Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
H and I have been stuck for some time now, he is unable to do what the therapists tell him to do, make an effort, be consistent, be compassionate.
He will make a small effort, then not again for awhile until I ask him to, which makes me feel bad for having to ask, on and on.
Then sometimes, when he is frustrated and wallowing in shame about what he did - he will just lash out and be mean to me. Which I have no tolerance for because my heart is broken.
We have gone around and around on the "mean" thing - he is mean, then apologizes, then promises it will never happen again, and then he is mean again. This morning was literally he 50th time it has happened in the last eight months.
I can't take it anymore. I asked him to take off his wedding ring.
I have not been wearing mine since I found out about the A. He never takes his off, claims he never took it off, not even when he was with her and having sex with her (I know, ewwww, cooties on the finger and the ring and his whole body). Something inside me just snapped and I asked for his ring back and he handed it right over without a fuss.
I asked him if he remembered the promises we both made the day I put the ring on his finger. He said yes and just sat there being sad with nothing to say.
I left for work and he texted me - "I am sad to not be wearing my ring, I feel like you are done with me".
I am at the end of my rope. I keep asking him to move out and take some time to do his own therapy and work on his stuff but he doesn't want to. And the truth is, I don't really want to be apart because I feel like the rare good times we have together are the only thread keeping us trying to heal. I guess that's why I haven't just made him leave. (Well, I did for one night but then I got really sick and let him come back)
Now I feel sad and also guilty for taking his ring. But I guess, it's just a symbol, right? I mean, really, didn't he "take his ring off" when he started having sex with another woman???
He will make a small effort, then not again for awhile until I ask him to, which makes me feel bad for having to ask, on and on.
Then sometimes, when he is frustrated and wallowing in shame about what he did - he will just lash out and be mean to me. Which I have no tolerance for because my heart is broken.
We have gone around and around on the "mean" thing - he is mean, then apologizes, then promises it will never happen again, and then he is mean again. This morning was literally he 50th time it has happened in the last eight months.
I can't take it anymore. I asked him to take off his wedding ring.
I have not been wearing mine since I found out about the A. He never takes his off, claims he never took it off, not even when he was with her and having sex with her (I know, ewwww, cooties on the finger and the ring and his whole body). Something inside me just snapped and I asked for his ring back and he handed it right over without a fuss.
I asked him if he remembered the promises we both made the day I put the ring on his finger. He said yes and just sat there being sad with nothing to say.
I left for work and he texted me - "I am sad to not be wearing my ring, I feel like you are done with me".
I am at the end of my rope. I keep asking him to move out and take some time to do his own therapy and work on his stuff but he doesn't want to. And the truth is, I don't really want to be apart because I feel like the rare good times we have together are the only thread keeping us trying to heal. I guess that's why I haven't just made him leave. (Well, I did for one night but then I got really sick and let him come back)
Now I feel sad and also guilty for taking his ring. But I guess, it's just a symbol, right? I mean, really, didn't he "take his ring off" when he started having sex with another woman???
Do not feel guilty for taking the ring!!! You are fed up with his crap and things have to change. If my H does not read EVERY book we have ordered and do everything the therapist asks of him, I am done.
Honestly, I may be done even if he does all that. But right now I am trying not to make any big decisions out of anger, hate and overwhelming pain.
I just went with him a couple of weeks ago, so the could see my side of this. He gave my H some suggestions, but I have not seem much evidence of him doing it. Since day 1- almost 2 years ago, when something is brought up about the A, he doesn't show any compassion or sympathy to me. He never brings it up, which I think would help me if he would. He just gets angry - 99% of the time. Knows why I am reacting the way I am, which is not the case. Sometimes, he just leaves the room. He said he feels like he's a bad dog and I am punishing him. Why would a dog want to come and give you a love?he says
Rings- I took mine off and have not worn it since he confessed, He said he never took his ring off when he fucked her or made out with her or loved her. Said he never really looked at it. Sooo - I took his ring to the jeweler and on the inside where our initails are and the date of our wedding 1/28/61, there was room so I had the jeweler engrave 11/92. That was the first time of f.... her. The jeweler wanted to shine the ring all up. I said no, it's not a happy occasion. I brought it home, gave it to him and he put it back on. Never said a word and hasn't to this day and it's been almost 2 years. It does bother me terribly when I see him,
nervously twisting it., especially if he does it in church!
I thought something like this would work. A giant red FF on his forehead for f**king fornicator. It would warn the general public of my H's previous hobby, man-whore. A nice modern version of the red letter Hester had to wear.
I totally agree!!!
So sorry about your "new" ring. I would like to sell my old ones!