I wanted the truth because sometimes the imagined was worse than reality. I also wanted the truth because he has lied for so long I wasn't sure he would ever tell me and if he couldn't be truthful then there would be no relationship in the future. How I dealt with it wasn't always pretty. The best way to get him to tell the truth was to make sure I didn't get too emotional or angry. I listened quietly and thanked him for being honest. Then I would sometimes go off and have a good cry later, I would journal, I would talk to a good friend and vent with her, but sometimes I just let him have it and scream at him. Looking back it was the times where he revealed some minor lies he told at the beginning or the trickle truth coming out that I usually lost it.

I echo what anguished said. I needed my H to answer my questions, sometimes several times, because I needed to know that he has stopped the lying. The times when I lost my temper was (and still is) everytime I get an "I can't remember" answer or when he tells me something that flat out makes no sense to me. I even asked these questions in therapy thinking it was a "safe place" for him to tell me the truth and he gave me the same answers. So, like I've said a million times, he's either really telling me the truth or he's committed to lying. As my therapist (and my H has said) at this point I must have faith and trust that he's telling me the truth. It's a risk, but that is what love is all about. I guess I can't argue with that. Even though some of his answers hurt me so badly, I needed to hear it because in order for me to process something, I must understand it. The truth of what, where, when, why and how helps me to understand. Plus, I simply do not want my H and the love of my life to share any secrets with another woman, especially one as horrible as that b_tch! I want to take back the part of him she stole from me and from my children, at least figuratively. I hope that made sense. Bottom line, it isn't easy, but it is essential. Hugs.

I'm going to echo both women above but I have to say the "I don't remember" really gets my goad (or is it goat? Check that one out when you have nothing better to do) too. I have all the chats between them but none of the 280 text messages nor do I know the content of private conversations (like their little lunch date).

I did get a lot of questions answered and yes there are some I now wish I had never asked. But not many.

I'd rather know everything so I know what I'm dealing with. H minimized everything, so I went into full Nancy Drew mode and ended up figuring it all out on my own. Once there's hard facts (copies of e-mails, cell phone records, etc.) then there was no point in denying it. I also had an attorney who was ready to pull the trigger on a separation agreement if it got to that point - so there was nothing for him to lose by telling me the truth at that point. And yes - what i imagined in my mind was WAY worse than what actually happened.

I can see why in his mind it wasn't a huge event - because it didn't mean much to him in the big scheme of things. It was like having a video game that responded. I've come to realize that the EA meant more to me and the OW than it ever did to him. How sad is that?

"It was like having a video game that responded. I've come to realize that the EA meant more to me and the OW than it ever did to him. How sad is that?"

Yep mine too. Since it was through text and chat (well 95% of it) then it wasn't real and not really hurting anyone. Oh that was one of my FAVORITE lines from Dday. He still breaks it out if I ask him what the hell he was thinking!

Thanks ladies!!! i do want answers, I want to know everything. Their were emails but I don't think he would ever let me see them or tell what was on them. According to him most of their conversations were about work cause that is one of the only things they gad in common which makes me feel better, we still have more history, I think I still know him better than she ever did. lisalisa I also went to into detective mode but as much as I have look, and trust me I did!!!! I found calls, text messages (not the content just hundreds of texts), emails (no content either) and Skype. He said he has been attracted to her for a long time but it was just recent that they "talked" about it. He got careless and that's when he got "caught'. Phone calls, text messages, communication just doubled, emails started and I caught that at the beginning. I know there is more and he said he would tell me more eventually. I don't want to explode cause that's when he shuts down and don't want to tell me anything. I'm trying to stay calm. I think it helps that he is gone overseas (military) and he is expressing his feelings through email, he expresses himself better in writing than he does in person, he just don't know what to say.
I do wonder WTF was he thinking?????!!!!!!!!

player - we all wonder WTF were they thinking! For my H, I believe that it came down to the fact that he was getting older (55) and felt he was losing his attractiveness. And, I believe HE is the one that pursued it in hopes that he could snag a younger whore. And he did. It just happened to be his co-worker. I too wanted to know all the details. And they came out little by little. I did some detective work, but in the beginning I told him I planned on doing it and that it would be so much better for the two of us if he just came clean and answered anything that I had to ask. It's that "Joseph's letter" that tells us BS's that we have a right to know. And often, as disclosed here, we imagine it to be much worse than it actually is.

Sending you hugs, prayers & support
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