Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I need some insight here, folks.
I had a bad start this morning and was feeling down. H has a tendency to respond blandly, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm the cause." I made mention of this in one of our counseling sessions that when I feel like crap, he needs to comfort me by holding me. The therapist even had him put his arm around me as I teared up explaining this.
So when he told me the same bland response this morning, I started losing it. He got irritated and said he needed boundaries because I was doing the same emotional railroading I've been doing for the past 5-7 years to make him feel like crap. I really lost it, "What about MY boundaries??? You didn't respect those!" Then the real crying started. I told him he couldn't respond like he was sitting across the table from a friend who was having relationship issues, that I wanted to be held and comforted. He said he didn't feel like doing any of that when I was attacking him. My attack, by the way was telling him how I wondered if I was going to make it, that I was never going to trust anyone again, that I felt ruined. I didn't call him an a-hole or tell him he could jump off a bridge. Really, what did he expect? After some more back and forth of me telling him I NEED TO BE REASSURED WITH LOVING WORDS AND COMFORTED BY BEING HELD, he finally said, "Well, get up and walk over to me. You have to meet me half way." I was so desperate for his touch that I actually got up to be hugged but it took all of my will. Think of telling someone who just got hit by a Mack truck to get up and walk over to the ambulance.
Later in the morning, he texted me a sweet message thanking me for expressing my feelings and needs and giving him the opportunity to comfort me. That was like gold. I texted him my appreciation because I wanted him to know that this is what I needed the most.
I've seen emotively-challenged guys, but I didn't think he was that bad. Is he still in denial? Is his self-esteem so lousy that he can't believe I want to be with him? Is he with me because he feels obligated? Do I need a 2x4? Any strategies and insights anyone can share with me?
I had a bad start this morning and was feeling down. H has a tendency to respond blandly, "I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm the cause." I made mention of this in one of our counseling sessions that when I feel like crap, he needs to comfort me by holding me. The therapist even had him put his arm around me as I teared up explaining this.
So when he told me the same bland response this morning, I started losing it. He got irritated and said he needed boundaries because I was doing the same emotional railroading I've been doing for the past 5-7 years to make him feel like crap. I really lost it, "What about MY boundaries??? You didn't respect those!" Then the real crying started. I told him he couldn't respond like he was sitting across the table from a friend who was having relationship issues, that I wanted to be held and comforted. He said he didn't feel like doing any of that when I was attacking him. My attack, by the way was telling him how I wondered if I was going to make it, that I was never going to trust anyone again, that I felt ruined. I didn't call him an a-hole or tell him he could jump off a bridge. Really, what did he expect? After some more back and forth of me telling him I NEED TO BE REASSURED WITH LOVING WORDS AND COMFORTED BY BEING HELD, he finally said, "Well, get up and walk over to me. You have to meet me half way." I was so desperate for his touch that I actually got up to be hugged but it took all of my will. Think of telling someone who just got hit by a Mack truck to get up and walk over to the ambulance.
Later in the morning, he texted me a sweet message thanking me for expressing my feelings and needs and giving him the opportunity to comfort me. That was like gold. I texted him my appreciation because I wanted him to know that this is what I needed the most.
I've seen emotively-challenged guys, but I didn't think he was that bad. Is he still in denial? Is his self-esteem so lousy that he can't believe I want to be with him? Is he with me because he feels obligated? Do I need a 2x4? Any strategies and insights anyone can share with me?
Overall he sounds like he has a lot of trouble feeling vulnerable. Yes, he needs to be reassuring you. Yes, he needs to be holding and comforting you in the way that makes YOU feel better. But that also puts him a super vulnerable spot as that makes him have to give up his anger towards himself and let in your anger and hurt. That's a really hard thing to do as a CS when you are beating yourself up all the time already.
As the CS in my relationship, I've just been throwing myself out there, but that wasn't the case at first. It was hard and scary and painful. And it still is, i just know that my W needs it and won't turn away when she needs it. and that we can be vulnerable together and it'll be ok. but that took some time and it will take time for your H if he always has issues with showing emotions anyway.
He just keeps pointing out that it's all about my needs and that he has had to jump over all these hoops for years, that this is yet another example of that. Ugh, just typing that makes me depressed.