Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I found out (with evidence) my husband had an affair when we were going through a very bad stretch in our relationship (about 2 years ago). But then I also found out he was having sexually explicit chats and phone sex sessions with someone he met through an online game that lived in a different state.
Sigh....then I found out that he was also checking out people on Ashley Madison.
I have poked around his computer thoroughly, and that's all I could find evidence of so far.
We are going to counseling, and he is extremely sorry about all of this, and he's being really great.
But I cannot tell if he's just a person that is going to behave like this all the time, and needs to have these extramarital things going on, or if it was just situational (b.c. we were going through a horrible time and/or he says he feels depressed lately).
When I actually read what I wrote about him at the start of my post, as if I were seeing this post by someone else, I would think he's just a perpetual dog, out on the hunt for lovers at all times.....
Is there any hope for someone like him?
Am I going to go through all this counseling effort, feel like things are fine for a while and then figure out he's doing it again..
Sigh....then I found out that he was also checking out people on Ashley Madison.
I have poked around his computer thoroughly, and that's all I could find evidence of so far.
We are going to counseling, and he is extremely sorry about all of this, and he's being really great.
But I cannot tell if he's just a person that is going to behave like this all the time, and needs to have these extramarital things going on, or if it was just situational (b.c. we were going through a horrible time and/or he says he feels depressed lately).
When I actually read what I wrote about him at the start of my post, as if I were seeing this post by someone else, I would think he's just a perpetual dog, out on the hunt for lovers at all times.....
Is there any hope for someone like him?
Am I going to go through all this counseling effort, feel like things are fine for a while and then figure out he's doing it again..
There were other troubling things, like a secret second email address, that to this day he swears up and down he created to use to sign up for websites so he wouldn't get spammed. But why keep it a secret from ME, then, you know?
When I believed it was "just" one woman, I could convince myself that he was "lured" and "seduced" into an affair, as if he had no choice. But I quickly was facing proof that, no, this had become a lifestyle, of sorts, and one I could NOT live with.
So, yeah, we laid down some ground rules.
Your rules are gonna depend on where your weak points are. Maybe it's that he can't be on the computer unless you're in the same room. No. I'm serious. It may be THAT restrictive unless/until he can prove himself to you. (Or maybe just forever.) My husband lost his Facebook privileges for all time or until I die. Harsh? Maybe. I got rid of my FB account, too, and frankly, I'm so much happier for it. He also keeps an updated list of all his accounts and passwords. He doesn't make a new account anywhere or change a password without consulting me FIRST. Harsh? Maybe. But it's what I needed to feel OK again. And he agreed. At first, resentfully, but now it's just... whatever. He's not doing anything so he doesn't care what boring nerd emails I see about D&D or fan letters to his favorite authors or whatever.
I still occasionally read his emails or check phone records. There hasn't been an unrecognized phone/text number in 2 years minus ones he's told me about. (Both times mis-texts - both times brought to me within moments of it happening.) I didn't believe there was hope at one point, but now I believe that change can happen. But it's hard. And both partners have to be 100% all in to see the changes through.
In my husband's case, I think once he started crossing the line with women (contacting them privately via text/Facebook) his whole moral code just spun out of control. It's like, I dunno, he crossed one line and "nothing bad happened" so he crossed another... and another. And then, when he found himself ensconced in an affair, it was like, "Woah, how did I get here?" How many of us betrayed spouses have heard the phrase, "I don't know! It just happened!??" Well. Yeah. It didn't. It was one bad choice after another that spiraled seriously out of control.
Does that make my guy a "bad person"? Not to me. It means he made some seriously poor choices that had some severe and long lasting consequences. It means that at some point, he felt like he'd effed up so bad, he had no recourse but to keep going down the effed up path he'd chosen. It took me finding out about the affair, confronting him (at which point he STILL denied, even though I had proof in hand!!) and then saying, "OK, well, things have to change if you want me to stay," before he even believed he COULD change gears.
I'm not saying all guys are like that. Some guys are addicted to the chase. Some really don't have any moral code. Some guys (and women) are just so self centered that they don't even care what they do or how it affects others. But... we ALL make mistakes. We all do dumb things. We all are selfish at times or make choices that we justify, even though we know they're poor choices. I will NOT ever stand on some high and mighty soap box and tell you how *I* didn't cheat so *I* am a better person than my husband, because I've messed up just as bad - just in different ways.
But. We've both learned to STOP. You know? When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you gotta do is STOP DIGGING. We've both made some really huge changes in how we approach each other, conflicts, marriage in general, and love. We've committed to meeting each other's needs and to making our own needs known. We've committed to STOP with the cruddy behavior to each other and start being the partners we each deserve.
It can happen. It's a hard, painful road, though, and it really does take both partners to be 100% on board. If he's not willing to be 100% transparent and willing to take necessary steps to prevent an affair before it can possibly start... *shrug*
I do believe that a person can have a period of really poor decisions that snowball and come out the other side being a trustworthy, honest, FAITHFUL partner... but it has to be a choice that one makes every second of every day, not a one time proclamation.
((hugs))
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/09/can-trust-be-rebuilt-part-1.html
A link at the end of that one takes you to the second. I think I responded to you on the Infidelity forum, so I won't bother repeating here.