Absolutely! I was able to renegotiate some sticking points in our marriage and H was finally ready to listen to what I was saying and make the changes. Before it seemed more about him and his happiness, but once he knew he could lose everything it balanced the playing field more.

I don't know if I call it power but it defiantly gave me a "do-over" on some stuff. What I mean is there were parts of my H's personality that I kind of "accepted" when I married him. His conflict avoidance and irresponsibility and his perpetual childishness. I knew he had these traits but married him anyways and I think that he felt like that meant I just agreed this is how he is but now no more. These traits helped lead to his behaviors that led to the A. So I accept them no more. I get a "do-over"

State wrote it for me as well. That´s exactly how it is for me.

State, I think that's more of what I meant. My husband has those traits as well. As it been determined that certain traits can make a person more susceptable to an affair? It was easier for my husband to let the affair to continue and die out than to just end it. He has said that he wanted to avoid problems and that the OW and himself didn't discuss affair (I can't imagine that to be true but MC said that t could because dscussing would have brought it out into the open). It just ended Does that sound about right? I think it's hard for the BS to think the way the CS thinks and really understand how the affair isn't about the BS and that they could carry on without thinking about their spouse and family. I'm still at the point where I think that's impossible but then again how could they do it if they were thinking about us and their kids.......

I wouldn't classify it as "power." I try hard as I can NOT to use it as a "power." However---I do ask questions that I once was scared to ask. I speak up now when I'm uncomfortable (most of the time.) The biggest change for me is the question thing. I remember during the A wanting to ask questions (for a while I did, but his wrath was so intense--I quit.) Now, whenever I feel hesistant or silly or crazy about a question I may have, I think back to that time, and reach within to find the courage to ask him whatever it is I need to ask.

If this is power---no f**cking thankx.

I think I get what you're saying though---I stick up for myself more now. Back then he was quick to call me crazy--- when in fact I was right on the money the whole flipping time. So, when necessary (which sometimes is hard to determine--somedays anyway) I speak up and ask the questions that I want answers to-

I don't think of it as power as much as me not letting things that bother me fall by the wayside. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and if I feel strongly I no longer back down to avoid confrontation. We both share a very equal power at this point and that's how a healthy marriage/relationship should be. I do not use his affair as a tool for control or power. That would be not only wrong, but counterproductive.

I would not use the word "power" - for me I use the word "equilibrium." I think for years my H had used past experiences as an excuse for being emotionally distant with me. After the A, I told him that if we were going to stay together, then his behaviors of the past (and some of my own) would no longer be acceptable to me going forward. I guess you could say that his complete change in demeanor and his efforts to build a better emotional connection (and his continuation - not just for show) have the been the best proof of his sincerity and the best medicine for our healing.

I do know that there is some balance inequities due to the fact that he feels like he screwed up and I have to remind him this is something I am not trying to hold over his head. I want us to rebuild and be partners - I don't want to be his tormentor by constantly reminding him of this mistake. As time goes on for us I hope it will put us on equal footing because for years I was the one who was the only one pushing for the intimacy and now we are both making effort to put us there.

I'm not sure I hold the power, but I feel more powerful! I learnt to stand up for myself, say what's on my mind, and not back down like I use to. My husband once referred to me as "a puppy that people would kick to the curb". He was my protector, then turned around and took the boots to me as well. Now I'm a little smarter, a lot wiser and way more outspoken. My life WAS about my husband and family and what made them happy. Now it's about what makes US happy. I put myself on a shelf a long time ago. Now I'm dusting her off and letting her have a voice.

I really think we all married the same man, I really do.