Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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Husband's Remorse

anguished
anguished
My H has been remorseful from dday. When I adked him what he wanted to do he took a nano second to tell me he wanted to stay with me. Lately his remorse has gone to self loathing. He has been saying what a bad person he is and how he doesn't deserve me.When he gets this way lately he really hates himself but is totally obsessed with his feeling of himself. I have tried to build him up and support him when he gets this way but yesterday he was so angry he was picking a fight with me. Well I stood up for myself, he says he was just standing up for himself and a fight was the outcome. I can control my feelings but I can't control his nor should I be resposible for getting him out of a bad mood or his self esteem. I am not sure but I am getting the feeling that he thinks I should. Is it him trying to manipulate me or is he really feeling that way I'm not sure. When he gets this way he really hates himself and when someone doesn't love themselves how can they love someone else. I have said that to him and suggested counselling but he is really against that idea. He refuses to go to marriage counselling after 3 months of trying. Maybe he got used to the OW's constant flattery, she is a divorced lonely alcoholic who's whole world revolved around H. I think I need to support him and let him know I love and find him attractive but I demand his respect as well. Am I wrong in this thought process? His A which started aroung our 25th wedding anniversary over 4 years ago dispelled the myth that I was the only women he could ever love. He told her he loved her. Maybe it is because I don't idolize him anymore or he truely hates himself. I just don't think he can love someone if he hates himself. Should I tell him leave or give him more time. Dday was nearly 11 months ago now.
BrokenBetty
BrokenBetty
My Dday is about 10 months ago... and my H has days like that. He feels so bad for what he did, that he hates himself.... he calls himself a statistic (just another "baby daddy" as he puts it). While I fully understand our husband's need to self pity themselves, at the same time I feel like there should be some level of respect. No one forced them to sleep with someone else. they made that choice. We are the ones that were hurt most by this, we had no choice. So i think that the self pity should only go but so far before the H turns it around to make himself out to be the victim. I don't think you should tell him to leave, because it is possible for him to still love you, but hate what he did.What I would suggest is that you just talk openly to him, and when he starts that self pity stuff, I'd walk away. give him the love and support he craves when he isn't loathing himself... that way he sees that you love him when he isn't so down. I did that with my H (he won't do counseling either) and it has worked. He has way fewer bad days than before, and we are actually starting to rebuild some of that love that was lost.
Good luck to you! Have faith!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband gets in moods like that. Take a look at the situation in which he is talking like that. Is it a time when you two are talking about the affair? Is it at a time when you are talking about your pain? Is it at moments when you discussing the future and what he must do? That tends to be the times when my husband talks like that. For him, it seems to be a deflection. He starts this self loathing behaviors around the same time he is in the middle of a conversation that makes him uncomfortable. It is a distraction. He doesn't even realize it, so I am not saying he is purposefully avoiding. But I don't sit there and coddle him, hold his hand, and tell him it is going to be ok. I don't tell him he is a good person, that he doesn't deserve to feel that way. I tell him that I am the one in pain, because of something he did, and that the last thing I need is to hear his self pity. I probably say it with a little more kindness, but it typically snaps him out of his self loathing and helps him to refocus on the problem at hand. Later, after we are done talking, or at a random moment, I will mention that, even with all that has happened, I still think he is a decent guy, and that I can't imagine not liking or respecting him. I hate what he did, but I don't hate him, and I make sure he knows that.
lovemarriage
lovemarriage
My H has days just like the ones described here. He's getting better - a lot better actually. We're 2 years post dday, 3 years past A. I think for him the biggest helper has been time and opportunity. Time has passed and he has taken advantage of oppertunities that make him feel like the 'good man' he really strives to be. I love him!
anguished
anguished
I am trying to give him time. He doesn"t start the selfloathing, combative behavior when we are talking about the A but right after talking it starts and can last from 1 to 5 days. It was geyying better and only lasting for
1 day but this time it has been 5 days and he is no longer combative but he is very withdrawn. This makes me anxious of course and I start asking him if he wants to keep working on this relationship which makes him angry again.
lovemarriage
lovemarriage
(((anguish))) how long since dday??
anguished
anguished
It has been almost 11 months since dday. Sept. 6 2009
lovemarriage
lovemarriage
Almost a year after my Dday. It will get better. The anniversary is coming up and I think that influences things (our feelings and such) more than we think it does. I remember having a hard time around my year anniversary. My dday was Sept. 4 2008.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My husband doesn't want to even discuss his affairs. He says I'm opening old wounds. His decision to stop the affairs is supposed to be enough for me.
needhelp62
needhelp62
tyingtoheal71...that isn't enough. He's doing what is right for HIM..and not what is right for you. They're OLD WOUNDS until he does it again. Its been over 2 years since my d-day and i struggle EVERY day.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It has been two years and there has been alot of rebuilding but there has also been some other issues. Everytime something comes up he says..so I guess I am to blame..well yes..duh..you are! It is like he wants to diminish what he has done. He still works with the OW so when I ask him about her he gets really defensive and says that was over two years ago. I don't talk to the woman. Well...excuse me..you have to..you work with her! And yes, Anniversary times are tough and do set you off..even if you try not too. They think its done and over but it's not...and I am not sure it will be truly forgotten ever...nor do I think it should.