i am less productive at work and just don't care. i am in sales and feel like my customers don't care if i don't care. i can't let co-workers or management know why sales are down, so i live a lie with no one knowing what i went through and still go through. i used to get up early and excited, and like you getting up is a chore. our marriage is better it seems for her, for me while that is good, i am sad that it took her screwing another guy for the attention and brief gratification, in order for her to have, now, a better marriage. my kids don't know about it. in a way i wish they did because they would be appauled as to how she could have done that to me, with them knowing how much i do as a family father, tending to the house and their needs, on top of my job. my son would hate her for doing that to me. so i protect them from the secret, yet i wish they knew so that she could experience the full wrath of pain that everyone would experience from her selfish act. i think sometimes that she thinks i over reacted. if her family and our children and her co-workers knew, then she would really know how i have underreacted and have been a really big person to get past the affair enough to have the marriage and fascade for our kids to still take comfort in a loving home. that all seems so twisted, yet, her affair has forever twisted my life into some knots that will never be undone.