I am not on here very often but I thought I would share a bit of my story to give you some encouragement.

August 3rd, 2012 was "D-Day" for me. I'd left home for a 2 week trip that turned into 12 weeks (taking care of an elderly parent) and during that time my husband was unfaithful to me - several times.

He was given the choice to stay with me and work through this - but had to give up the other partner. I'm glad he chose to stay.

Unlike many people - I did NOT ask for details and I am so glad now that I did not ask for them - because it doesn't give my mind something to work on and fester and cause more pain. So I can't tell you about the images and having them go away - I mean - I did have some images - but no specifics.

My husband was very grief-stricken and filled with remorse once he realized exactly what he had done (our story is a bit different and some might say worse) and I think that the fact he had remorse really helped in the moving-on process because I saw he was truly repentant. He did anything he could to prove himself to me and win back my trust - and to be honest with you - after 34 years of marriage now - he does have it back.

He never once blamed me (although I realized recently that by leaving him for so long - I did expose him to a vulnerable spot because of his needs and his nature - and I asked his forgiveness.

We never really went to a marriage counselor - we worked on the issues ourselves and I read some books - one of which was "Torn Asunder" - I think that was the one that explained the different types of affairs and helped me realize that my husband's affair was almost like being under a spell or a drug addiction where you don't think clearly and something else takes over for a while - and when you wake up and realize what you've done - you're shocked and confused and dismayed. That certainly described my husband....

We're 14 months out now from D-Day (plus a few days) and our marriage is stronger than ever. We're making each other a priority on a daily basis - not just as far as sex goes - but as far as communication goes, etc.

The thing I decided on D-Day - within minutes of the discovery - was that I HAD to forgive him - no matter what. Even if we didn't stay together - I had to forgive him - because bitterness and unforgiveness would be like me drinking poison and then wondering why he didn't die.

So I chose to start the forgiving process even then....within minutes. That helped a lot for me.

There would be times when I'd start to get upset because an image might come to mind or something and I'd have to stop myself - go somewhere private and actually speak out loud "I choose to relinquish this thought. I chose to forgive my husband and am rebuilding my marriage. I will not engage in these negative thoughts any more."

Mind you - it was a battle - but well worth the fight.

You can make it through and you can restore your marriage. My heart goes out to your wife - she must really be grieving over what she has done (at least from the way you've written things).

I hope you two can make it....I believe if both partners are willing to forgive and move forward - you can.

I've known some couples to recover more easily from a "major" event than another couple from a relatively "minor" one. Everyone is different. Everyone's capacity to grow, learn, and change is different. And everyone's pain tolerance is different, ya know?

I've heard some people say, "Well, if s/he had ____ I couldn't even consider rebuilding!" but then I'm sure a lot of them would have said, "If my spouse ever cheats, I'd just leave!" long before the affair, so it's hard to say what we can or can't tolerate or get past.

Anyway... something struck me that I really, really wanted to comment on. It's the one point I ALWAYS comment to those who are freshly betrayed.

THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE A SATISFYING EXPLANATION OF WHY THIS HAPPENED. Sorry. Caps were necessary because it's absolutely an important point.

Let me illustrate.

My husband is driving along all recklessly in his car. I'm driving along in my car. Now, I can say that I'm being more careful than him, but sure, I'm distracted by the kids arguing, I'm tired from medical conditions, I'm not as attentive as I could be, I MIGHT be fiddling with the radio... but still, I'm being more careful than him, since he's not even driving on the same side of the road. Anyway, he crashes straight into me and the kids. EVERYONE is injured, but perhaps me most of all.

So now imagine my husband jumping out of his rumpled steel and plastic mess of a car and... he just starts walking. Because. You know, everything's fine. Nothing to see here. He just abandons me and the kids on the side of the road where we're bleeding out because, well, everything's fine. WHY ARE WE DWELLING ON THIS. How stupid are we!? Why don't I just get out of the car and just keep moving forward on the road like nothing happened, like he is!?

Pretty stupid, right? But that's pretty much what he wanted to do post discovery of his affair.

