Hi 4YL, formerly destinedtobe.

I remember you. Glad to hear rebuilding has gone well with you. Me too. Sounds like your H has been on a good path, to not only be triggered himself by that, but be aware enough that you would be even more and do his best to comfort you. Much better than some CSs who would have said something like, "What? You should be over that by now."

Gabi and I are currently at 3 years and 5 months from dday. Triggers lessen and lose their impact as time goes by, usually, but never fully go away. Something we'll always deal with I think.

Thank you Cole. I remember you as well. My H has realized that this is something that will never go away. It happened - can't change that. I couldn't agree with you more on the time limits that some CS think there should be on this. Great to hear that you & Gabi are also rebuilding successfully - congrats!

So happy for you 4yearslater:) July was 4 years post D-day for me (after a year long affair plus a footfetish and continuing flirting with women after I caught him). I guess if I've stayed this long I can say that we are rebuilding successfully, otherwise I would have been gone by now. I struggle to think that I will ever be able to say we have successfully "rebuilt", because it sounds to me like something that has been done. Successful (to me) means we are still together, and rebuilding (to me) means you are constantly working at it. I don't think we will at any point in time be "rebuilt" until the day we die. I will have triggers and trust issues until the day I die. For the most part we are happy on a daily basis, and he is doing what he is suppose to do, as far as I can see. I am not with him 24 hours, so I don't know what he does at work or at the stores. We still get ups and downs, but the "downs" are not as low and long as it used to be. However, the day the rebuilding stops (or has happened or stopped), will be the day I will leave. For me there is no such thing as sitting back and relaxing thinking everything will forever be ok, like we did before the affair. He had privilegdges before the affair that he no longer has, and never will have again. It sounds grey, but it is going very well actually. So as long as he keeps staying in his rebuilding mode, all will be good. I think marriage now is a bit like religion. You are either on fire or you get stuck in a grey area where you just call yourself a christian but don't live it. The moment we fall into that grey area, is pretty much a sign to me that it is over. So far so good:) I am so happy that you are happy! Isn't it nice to not be miserable all the time?!

You know musclgirl - I can so relate to what you're saying. Rebuilding is a continual thing - I'd be lying & fooling myself if I thought we were 100% rebuilt. Far from it. Like you say - the day we stop rebuilding, is the day I call it quits. It's a constant. Once you've been betrayed, there will always be trust issues & triggers. In the beginning, they're more intense - I seriously didn't think I was going to make it through another day. As time went one, it was "us" working together again. Our marriage became important to us both again. And I understand about the "privelages" that were taken for granted before that just aren't acceptable after. The line was crossed - period. I think between the A and what unfolded afterwards is what set our foundation today. That's what makes it strong. However, that doesn't mena that I'm back to my carefree days - our marriage was tarnished - and that will be something that I can never erase. Thanks fo rthe post - it's a reminder that rebuilding is not done over a certain period of time - it's a lilfetime of rebuilding. And yes, it is really nice not to be miserable all the time!

Thanks for posting. It's been about a year and a half since D Day for me and I've recently been thinking about how long things will continue to trigger different feelings. I know everyone is different and that the rebuilding is a continual process, but I have been feeling a little lost lately. I hadn't realized it until I read your post, but I think I get more frustrated than I realize when he doesn't seem to notice things that would trigger feelings for me. I just don't feel like I should have to keep telling him what triggers me, he should recognize it too and offer comfort or support. I guess I just feel like he's not listening to what I need.....and of course now that I'm realizing all of this, I have to wait to talk to him since he's out of town with work....

This site has been on my mind this week and I'm glad I checked in. In just a short time, it has already helped me gain some clarity again. :)

jennka - at a year and half, my h and I were still dancing around a lot of areas - in which they were triggers for me yet H tiptoed around afraid to trigger a trigger -KWIM? He still hadn't grasped, even after a year & half, how I could be "living in the past". Stupid things like he took a rose from our garden to work with him and I couldn't help to think it was to give it to TOW or any woman. I knew he enjoyed the beauty of what we grew here and wanted to enjoy it at work as well, but it was still too early to not think that he had another purpose for it. I told him to bring it home with him on a Friday (he only brought it in on Thursday) because, in my words" it would be a shame to have it die over the weekend without continuing to enjoy it:. I was insistent that he bring it home. He did not & I was packed & ready to leave because he just didn't see the significance of that rose. That was a huge breaking point for us. As well as getting support from our MC - who told my H there were no time limits on when I would have triggers & suggested that my H really listen, love & support US - not just me, but US. 4+ years later and there are times that he still doesn't catch on - I'm a bit more patient now in explaining to him than I was back in those very dark days. I've been none to say "Stop. Are you listening to yourself? If I were saying the things you are, how would you interpret that? More importantly, because of the past, can't you please put in perspective on how this will help or damage our relationship?" I'm not accusatory - however, make no mistake, he is well aware that he knows that he brought this on him and on us. In the past when I would have to actually say "trigger" he would take that as "we need to stop talking about it and steer the conversation else where". He now knows that dismissing the "trigger" is worse than talking about it - cuz if we don't talk, it doesn't get resolved. Not to say that he or more importantly, I get immediate results, as long as both of us are willing to discuss, it's something that eventually will be at peace. Please feel free to PM anytime - I'm here to help where I can, add things that worked for me & things that haven't – help calm your fears or rally right by your side. Or directly respond here - although each of our situations were different, we are here banded together by the betrayal of our spouses.