Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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playerapr 04/14/2011

When H left for his deployment he was making an effort to make things work. First few weeks he was calling, emailing often. The OW wasnt there yet she made it there a few weeks after he did. He was been wonderful, telling me what I wanted to hear, talking, telling he miss me and that he love me. In the last 2 weeks he has been kind of distant, not replying to my emails even though we chat, but chat has been emotionless, just talking about trivial things. I've been asking him why he don't email me and it's always the same "he is busy", well today he finally admitted that he feels ackward cause she made it there and is not talking to him. It bothers him that she treats him like he is not there. He didnt vocalize it but he won't and can't write to me cause he is thinking about her. It's like they broke up and he is suffering the loss of her frienship and companionship. I felt so hurt and it brought back all this painful emotions. I don't know if I can keep doing this, fighting for a marriage were it seems I'm the only one trying to fix it, fighting for a man that can't stop thinking about the OW and what he lost. Fighting for a man that care more about what he is going through and not the pain his actions are still causing. Fighting for a H that apparently is in love wtih somebody else but stay in the marriage to make things right, he don't want to be the villian in this movie and be the one to walk out on his kids. I'm sure if I tell him I'm leaving and want a divorce he won't stop me, he will probably be relieve that I made the decision for him. I don't know if it's worth it anymore, why go through all the pain and the hurt? He don't seem to care about my pain but his own. He says he is trying but I'm my book it's not enough. I don't know if this marriage can be save or if the damage is to big. I have cry my eyes out struggling with my desire to save my marriage cause I love him or just walking away from it all. I don't have the strenght to walk away, I'm such a coward, so here I am feeling miserable, sad and defeated.

deleted_user 04/14/2011

I don't know what to say. Nothing I can say here will make you feel better, I'm sure. Just know that I am hurting for you right this moment, and I am sending hugs your way. Sounds like the disconnect of him leaving (although he didn't really have a choice sounds like) sent you in a tailspin and ruined your new found safety in the relationship. I hope he returns soon and gets his head out of his ass for your sake and your children. Sounds like you may have a decision to make, to focus on what he's doing, or to focus on yourself, but sounds like you need to make that decision in order to have a purpose for YOU of your own choosing, and to restore your own sanity. Sounds like it's killing you that he seems to have all the power of making that choice. You are allowing him all the power. I know, because I do the same thing, and it's no good. In the meantime,do everything possible to take good care of YOURSELF, and your children. If he's being distant, just stop pursuing, even though it hurts like hell, wait and see what he does. If it's over then at least you will have been good to yourself and will be better for it. And just so you know, I've been pursuing too, and it's absolutely no good for my soul. Stay strong, and you are in my heart. Hugs.

deleted_user 04/14/2011

Player, I think we all feel that way at times. My H tells me he wants to make "it" up to me but there really isn't any way to make "it' up. We can work on our marriage but he can't undo what he did. There is a commercial for depression that seems to sum up how dealing with an affair is. I can't remember what the meds the commercial is for but it's a cartoon of a women carrying her depression around with her. Some days it swallows her up and some days she is fairly normal but everyday it's right there following her around, handing over her head, it's always there. While I don't think I am suffering from depression that commercial still seems to show my life. The A is always in the background even on good days. I don't think my H quite gets that.

I think you are a very strong women. I'm not even sure I could attempt to rebuild with my H away. I really admire your willingness to do that. I'm sure it has to be very hard especially knowing she is there also. The only thing I really can think to tell you is to work on the issues you can without him. Have some fun when you can and maybe not make any decisions until you are both in the same place. You may find that you are fine on your own and decide you don't need him or that you don't need him but you want him anyway.

playerapr 04/14/2011

2bee - I'm trying to be good to myself- started exercising, I have lost some weight, I'm seing a counselor, I'm going out with my kids and having fun. I'm going out with the girls and having some fun this weekend and the next. Even though I try to focus on me my mind ends up focusing on him again. I do pursue, guilty as charge, I email him, I ask for emails, for calls, for words of love. I decided that I want to stop pursuing, I don't want to do it anymore, it's hard cause I want to share my life, emotions and feelings with him but I want him to want me to share that with him, I don't want to volunteer, I want him to want it. Might never happen but then I would know where to stand.
Hurting - I'm trying to work on some issues without him, I don't want to make a decision until he is back but its getting harder to "wait" until he gets back. I'm trying to have fun and not sulk and drown in my own sorrow. Your statement is so right cause right now I don't need him but I want him maybe it will be that I don't need and I also don't want him.
Thanks for the support!!!!! It means a lot!!!

znzsmom 04/15/2011

player, I feel for you so much. Listen, your situation is so much harder because of the deployment. Not only does he see her, but he's away...very away from you. As I'm sure you've learned by now, the CS do not seem to snap out of the fog until absolute no contact is made. Only then can they think clearly and see the situation as it is. It's truly hard to rebuild when he's away for an entire year.

It sounds to me that your brain and your heart are having a battle. Your brain knows what you need to do, take care of yourself and the kids, do things for you, keep busy, etc. Your heart, however, wants what we all want, for your H to show you his remorse and his love for you. You want him to reassure you and comfort you when your sad, but he can't physically and, because of the contact with the OW, he can't emotionally. You may not be able to gage whether this will be fixable until he returns. However, if he slips up when he's over there, you must take a stand.

He doesn't get to do what he wants while he's over there! His indicating to you that it bothered him that the OW wasn't talking to him makes me nervous. It sounds like, if given the chance, he'd resume an EA with her. I don't mean to upset you. I just want you to make it VERY CLEAR to him that he better be on his best behavior. Don't be a doormat just because your a world away from him! Sending you support.

playerapr 04/15/2011

ZNZ - you nailed right in the head. I had made it very clear to him that he needs to be in his best behavior. You are not upsetting me, I am also nervous and anxious cause I also think that if given the chance he will resume EA. Deployment just started who's to say that she won't talk to him for a whole year and in the meanwhile he is becoming more distant. You are so totally right, at least while he was here if I cried he would hug and confort me now he is emotionally disconnected and I'm not getting that emotional reasurrance I need.
I am so exhausted!!!

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