OK... back to the scenario... There I am, bleeding out on the side of the road. Do I call 911? Do I instruct my husband as he's walking away pretending everything is OK on what I need from him to do to help me? Do I check on my kids to see if they have pulses? Do I reach for my pathetic, and in this case probably not very useful med kit to at least try to patch myself up?

No. I keep screaming at my husband, "WHY!? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?"

Because, for some reason, in my head I keep thinking that if I know WHY he did it, it will somehow erase the damage. It won't.

Believe me, I understand the inclination, but it's not helpful.

You DO need to be asking questions and you DO need to get answers, but you're likely (like most betrayed spouses) asking the wrong questions. You've already identified that garnering every gory detail is NOT helpful to your healing. That's one I never did learn, to my detriment.

So what do you need to ask/know?

Now WHY... but HOW. How did it happen. I don't mean how, in as far as who put what where, but how as in, what doors were left wide open that gave her opportunity, means, and availability to have the affair? Where are/were the weaknesses in your marriage that you can both mutually patch up? This can be hard, because it means both parties have to take responsibility - NOT for the affair, that's ALL on her - but for the marriage. And it's hard to hear, "Well, you were kind of failing me/us..." But it's better to learn about the issues - and fix them - than to relive the nightmare you're in now.

Yep... she could be depressed and/or have low self esteem. That definitely leaves someone vulnerable to flattery and praise - though almost all of us already are. She could be deeply annoyed because you leave the cap off the toothpaste and be ready to divorce you, using the affair as an excuse to finally end things. It could be that you don't meet her emotional needs and this other dude started to. Or it could be just that he offered, she said yes, and ya both need to figure out why she thought it would be OK to say yes.

She did absolutely the right thing pulling herself out of the school. Even if she finds herself disgusted with and never wanting to talk to this principle again, she will have no choice but to have to interact with him professionally. Not only will that leave her uncomfortable (and risk restarting the affair) even if nothing EVER happens with them again, it'll kill you every time she walks out the door to go to work. You'll go nuts with every meeting she has to attend with him and you'll always wonder what's going on when she's away. That's no way to live.

A huge way to help with the images you're dealing with is knowing they are not currently happening, and her cutting all contact will help immensely. You'll still have to work through your own residual pain and fears, but I promise - it DOES get better. I can remember holding my husband's hand and suddenly pulling away in anger and resentment because out of nowhere I'd wonder if he held HER hand like that. And so on... I'm sure you go through similar things. The images are going to haunt you initially, and the best you can do is to actively think about something else. You can't easily NOT think of something, but you can choose to /think about something else/.

For me, the best thing during those times was to be extraordinarily selfish and think, "What do *I* need from my husband right now in this moment?" I'd never done that before. And you need to. And then you need to communicate it to your wife. "I need you to hold me right now and tell me you love me." "I need you to leave me alone for a few minutes so I can get my emotions under control, because I don't want to say something hurtful." "I need you to show me all of your email/phone records/whatever." Granted, she can say no. She can NOT meet your needs, but at least identifying what you need in the moment will help you both. This will really help you through those moments when the images of her interacting with this other jackass overwhelms/depresses/angers you most.

If you're already good at identifying and expressing your needs (my husband and I weren't) then the next thing is helping HER to do the same. This is as important. You BOTH need to be 100% transparent in all ways. Which means, if she's not happy/satisfied in the marriage, she needs to be able to safely express it. Not safely as in - she's right no matter what - but just in that you won't deny, negate, yell, belittle, etc.

Lastly, the one thing that most helped me to rebuild trust with my husband (aside from the 100% transparency) was to establish boundaries. He no longer works graveyard shift. He no longer works with the lawyer with whom he had the affair. Ever. Neither of us have friends of the opposite sex that are not mutual friends that we hang out with together. He calls me BEFORE he's going to be late coming home from work. We have each others passwords to everything. There are other rules specific to our situation, but it helps me. Some of these little boundaries may be easy enough to overcome (I mean, sure I have AN email password, but he could always sign up for another without me knowing) but it's a nice security blanket to hold on to when my brain starts to fizzle in paranoia or when I just need to believe there's a net under me in order to be brave enough to walk out on the tight rope of marriage.

Blah, sorry, I went on and on. I think you're both on the right track and I think you stand an excellent chance of recovering and building something even better than before the affair. Commit to a recovery program, stick with it, and you'll both be ok.

