Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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playerapr 05/03/2011

We are trying to rebuilt, trying to work things out. At the time, it is really difficult as my H is in the Army and currently overseas for a year (he has been gone for about 2 months). I tried explaining to him that one of the ways to stay connected is through words of affirmation, affection, the written word since we can't physically show love. He says he is trying but I want more than what he is giving, he hardly writes me emails even though we do chat often. I'm just full of dissapointment, I started sending him emails everyday as a way of keeping him connected to me and the kids but he don't reply to my emails cause he is constantly busy and he says why write when we chat often. He said he liked getting the emails but I stopped writing him cause I'm tired of writing and getting nothing in return. I have told him numerous times that a short note saying I miss you or I'm thinking about you will take him a long way but no luck :(
Am I asking to much, expecting to much? I'm just so confused.....I don't know what to do anymore, what to say, how to react. Your comments and advise are welcome!!

znzsmom 05/03/2011

player, I am so sorry. You are not asking too much. If he has time to sit down and read your emails, he can certainly write back a quick but loving response like, "Thanks for the email. I don't have much time, but I wanted you to know that I love you and I 'm thinking about you. I can't wait until our next chat!" Wow, that took all of 30 seconds! Sweety, it's time to back off the emails. Let him get a taste of how you feel. I know he's busy. I do thank him for his service, especially now, but he can certainly write a line or 2 to let you know that he loves you and is thinking about you. Sending you hugs and support.

deleted_user 05/03/2011

I think you are asking what is normal for loving spouse to give his spouse.
Have you thought of 180?
What would happen if you stop communicating with him for a while and wait for him to make next step?
I believe it´s hard :(
Hugs!

thebeachretreat 05/03/2011

I feel your pain and your disappointment. My H was deployed to Afghanistan in 2008-2009 and I too would grow frustrated with his lack of correspondence. I think it was the beginning of some of the disconnect that caused me to shut down, left us drifting apart, and led to his affair. I just got so sick of being the one sending the emails with report of daily family life, etc....and then never be the first one to log on to e-mail and get a message. His excuse was he was too busy.

We didn't even chat and he called me every other week or so. And this was pre-affair for us.. In your case...add the fact that you have a A to deal with and am I correct, isn't the OW overseas too? I'm sure it is building up to a major level of frustration. You are reaching out to him and he is not meeting you in the middle. Someone who is remorseful for what they have done should be doing their darndest to stay in touch...but that said, he is in a war zone and busy....so you have a catch 22 thing going on here. I'd be backing off and going silent on my end. I think the 180 is called for here. Hugs.

P.S. I can tell you this...should my H ever get deployed again. I don't care if he is on the front lines being shot at daily, by GOD he better email me and call more often. The behavior that I put up with on his last deployment will not be something I will tolerate down the road if he gets called up again. I paid the price from this last disconnect and I'm only paying that bill once. I have learned that if you tolerate less, then some people will give you only the bare minimum of what you expect. I have higher expectations now and if they are not met, then we either talk about it and find out what's going on and get it fixed. If he should not be willing to meet me in the middle then my mantra is that life it too short to invest more time in someone who can't make me a priority. Thank goodness he is doing it now.

playerapr 05/03/2011

I have told him numerous times, I write encyclopedias but I have told him that I don't expect that from him. I have told him - he has to log-in with username/password, read my messages and he don't have a minute to write??!!! Hence my frustration!!!!!!
Oh beach reading your story is like reading mine - deployed 2008-2009 where he initially met the OW - I also got frustrated by lack of communication, same excuse "I'm to busy" - we disconnected and he became distant and it was the beginnng of the EA. OW is overseas, she don't talk to him, or so he claims and their 1SG are aware of the no contact order which gives some peace of mind that their leadership knows.
I asked, I talked,I explained, I demand......he is still to busy, which I know he is but that said where their is a will their is a way, he says he is trying and I see the effort but I just want more than was he is giving.
I have implemented some 180 - I don't email him anymore - we chat and he has to be the one initiating cause I can't - if he wants to know what is going on with and the kids he has to be the one to communicate.
Thanks for your words!!!!!

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