Im an advocate for rebuilding when there are children involved. However, my advice to you may not be what you want to hear. If my daughter was cheated on, and she had no kids, I would advise her to end things.

Cheating is horrific and devastating. Getting through it and rebuilding successfully is extremely hard. It requires 100% commitment from both partners. However in the early stages and until the betrayed is stabilized enough to put more effort in, the cheater is responsible for carrying the heavy load.

It is up to the cheater to work at figuring out what drive thrm to risk their relationship, to figure out what their bs needs and to be kind and patient as the bs sorts through the roller coaster of emotions.

If you decide to try with him, understand it will not be easy. It's a very bumpy ride this cheating shit.

Im an advocate for rebuilding when there are children involved. However, my advice to you may not be what you want to hear. If my daughter was cheated on, and she had no kids, I would advise her to end things.

Cheating is horrific and devastating. Getting through it and rebuilding successfully is extremely hard. It requires 100% commitment from both partners. However in the early stages and until the betrayed is stabilized enough to put more effort in, the cheater is responsible for carrying the heavy load.

It is up to the cheater to work at figuring out what drive thrm to risk their relationship, to figure out what their bs needs and to be kind and patient as the bs sorts through the roller coaster of emotions.

If you decide to try with him, understand it will not be easy. It's a very bumpy ride this cheating shit.://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Yeah. I dunno. Boyfriend of 5+ years isn't the same as married for 5+ years. If he wasn't serious enough to put a ring on it after that much time, I'd say find someone who can commit to you and only you. You deserve it.

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I should have added we have both agreed marriage isn't for us for a long time. we both have a lot going on professionally, health wise, etc. to where we have a mutual understanding that marriage wasn't going to happen for quite awhile anyhow. but i understand what you meant allora.

My husband visited who I found out to be his AP in another state for a week...It was easier for me to "get over" I guess because he would never admit to doing anything physical when he was there. Anyway, she was his highschool friend, too. At the time we were together 11 years, married for 7. I'm still with him 5 years later. If​ I wasn't married to him with so much community property, if I was only with him 5 years like you, I would have left him. I still to this day wonder if i should have, when we have arguments...But things are much better now. However, it took me 4-1/2 YEARS to get to this point where I no longer have one foot out the door. Cut your losses. Also, keep in mind it is a lot harder to cut off an affair when it is with someone you hung out with in your past since they can re-live their youth and have a stronger bond, in my opinion...He may just take it deeper underground instead of cutting it off. You deserve better.

Tooma1 : sorry if I sounded flippant. Obviously, these decisions aren't black and white. You invested a lot in this guy, and walking away at this point would feel incredibly wasteful, and regardless of time spent or married or not, you certainly will have your heart broken at such a loss.

I guess from a boiled down, simplified, completely outside perspective - it just seems like recovering from this would take a lot more work and sacrifice than I myself would be willing to make based on the "best possible scenario". I know how tough it was for my husband and I and how many career sacrifices he had to make in order to make our marriage and family the utmost priority. It seems like if neither of you were willing to sacrifice careers for marriage, he probably isn't going to do so for a "long term commitment" when the ease and convenience of having multiple partners is so readily available.

Then again? What do I know of you and your circumstance? Nothing. Maybe you're not logically opposed to him sleeping with other people, just here to find advice on how to get right with that in your heart. There are a lot of folks who wholeheartedly belief that monogamy is impossible and pointless and that they are the broken ones for wanting it.

I don't feel that way, myself, so I don't have much to offer in that realm, but I don't judge others who do feel that way. We all have to find our own paths in this world and I know there is no one right way.

I agree with the others. You are not married to this guy. It is easy to gather your stuff and get out of there.

Think back to when you were a girl, is this guy and his sneaking, lying behavior what you dreamed about? Of course not. He's a jerk. Let the bitch have him.

Now that you found out and confronted him, I can promise you he will just get sneakier. It's what they do. He's not going to stop cheating.

Get on with your life and leave this guy in your past.

Good luck to you!

thanks for all the responses. perhaps i came to the wrong place. i was hoping to get advice on moving past the affair and rebuilding, as many as you have. thank you anyhow.