We all will.

If your wife is showing true remorse then I'd say you have a very good chance of working this out and having a stronger marriage in the end.

Why did she do it? Because she wanted to. I know that sounds harsh but it ultimately boils down to that every time. There are a thousand other options she could've chosen instead of this. Believe me, I'm sure she's turning over every mental rock to figure out how she became this person and what led her here, but in the end it was a choice. I only say that because the bigger question is what she's going to do to prevent it from happening again. Most CS don't start off with the intention of having an affair - but they get on that path and its one step at a time, one choice at at a time that leads to a really bad place. They rationalize that its not hurting anyone, they just want to see what will happen, a hundred justifications of why they should keep going, and then the bill comes due and its a LOT higher than they ever imagined it would be.

Choosing to rebuild isn't the same as saying you'll never divorce - its just giving yourself time and space to see if this can be worked out before making any big decisions.

There are 3 types of CS. 1. Those who are serial cheaters. 2. Those who are looking to exit the marriage and need someone to hold their hand 3. Those who made a horrible mistake and are otherwise good people.

Your wife sounds like she's in category 3. In a bad place and came in contact with the wrong person and made a huge a mistake.

Sending support and good vibes your way! Hope you can work things out and get back on track.

I think I responded to this on the Infidelity forum, so I won't repeat it all here. You've already received some great advice, similar to what I recall stating. Allora made a lot of good points to keep in mind.

I don't recall you asking this question on Infidelity: "And finally. Is the fact that this was a minor affair compared to others that I have read make it easier to overcome?"

I threw up a similar question about degrees of affairs and whether certain situations make it easier to deal with. In a strictly logical basis, one would think sure. The less time involved, the less sexual exposure involved, should make getting past it easier. Problem is, everyone is different, and there is no way to know how the dominoes would have fallen if one had been moved from here to there.

For instance, by the time I caught my wife, she'd done it all. If I'd been paying attention, grown suspicious earlier, and investigated to discover her emotional affair with the first guy before anything physical had happened, before her Internet relationships developed, before she found a local guy to go all the way with, theoretically I wouldn't have been hit as hard and maybe I wouldn't have lost as much.

But it could also be that she would have been so much into the desire that first man had whipped up that I doubt discovery would have shook her out of it. She'd convinced herself she wasn't doing anything wrong, had developed a hunger for experiences, etc. Finding out then might have delayed what happened, but not stopped her from desiring him and experiences, and a second discovery later would have been even harder to overcome as well.

Plus, I know I wouldn't have been shaken up enough to make the changes I needed to. When I read the key log of her computer session, and realized my suspicions were true, that she had been having sex chats online, it didn't floor me. It made me sad, and I knew we'd need to deal with it, but it didn't send me into trauma mode. But when I read that she had been having an affair with a local guy and had sex with him, I felt like I'd been hit by a train. I went into total shock and didn't want to believe what I was reading. It literally shattered my security and marital intimacy. While I'd never want to go through that, it did provide the motivation to makes some significant changes in the way I relate to my wife that improved our marriage.

But for others, just hearing their spouse is doing online sex chats would send them into the emotional ICU. Hearing about a one-night-stand will cause some BSs to bail whereas another BS might struggle along with a serial cheater, hoping to fix them.

What I've generally realized through life is what you experience as painful in life, better or worse, is totally subjective and totally real for you. There is no way to objectively measure my pain and compare it with yours to find out which is worse. Nor will I ever know if things would have been better or worse in a "what if" scenario. It might have been easier for us to have gotten over it if I had found out before she committed any physical acts and had more than one AP, or it might have been the first step to the end of our marriage instead of us being happy almost 2.5 years after dday, and closer than ever. Who knows?

What you do have at this point is the current and the future, and deciding whether you can deal with what did happen and build to a happier future together. History's already been written. The future is waiting for both of you to write it. You'll have to go through the same grieving process and work toward acceptance like all of us. Sounds like you are both on the right tracks, but it will take time. Months and years. Don't expect to get over it in days or weeks. This is something you'll deal with for the rest of your life, though it gets easier as successful rebuilding turns into years.

