Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Nothing specific, just a bunch of tiny triggers that piled up with PMS, lack of sleep, and chronic pain. I went to the chiropractor and huz didn't come in to see him with me. "Have fun," he said, flipping through a magazine in the waiting room.
Before the affair, he always came back with me. The chiropractor has a very spacious treatment area with seating for someone who is accompanying the patient. During the affair, he stopped coming back with me. In fact, just a few weeks before DDAY, I asked him about it. He seemed sort of taken back and decided to come back with me during treatment. The next time we went, about a week later, I felt like everything was "better"... we were laughing and teasing and I literally was giggling. The receptionist was chuckling behind her desk and said, "I love your giggle. I hope you don't ever lose it."
Foreshadowing, much? Not more than 3 weeks after that, I was in the waiting room sobbing. Between the emotional pain and the physical pain, I couldn't hold myself together, anymore. Both the receptionist and the billing agent came out from behind their area and came to hug me and I just... broke.
Anyway... yeah. Huz started joining me after that, even after DDAY, because he realized how important it was for me. I know it's no big deal, but I just like having a second set of ears (or someone else to advocate for me if I'm not seeing something or not comfortable saying something) anytime I see any health practitioner. So to have him blow me off today was pretty devastating.
OK - so I REALIZE I should have said, "It would mean a lot to me if you'd come back with me." And I feel confident he would have. But. I was already so fragile and I just didn't.
By the time the chiropractor greeting me, I could feel the sobs starting to close my throat and when I tried to explain to him what was wrong... It just broke bad. All of it. I didn't stop crying the whole time. He did fix me up and offer up long term suggestions health-wise (duh... his job? heheh) but I felt bad for breaking on him which just made me cry more.
I hate being so broken. I hate being so fragile.
Does it ever get better?
Before the affair, he always came back with me. The chiropractor has a very spacious treatment area with seating for someone who is accompanying the patient. During the affair, he stopped coming back with me. In fact, just a few weeks before DDAY, I asked him about it. He seemed sort of taken back and decided to come back with me during treatment. The next time we went, about a week later, I felt like everything was "better"... we were laughing and teasing and I literally was giggling. The receptionist was chuckling behind her desk and said, "I love your giggle. I hope you don't ever lose it."
Foreshadowing, much? Not more than 3 weeks after that, I was in the waiting room sobbing. Between the emotional pain and the physical pain, I couldn't hold myself together, anymore. Both the receptionist and the billing agent came out from behind their area and came to hug me and I just... broke.
Anyway... yeah. Huz started joining me after that, even after DDAY, because he realized how important it was for me. I know it's no big deal, but I just like having a second set of ears (or someone else to advocate for me if I'm not seeing something or not comfortable saying something) anytime I see any health practitioner. So to have him blow me off today was pretty devastating.
OK - so I REALIZE I should have said, "It would mean a lot to me if you'd come back with me." And I feel confident he would have. But. I was already so fragile and I just didn't.
By the time the chiropractor greeting me, I could feel the sobs starting to close my throat and when I tried to explain to him what was wrong... It just broke bad. All of it. I didn't stop crying the whole time. He did fix me up and offer up long term suggestions health-wise (duh... his job? heheh) but I felt bad for breaking on him which just made me cry more.
I hate being so broken. I hate being so fragile.
Does it ever get better?
I mourn for what 'could' have been. we can make our lives what we want, when it comes to relationships. He just didn't want it enough. He didn't value our innocence, our cleanliness, what i wanted, enough. It wasn't important to him. When someone doesn't share your values and how you want to live your lives, then it appears to be easy for them to cheat. ( I know everyone's cheating story is different, so I can only give you my perspective.)
I still mourn for what could have been. I know many of you will say to stop living in the past and look at what he is doing now. Yes, I do, or I wouldn't still be here. However, I know that I will never feel the same way about him, and because of that, something will always be missing. That's just who I am. I wanted someone to be a friend to me, the way i was to him. That meant NO ONE....NO ONE could ever make me turn away from the person I loved. Men had approached me. I never felt a need to screw any of them. i respected my relationship too much. Sex and flattery from another person didn't mean more than the man I gave my life and my heart and my respect to. My H didn't feel that way. If he found someone who smiled at him and fed his ego, she had a chance with him. That's how EASY it was for him to cheat..and men REALLY give it his ALL. He was someone who didn't deserve the love and respect that I gave to him. Sometimes I am ashamed that I loved him and believed him as I did. ( Me, ashamed, when it should have been him.) I feel ashamed that I trusted and believed that two people could have a life of not cheating and lying. Readers of this post, I HONESTLY BELIEVED THAT WE WERE THOSE TWO PEOPLE!) That is why I like you, the poster, broke down after i found out. I literally almost had a mental break. That is why I know that i can never go back to who i was. I physically and mentally can never go there again with him. I can never believe in him the same way - for MY sanity. I can't put myself in that position again. I can't lose myself again. I love ME too much now. I used to love him more than I loved myself. I don't anymore. Its like giving a child a box of crayons and a Picasso. Think he will write all over that treasure? Of course he will. he doesn't understand its value. My H didn't understand my value and the value that I placed on honesty and fidelity, so he abused it. As I told him, most men take care of their cars better than they take care of their wives/girlfriends!
Its better now. But it will never be totally right. You will be better. You will grow stronger - mentally and physically. However, your recovery depends on your sense of self-preservation. Some women will take years and years of pain and abuse and still continue to love their abuser - to their own destruction. I toughened up. I realized who this man really was as opposed to who I thought he was. I realized what he was capable of and where I thought I had his heart, I didnt have the relationship I thought i did.
I still mourn for us...for me. I mourn for the person ( the innocent person) I used to be and I miss her every day. But in order to be THAT person, I would have to be with a man who respected and loved that kind of person...and who valued fidelity and doesn't spit on your values.
I wish you the best. I pray for peace of mind and for love for all of you.
Take care.
I would say that it definitely gets better with time, but the CS has to be sensitive to doing little things to help us feel supported and comforted during the process. Sounds like you needed a good cry yesterday and who knows - maybe that was more therapeutic than the snap-crackle-pop from your chiropractor. : )
Totally normal to still feel fragile - it takes awhile to get past that and feel stronger.
There will be ups and downs forever I am afraid. But the overall basic line is going to be much higher....... So the downs will be less low. And hopefully with time the frequency will be much lower. For your, mine and everybody else's sake.
Hugs.