Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Shoot.
I thought I was past that really angry stage. And the kids heard from the next room. I'm so ashamed.
I swear - something comes over me and I'm not myself! I am some crazy lady!
A bad trigger. That day, 3 weeks past Dday when he was still lying to me about the A being physical. He called her on the phone for her to "tell me the truth" and she is SO STUPID/MEAN, that she said the lie to me, then said to him, "That's what you wanted me to say, right?"
I had grabbed the phone and didn't yell at her but told her very calmly never to contact my husband again and if she wanted to then she should stop and consider his three very young children, and she should stop and think if this is who she really wants to be, how would her parents feel about this behavior, and he grabbed the phone and hung it up and said TO ME "She didn't deserve that from YOU, SHE'S a nice person. How dare you say those things to her, you don't even know her."
I felt like I could kill someone.
I thought I had worked out my anger about it. I worked on it ALOT. Lots and lots of therapy, counseling, coaching, journaling, meditating...it's been 317 days - how can I still be angry enough to break a plate and curse at him???
Who I am anymore....
I thought I was past that really angry stage. And the kids heard from the next room. I'm so ashamed.
I swear - something comes over me and I'm not myself! I am some crazy lady!
A bad trigger. That day, 3 weeks past Dday when he was still lying to me about the A being physical. He called her on the phone for her to "tell me the truth" and she is SO STUPID/MEAN, that she said the lie to me, then said to him, "That's what you wanted me to say, right?"
I had grabbed the phone and didn't yell at her but told her very calmly never to contact my husband again and if she wanted to then she should stop and consider his three very young children, and she should stop and think if this is who she really wants to be, how would her parents feel about this behavior, and he grabbed the phone and hung it up and said TO ME "She didn't deserve that from YOU, SHE'S a nice person. How dare you say those things to her, you don't even know her."
I felt like I could kill someone.
I thought I had worked out my anger about it. I worked on it ALOT. Lots and lots of therapy, counseling, coaching, journaling, meditating...it's been 317 days - how can I still be angry enough to break a plate and curse at him???
Who I am anymore....
Those triggers just kind of come at you unexpectedly, don't they? I, too, often struggle with the anger and I am ashamed to admit that I have also shown that ugly side of myself in front of my kids. I went after my H physically on one particularly bad night, swearing and hitting him. He was furious with me for doing that in front of them and I was ashamed that this is what I have become. I apologized to the kids and explained that what I did was wrong and I promised them it would never happen again. The next time we went to our counselor, he brought it up, I guess hoping to make me look bad. She told me that what I did was wrong, but my kids would get over it. I had apologized and would try to do better. All that I can do is try to do better next time.
What helps me sometimes is to just leave. I get in my car and drive. Sometimes I call one of my two closest friends and rant to them. Sometimes I just drive and cry. I don't come home until I have calmed down. Then I wait to have it out until after the kids are in bed. By this time, I'm not as angry and able to deal with things more rationally. Maybe this would help you?
Don't beat yourself up. You're angry because you have been betrayed in such a horrible way. You are human and these emotions are normal and the upcoming holidays seem to make all of us extra sensitive. Just try to keep it away from your kids next time. That is easier said than done sometimes because they are always around. Try to remove yourself from the situation for their sake. Lots of hugs to you!
When I feel that anger building, for whatever reason, I have to step back and examine what the trigger is, and then admit I'm hurting again. I have to let my walls down and talk to my H about that trigger/hurt/pain. And it's tough because I don't like to be that "weak" person. But it's much more productive in the long run.
I've broken my share of "plates" too, but little by little I'm getting better at addressing the "real" issue, which is pain/sorrow.
But you have to get the control I am working on my anger, I am tlaking ti over with my therapist and in the long run it does no good for you to lose it!! ITs just gets you upset and makes you look crazy so next time walk away breathe and remain in control and tell him that you didnt deserve to be cheated on that your a nice person and if hes not going to stick up for you then you will stick up for you and any friends or family Im sure will back you up!!
So glad that their worried about the other womans feelings getting hurt! IDIOTS!!!!!!
You made a comment about contacting her parents. OW2 her parents knew and they didn't like her seeing a married man but they supported her choice because they love her...What kind of love is that. Sick and pathetic. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Tearful - Months after that day, when OW kept calling and emailing and trying to contact my H, I did contact her father and he could have cared less. Told me it my fault for marrying a man that would cheat on me, and he was sure that my H must be in love with his daughter because what man wouldn't want his lovely daughter? He asked me if I had ever "seen how hot she is?" Seriously!!! And her dad knew that my H is twenty years older than she is and married with three kids. Come on! I totally agree with you about the apples and the trees!
They never went out, not even once, not a lunch, dinner, movie, nothing. He would go to her house and have sex and leave - always during the day. If he was in a hurry she would just give him a blow job without either of them even undressing.
She knew he was married with 3 kids from the moment they met - she liked the idea of having sex with a married man -- liked that it made her feel wanted, made her feel powerful that she could control him that way, liked that he would "put her first".
But, of course, he never put her needs first -- he just selfishly took from both of us and in the end, she got very very hurt when I found out and he broke it off with her. She thought she was in control and she really wasn't.
Imagine what her parents must be like for her to turn out like that!!!
People make their own choices in life. If parents were to blame for every mistake or moral failure that their children make, no one would come off unscathed.
That is just too broad a brush to paint parenting with.
For her Dad to be so insane with me - for him not to care at all about his daughter's self-destructive behavior, for him to comment on his perceived "hotness" of her -- was just all very strange!
A bright, and beautiful point for me.