Thanks everyone for responding.

So far very helpful. I guess, like most, I want to hear that if I stick it out and work, that things will be ok and my family will remain together.
Lisalisa I like how you catagorized three groups and will have to agree that my wife feel into the good person who made a big mistake group.
Cole thanks for your input as well. Not sure if I mentioned it on the other forum but I picked up your book and I am finding it helpful and a good source of support. Thanks for sticking with this forum when it seems like your life is back on track.

As a couple of you mentioned my wife is really started to struggle with what took place. In the grand scheme her life was quite good. Thy other night she opened up and was questioning how she could have done something like this with her two small children at home. I'm still waiting for her to bottom out. I don't think she has yet and I'm quite concerned for when and if it does.

Glad you've found the book helpful. Any reviews on Amazon, B&N, or wherever, appreciated. Hard to get a new book onto people's radar.

I just want to add something else that is making me slightly mental. Every time I look at my beautiful twin, who will be two in November, I stop and wonder why would she risk seeing them grow up? If I took a different road we would each be seeing them half the time we are now. I don't believe she considered that - which also makes me question mental health. If I'm honest thinking about how she possibly risked the well being of the kids so she could "feel good" about herself is beyond me and is making me angry. Also a key point is that the other man is 20+ years older than her and has a daughter that is 8 years younger than my wife.

Sorry slight rant.

Rants allowed. :)

Same here. The fact is, to stop and logically think about all they are risking would cause them to stop themselves. When their minds are in high desire mode, fueled by their passions to an addictive level, those kinds of logical evaluations are avoided. If they do start thinking about it, their passions pull them back from it with rationalizations: Oh, this is just a fun game. I can control myself. I can hide it so he and the kids never find out so I can have my fun.

That's why they call that state of mind, "the fog." They want something so bad they ignore the consequences of getting it, like a druggy robbing stores to get his next fix, or a gambler putting their life savings or mortgage on the gambling table.

But there is a bright side to this aspect. I know that during those 7 months, my wife of 29 years was decidedly not acting like herself. She went into that state of mind and it was obvious. When she came more fully out of it, that was obvious too. (About 9 months after dday. She gradually emerged from it after dday, but it wasn't until 9 months I noticed her desire levels and behaviors returning to "normal")

What that means is at least she is not a serial cheater. At least she didn't think to herself, even in it all, that what she was doing was good and right. That is easier to deal with and heal from, than say a narcissistic person who at all times thinks they deserve to enjoy themselves whenever opportunity comes, or they can create it.

None of the fog excuses her decisions. But it does mean this is not their normal mode of operations. Which makes recovering much more likely than if you were dealing with a serial cheater who was consciously willing to put that all on the line.

I was going to start a new thread but decided to just add to this one.

It has been a few weeks since my original post and I just want to update everyone and hopefully add some hope to those struggling.

My Dr. Put me on stress leave, and I have been off work for two and a half weeks - returning on Monday. At first it seemed to make things worse but in the last 10 days things seemed to be improving. My state of mind for the most part is in a positive space - sometimes with a lot of effort on my part - other times with very little. Part of the reason I think this is happening is because my wife seems to be exiting one frame of mind and entering another of realization. Just the other night she looked at me and apologized again to me and mentioned that she would never hurt me again. Typing it out doesn't provide the sincerity in which it was delivered. These moments have been few and far between but they are emerging more now, which is making it easier to move forward.

This was also a big week in closure because we finally emptied her classroom at the school in which she worked with him. Giving me one last connection that I have to deal with. The ride home provided another opportunity for her to express how gutted she is over the whole thing and how angry she is with herself and him.

Anyways, what I am trying to share is that I believe repairing this or any marriage is possible, not that mine is there yet, but I believe that in the long run it will be worth it.

If you are reading this and in despair, and your spouse is showing regret, keep hope alive. 7 weeks out of full disclosure, 3 months from first disclosure and things are feeling better, not normal. I would imagine and hope that as time passes things will continue to feel better and as long as the two of us stay focused it will be worth it.

Also I have these two http://www.flickr.com/photos/siriannic/10428386325/ great kids pulling for us to work things out and restore our marriage and love for each other.