Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
So... the post that was deleted (I didn't get to read the whole thread so I don't know what went down) seemed like a cautionary tale to begin with. Hey... this happened to me, it could happen to you, be forewarned... sorta thing.
I find myself in a similar situation pretty regularly.
Lemme splain.
So... I have a friend, let's call her Mary who is married to Tom. They tried for numerous years to have a baby, and finally, at 35, Mary was finally able to conceive and carry her baby to term with a LOT of medical intervention. Before Baby, Mary and Tom were best friends, lovers, and companions in just about everything they did. At one point, they even worked together. Now that they have Baby, things have changed - and as far as their marriage goes, not for the better.
Most parents can relate to how difficult it is to make time for their marriage after having kids. For some, it comes naturally. For others, devoting time to marriage seems "selfish". Sometimes, we just don't even think about it. For a lot of us, it's just, "It'll keep." I know I always just figured that when the kids got older, we'd grow closer. Yeah, no. Doesn't really happen that way.
In any case, they NEVER go out alone. They never stay in alone. They're never alone with each other. One may have the baby, or the other, so they may have alone time without Baby, but no couple time, ever. They are, as many older parents who've struggled to conceive, especially INTENSE in their parenting involvement. (Think helicopter parents.)
On top of this, Tom has been doing a LOT of out of town work trips. It's not uncommon for him to spend 2-3 weeks out of town within a three month period. He used to sort of "princess" Mary - you know, lavish her with gifts and going out to eat and just really showing her how special she is. Now, notsomuch. He acknowledged her on Mother's Day last year, but skipped over her birthday and Christmas as far as gifts go, which comes across as, "Thanks for being my baby mama..." instead of, "Thanks for being my life partner."
Meanwhile, Mary has, as many people would say, "Let herself go." She's in "mommy mode" where wearing the same toddler smeared t-shirt two days in a row is more a survival instinct than wardrobe choice. (Why wash it when it's just going to get smeared again, right?) She has no interest in sex, both because of the exhaustion of raising a small child and the wonky med combo she's on.
None of this is excuse for either of them to have an affair, but it certainly does send up red flags as far as marriage deterioration goes. It just looks bad, standing here from the outside. I want so desperately to say something, to caution, to offer words of wisdom, but...
How does one do so in an appropriate way? Is it even possible??
I just keep thinking that no matter how well meaning the message, the response will be, "Well, yeah, that happened to YOU, but that would NEVER happened to ME/US. We're special little snowflakes immune to that sort of thing."
Is it even worth it to say something? I've tried suggesting books to Mary that might open her eyes without offending her. Not words of caution so much as words of encouragement. They had such an amazing marriage before kids, and I really think they can still have an amazing marriage. But... like anything... not if they don't keep working on it.
Marriage doesn't just happen. It has to be a conscious choice.
Ah well. Just thoughts floating in my head. Thought I'd throw it out there as a net and see if I could catch some ideas floating out there.
I find myself in a similar situation pretty regularly.
Lemme splain.
So... I have a friend, let's call her Mary who is married to Tom. They tried for numerous years to have a baby, and finally, at 35, Mary was finally able to conceive and carry her baby to term with a LOT of medical intervention. Before Baby, Mary and Tom were best friends, lovers, and companions in just about everything they did. At one point, they even worked together. Now that they have Baby, things have changed - and as far as their marriage goes, not for the better.
Most parents can relate to how difficult it is to make time for their marriage after having kids. For some, it comes naturally. For others, devoting time to marriage seems "selfish". Sometimes, we just don't even think about it. For a lot of us, it's just, "It'll keep." I know I always just figured that when the kids got older, we'd grow closer. Yeah, no. Doesn't really happen that way.
In any case, they NEVER go out alone. They never stay in alone. They're never alone with each other. One may have the baby, or the other, so they may have alone time without Baby, but no couple time, ever. They are, as many older parents who've struggled to conceive, especially INTENSE in their parenting involvement. (Think helicopter parents.)
On top of this, Tom has been doing a LOT of out of town work trips. It's not uncommon for him to spend 2-3 weeks out of town within a three month period. He used to sort of "princess" Mary - you know, lavish her with gifts and going out to eat and just really showing her how special she is. Now, notsomuch. He acknowledged her on Mother's Day last year, but skipped over her birthday and Christmas as far as gifts go, which comes across as, "Thanks for being my baby mama..." instead of, "Thanks for being my life partner."
Meanwhile, Mary has, as many people would say, "Let herself go." She's in "mommy mode" where wearing the same toddler smeared t-shirt two days in a row is more a survival instinct than wardrobe choice. (Why wash it when it's just going to get smeared again, right?) She has no interest in sex, both because of the exhaustion of raising a small child and the wonky med combo she's on.
None of this is excuse for either of them to have an affair, but it certainly does send up red flags as far as marriage deterioration goes. It just looks bad, standing here from the outside. I want so desperately to say something, to caution, to offer words of wisdom, but...
How does one do so in an appropriate way? Is it even possible??
I just keep thinking that no matter how well meaning the message, the response will be, "Well, yeah, that happened to YOU, but that would NEVER happened to ME/US. We're special little snowflakes immune to that sort of thing."
Is it even worth it to say something? I've tried suggesting books to Mary that might open her eyes without offending her. Not words of caution so much as words of encouragement. They had such an amazing marriage before kids, and I really think they can still have an amazing marriage. But... like anything... not if they don't keep working on it.
Marriage doesn't just happen. It has to be a conscious choice.
Ah well. Just thoughts floating in my head. Thought I'd throw it out there as a net and see if I could catch some ideas floating out there.
And so that Mary can "stop letting herself go", her husband can get up nights with the kid, he can take on the responsibilities of daily care, and he can see just how much time he has for himself at the end of the day. Mary can spend her time refreshing herself.
Your post just goes to show that too many people think it's all the woman's fault or they carry the biggest part of the blame when children come into the picture.
Really, talk to Tom also. He needs to realize his responsibility and commitment. And he needs to realize taking care of children is a lot of work.
Meaning I (only from having read your description), am blaming Tom for the status quo.
"Letting herself go" comes with the territory of a stay at home mother of a little child, largely left on her own with no support. If Tom hires a full time nanny to take over his duties while he is traveling (by the way does he HAVE TO travel, or is he escaping from sleepless nights and generally not very exciting activities that come with having a baby? Or worse, is he cheating already?) Mary will have a moment to take a breath, pee or poop uninterrupted and perhaps even have shower, do her hair and put make up on as she regains some energy after she finally caught up on some sleep.
I don't envy you being in this position. I don't believe there is much you can do though you should definitely try.
Having said that, perhaps it us my bitterness speaking, but I feel sorry for Mary and don't like Tom.
If she is your close friend I would pretty much yell at Tom, as in tell him to man up and become a father that he chose to be.
And something (perhaps just bitterness) tells me that the reason for this is that he is simply princessing someone else instead.....
I know this subject can be tough to aporoach and may cause may to become defensive. Rather than point out what you've Seen happening with them open a discussion that shows her to open up. Often when wet discuss our own lives it encourages others to share their. Then you might find an opening to talk.
You could even being up ds and the huge array of peeps here. The one thing in coMmon with most is the distance created from raising kids and the general feeling of rejection.
As far as the remived post you can see it at infidelity. It's still there
It's all caps and I believe its calked why you should leave your cs