I don't think he actually gets the How Much part completely.

I read a post from someone on here, and it really was a great explanation of how it made me feel. I changed it a little for my circumstance... But it really caught the essence of how the affair affected me...

It wasn't a line in the sand that was crossed. I showed you a wall, an external, load bearing wall, and said this is the end of the house, and you said "no way, watch this"... And knocked the wall out of existence.
I immediately tried to brace the house to keep it from falling in on me, i asked you to put the wall back, "i can't hold on forever." "i can't fix it alone", and you tell me "learn to live with it." and with that you ran outside, knocking the kids down as you went. While that wall was gone, and i was immobilized, you ran in, i thought, to help me hold on. Instead you destroyed everything inside.

Wow remp, that was a profound metaphor. I think my H gets it, but he easily pushes it out of his mind at times. I think, when we're good and happy, he is happy as a clam and isn't thinking of the A at all. That sounds good on the surface, but that is actually hurtful. While he's happy as a clam, I'm only surface happy. The pain is always underneath everything. THAT is what he doesn't get.

My therapist tried to get him to understand that when he said to him, "Your wife is having trouble because she cannot understand how you can be "done with it" when she can't be done with it. She wants to feel like you are in this together and if you're "done with it" then she's alone." He also added, "You can't be standing at the top of the mountain looking down on her while she climbs. You have to be climbing right along side of her, helping her the entire way." Anyway, I know he gets it. I know he hates that he's caused me so much pain, but his pain is transient while mine is constant. As I've said to him so many times, he did the crime and I'm suffering the punishment. Not fair, but it is what it is.

I really think it took my H several months of day by day interaction with me to realize how badly his A damaged me. Months of sleepless nights, self destructive behavior, weepiness, extreme anger, mania...and the list goes on. He does understand, but he had to experience it with me first. He once told me that he knew at some point he'd be caught, but he thought I wouldn't care. He knew I'd be hurt, but not like I have. It is part of the sickness.

My H thought he wouldn't care either. He had resolved that the marriage might end...though he didn't "really" believe it would.... and that was ok...until Dday when I asked him to leave. I don't think there's anything that quite gets this point across but experience. However, the fact that I told him I still had a small amount of love for him...but that I didn't want to love him at all anymore...and I was going to do my very best to forget even that tiny speck.... kind of made the point. And, that I didn't think there was going to be anything to stay together for because the pain would foul every moment together for always. I guess he thought I'd brush myself off...and happily go along. That could never ever happen...and until it happens to him he'll never fully understand it. He could probably never feel as I do anyway. He cheated. He knows what that feels like. I haven't...so I don't. And he never loved enough to hurt the way I have either....or he would have never cheated. So, I don't think it's possible for them to ever really know.

I've not been able to adequately express to H the sheer devastation of it all. Sure, I told him 'devastated, disgusted, heart in pieces on the floor, etc'. But it wasn't until I described the months leading up to Dday, the secret trips to the doctor and therapist, the sleep meds, the anti depressants, all to deal with the horror I was watching unfold before my very eyes, not letting on because I knew I had to take control of the life he was systematically destroying. I don't think it really sunk in with him intially, because by Dday I'd managed to get my power back, and I was in the drivers seat. I believe he thought I'd just turned pure bitch, ready to take him down. But when I later revealed my secret hell to him, and said the only thing that came close to that level of pain was the stillbirth of our daughter, he cracked at the weight of it all, saying he's a worthless human being who deserves to go to hell for putting me there, that the world would be better off without him, etc.
They'll never truly understand unless they walk in our shoes. If there was a way he could do that, without compromising myself, my values, I'd do it. But there's not. So he'll never know the real pain.

My husband didn't "get it" until I asked him to read an article on Surviving Infidelity that I'd found online where a therapist said:

"After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once." - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Things changed a lot after he read that.

I also pointed out to him that my extreme physiological reactions also bore testament to the immense psychological pain he'd caused. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping. The only other time in my entire life when those things happened was when I was in a terrible car accident as a teenager and broke both my legs, arm, and skull. And in some ways, that trauma wasn't as bad.

He still has trouble understanding the particulars regarding how much he damaged my self-esteem and world-view, etc, and how to handle these things, but at least he knows that he hurt me, deeply.

I also love the imagery of the falling house, and znzsmom's therapist's imagery of recovery being like climbing a mountain. It sure feels that way sometimes.

I hope things go easier for you, playerapr!

With a baseball bat.




Just kidding. I don't have a baseball bat.

Actually, today is one of those days that I am triggered and grumpy for no reason. I don't even want to see his face.

Agree with all the answers. They don't really know the devastation their actions caused. Sometimes I think the only way for them to know would be for them to live that experience. After Dday I was so angry that I wanted a revenge A but that wouldn't have solve anything, at the time he wasnt really invested emotionally because of the EA so I don't think he would have care plus it meant compromising my values and morals. Good luck to all of us!!!

As he still cries silent tears, I´m sure he gets it. He got it on the 1rst day but he did not expect me to react in such way. For some reason he was not sure I loved him deeply anymore. When he saw me torn apart, shaking, sitting on the floor and repeating "Please tell me this is a nightmare, please wake me up" he saw the pain, the ultimate pain that can be. He let me beat him and kick him while he was crying. Oh my god, I don´t want to remember this. This WAS the worst night in my life as I was 6 months pregnant.
Next night he took me to hospital because I had a nervous breakdown. He was begging God not to take me and our baby away. He was afraid that we will die as I had pain in stomack and in back.

I did not have to explain him. He saw every bit of the pain his actions had caused. Now he is trying to tear down the wall I built around myself.