For me it has been only a year and a half since I found out. I want things to be the way they were. Before the affair my life seemed perfect. I was not distant and to be honest can not think of anything I could have done differently that would have made the light of my heart more faithful to me. He cheated with a younger woman while deployed. I was very supportive always and encouraging, and proud of him and he knew it. He told me there were rumors going around his ship that he was cheating with her and he was very angry to hear them. I asked him to stop associating with the girl since the rumors made me uncomfortable. He told me he was doing nothing wrong and didn't feel like he should have to change his behavior. I actually felt bad. He had given me no reason up to then to doubt him so I agreed with him and put it behind me. A few weeks/months later the affair actually started. I ignored it even though I realized he talked to me differently when he called and called less often. When he came home he was very different and for some reason broke off all contact with this friend that he felt he had no need to stop talking to months earlier. She kept calling which got me more suspicious. He actually told me on my birthday because he couldn't lie anymore. I went numb. I had always told him I would leave in a heartbeat if he cheated. I couldn't make myself angry or heartbroken. I felt nothing. By this time he was off the ship and not even in the same state as the girl anymore. We decided to try to work through it. I love him so much. I never confronted the other woman and now I wish I had. I don't feel like I have had any closure and I don't know how to move on from here. I try every day to put it behind me. I have asked him many times what she gave him that I couldn't or didn't at that time. He swears it had nothing to do with me, that he made a foolish mistake because he didn't have me by his side. I sometimes think he just doesn't want to hurt me again so he lies. He also seems to think that I should be almost over it now and trust him again, since it HAS been almost a year and a half. I don't think we will ever be the same and I can't stop but wondering when he will do it again. I tried therapy when I first found out but I felt extremely uncomfortable talking to a total stranger about it. Then I found out I was pregnant and my emotions went crazy. I really want to put this behind me but I think I am in bad shape. Sometimes I hate her more than I thought it was possible to hate a person,sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I wish he could feel the hurt he put me through. To make matters worst I feel like I am living a lie now. I told my mother but other than that no one in my family or his family knows and he doesn't want me to tell anyone in his family. They see the difference in our relationship but I feel like they may blame me for it, I come off as psychotically jealous at times and they don't realize there is a reason. So yeah, there is my predicament. I haven't really discussed it with anyone before and it kinda feels good to let it out. If you have any suggestions you think would be helpful I would greatly appreciate them.

My dad cheated on my mother 10 years ago and she says she is still working through it, but she also says she feels as though things are almost right again. I can't help but wonder if I will still be dealing with this issue in 10 years, or if I can hold on that long.

There were a few times that I thought my wife was cheating but I denied those. In some ways I think I was afraid to see the truth and in other ways I thought I was just being paranoid. As far as my reaction, it was all over the place. I was deeply hurt, angry, confused, suicidal at times, wishing she'd die...thought I was going insane.

I did confront the OM by calling him on valentines day, just 4 days after I found out. I decided that I would not give him anything emotionally, not even anger. I also had it in my mind that the purpose of the call was to take his power away. I did that, but I did it very calmly to leave him guessing. I think if you're in the right frame of mind, you should contact the OP.

The thing I'm learning about rebuilding trust is that we seem to think we had this amazing amount of of trust in our relationship to begin with. For us, even though we thought that, it wasn't true. So, in our rebuilding process, it's not about getting back to the level of trust we had, it's about surpassing it.

"My Husband wasn't the man I thought I married nor was he the monster I had thought he had become."

my dh literally wasn't the man i thought i married; he lied to me about almost all aspects of his life, saying he was a former navy seal and his father was a NA shaman, his navy discharge was for something understandable when really it was for drugs, he couldn't stand country music, even a fake birthdate.

i've found these out one at a time, usually through his family. it's no wonder he'd been married so many times before. *sigh* i can't believe i'm so stupid.. i guess i need to forgive myself for being so gullible, but i've always been and probably always will be. just don't want to go thru life always being suspicious of people.

he cheated on me with an estranged ex, while our 7yo daughter was 1yo. i found out about the emotional part of the affair a year or two afterward; he just confessed to the physical part 2 mos ago. all his other cheating has been via the internet, netlog & such, with occasional "meeting for coffee at a truckstop" while he's on the road. the internet stuff is all i am personally sure of, but it's been going on for years. i finally got sick of reading his e-mails and confessed to it, knowing that'll put an end to my being able to find anything -- now i'll have to either trust him or not, and i stopped sleeping with him until i do trust him.

while he's home, weekends only because he's a truck driver, he's been spending all his time working on the house. i think that's his way of showing me his commitment to the family? but there have been NO conversations at all; he works himself into the ground, then practically runs up to bed & pulls the covers over his head. i know he's mad at me for ignoring his penis which is so important to him, but as an abuse survivor i now realize i'm allowed to set parameters (a trusting relationship) for sharing my body.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to forgive him.

last night i was advised to pray for those i feel have wronged me, and when i replied that i'm agnostic right now, it was suggested that some people send kind thoughts or wish for the happiness of their "enemies". i don't know if i can be sincere about that, but maybe if i offer the wishes often enough i'll eventually come to believe them.

we both believe it's in the kids' best interest that we stay together, so i guess i've got the next 11 years to forgive or find someplace to live :)

"Did any of you confront the OW or OM and wish you hadn't?"

oh yeah, i did write a letter to the OW (because she was across the country) telling her to stay out of my marriage, and then burned all the stuff she'd sent to him right under my nose. felt MUCH better for it!!! and she stayed away, probably not because of anything i said but that's OK too :)

never once have i wished i hadn't done that. it was closure for me. when i found out about the physical part of it, it didn't bother me for more than a week or so (other than the whole trust/lies thing, which was ongoing anyway) because i'd already burnt that book, so to speak.

having been there, still together after 1 1/2 years. I take issue with you blaming yourself, children, career etc... Did you cheat? lie?

Your H always had a choice, he could have talked, asked for counseling, support, separation, divorce. He had choices. So I do not find you to blame in any way. Your were dealing with life, raising children, a career, we all question ourselves about our H, but then there is an ear infection, a cut, a recital, homework, you name it.

So it was HIS choice to betray you. Not your fault.