Well, yes this is a group that has or still is in the "miving past" past phase. I think the poins bring made here are that, "moving past" & "rebuilding" ate very difficult and very painful roads that are rarely successful.

Even when they are, many of us question if it was worth it. Those of us that have had any level of success in rebuilding generally chose that path because we had marriage and children invested along with time and emotions.

I believe my advice about him needing to out in the majority of the work is important. He should be seeking counseling andr or reading books on how he can help you.

At the very least he should be willing to attend some couples counseling.

The only way to know if you can rebuild, is to try. Both of you need to want it 100% and try with all you have to make it work.

You want to know how to rebuild a committed two partner relationship?

You have TWO partners (not three...) who are BOTH 100% on board with rebuilding and making a relationship that is better than what they had before the infidelity. If even one person is at 85% (or less) your outcome will be less than optimal. (Read Pink's response about wondering if it was even worth it.)

So... you want to make it work. Does he? If not, you have very little shot of doing so. But that still doesn't mean it's impossible. It just means it's unlikely.

So here are some things I found were absolutely necessary in my recovery:

1) We had to eliminate any of the weak points that made it possible for my husband to cheat.

In our case, that meant he had to change his shifts and we NEVER spend a night apart. When he had to go out of town for training, we got a sitter for the kids and I went with him.

2) Full disclosure and transparency.

Since his was a work related affair, we went together and let his bosses know what happened and with whom. He put in a formal request to never be assigned to work with this woman again, though he was told that with two agencies that work so closely together in such a rural area, it couldn't be a guarantee, just something they would try to do. His family and my family were also made aware of the circumstances as were most of our closest friends. Everyone was made to know we were working on our marriage and that we expected the respect and support necessary for us to work through things.

Then, he gave me every single password to every single account he had ever created since the beginning of time. I was allowed to check his phone or computer or mail or go through his car or sift through his dresser or even go to his work and search there at any time I wanted with no notice. I also gave him all of my information. We practiced "radical honesty" where there were no lies, not even "kind lies".

3) Absolutely NO contact with the Other Woman. As mentioned above, his work couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't be stuck in a situation where he'd be working with the OW, so he literally transferred offices and we moved more than three hours away to a new town. We owed more than we could sell our house for because of the lovely market crash, so we had to do a deed in lieu of foreclosure on our house and we might never own another home again. That said? I NEVER have to worry about ever running into the OW myself nor him ever accidentally or intentionally meeting up with her.

He changed his phone number, after blocking her phone number meant she just changed hers or borrowed other people's phones (including, ironically, her boyfriend's) so she could call him in desperation. He had his work file a formal complaint and request for no contact when she kept persisting in trying to contact him.

4) A promise to meet each other's needs.

For us - this meant evaluating where we both were feeling unmet needs and making it very clear how we wanted those needs met, then often negotiating until we could find something we were both comfortable with and/or spending months "practicing" (often quite unsuccessfully) to meet those needs. It was A LOT of work. Some of it was great fun (yay for weekends cooped up in a hotel practicing sexual techniques) but a lot of it was so painful and so frustrating that there were times when I thought, "This just can NEVER work no matter how badly we want it to." Obviously, 6 years post DDAY and happier than we EVER work before, we muddled through and found our way to the other side, but I won't lie, it was one of the hardest and most grueling processes I've ever been through. Not only was I often frustrated with him, but just as often with myself.

Do any of these sound like things you - AND YOUR BOYFRIEND - are willing and able to commit to for the period of at least two years?

If so, keep coming back and chatting at us. I'm sure we have a lot to talk about and can help support you guys through the process. :)

Allora, when did your rage go away and how long before you finally felt like your marriage may work. In 1 week will be the 1 year anniversary. We saw the OW a couple days ago (she didn't see us) and I have gradually declined before I went on a full on rampage. I keep telling myself I am not sure how long I can do this, ESP with him producing a child out of his cheating. He lied the entire 7 years we were married. We are in counseling and have always been in church, but I'm not sure if it is enough.

I'm confused by the dates in your post with NYE, Florida and finding out last night. Can you clarify: Is this a repeat cheating situation after D day, or did you find out just recently about all of it? Proper sentences and paragraphs would help.