Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
My husband started IC a little over a month ago. It was... sort of odd. Sort of out of the blue. And honestly, it set off a whole slew of alarm bells in me because it was SO out of character. The first time I asked him to go to counseling with me (pre affair) he told me that there was NO way he'd ever go to counseling. He told me that I was the one with the problem and that he was just fine. It about killed me.
Just days after DDAY, he frantically called counselors to get us into MC. His mind suddenly changed, I guess? Mostly, I think he was desperate to do anything to try to appease me. The counselor at that time suggested IC to him, since, he seemed depressed. (That seems to be a common thing - does every CS suffer from depression? Is that a cause or effect?) Again, he refused. He told me privately, "I can go with you, but I don't want to just stare at some stranger and feel weird for an hour every week."
So... it was a shock to me when out of the blue he said, "I think I am going to go to counseling. I have been looking into counselors through my work program." Okee. I asked him why. I mean, he seemed fine to me. Tired, maybe? But fine? I mean, who am I to say, I don't live in his head. He just said, "I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed." That sort of seems like something you'd know or not know? It was just too vague and he didn't want to extrapolate on his answer. I left it while he continued to find a counselor, but then once he did, I asked him point blank, "Is it us? Are we ok?" He assured me we were fine, that it had nothing to do with us or me, and that he just couldn't shake this "down" feeling. Fair enough.
One of the things I suggested to him (since I was going through it myself) was to go see a doc and get his Serotonin and vitamin levels checked, since those can effect mood and "down" feelings and just a sort of sluggishness in general. He refused, which seemed odd. A quick blood test seemed a LOT easier than hunting down a counselor, especially given his prior aversion to them. Still, it's his life, his health, his body - and ultimately - his decision to make, so I just let it go.
For a couple of weeks I didn't say anything other than gentle "wellness checks" after he'd go to counseling. "Was it ok? Did you like her?" "Yeah. I guess. I dunno. It was fine." It was a bit like asking a child how their day at school was. Vague, at best. It didn't help MY piece of mind that the counselor he sees runs her practice out of her home. Alarm bells, anyone? He's meeting with a woman once a week in her home? But - I let it go. I know guys are sensitive about mental health issues and I didn't want him to stop seeking treatment. I want him to be OK.
But. More alarm bells. The house where this counselor runs her practice is out of our cell service. So. Yeah. I can't track him. When I check his location, it comes up unavailable. Also: he will schedule an appointment at 10am but leave here at 9, even though the place is only 20-ish minutes away. And he won't come home until 11ish. (Or he will go straight to work, like today, even though his shift doesn't start til noon.) All this could be explained, honestly. He gets coffee on his way to the counselor. It's closer to his work than home, so it's hardly worth it to drive home for an hour then drive back to work, so he might as well go early and get paperwork done. It's not his fault there's no service in that area and thus GPS doesn't work.
I know a LOT of this is me being burned in the past and scared to trust now. But how many times did I make excuses before? Oh, he's going in early to work because... oh, he's staying late because. Oh, he's dropping paperwork off to her because... It feels the same, even if it isn't.
In all this? The reason I get so upset and hurt isn't even because I truly think he's having an affair or doing something wrong, but the last two weeks I didn't just "let it go" and I wasn't just "gently wellness checking" - I flat out asked how it was going and if he was making progress. After five sessions, I figured he'd have some inkling of how things were going or whether or not he felt like he was getting what he needed to any extent. I got the blow off.
Seriously.
It hurts SO much to be shut out. I wish this was something he'd be willing to talk to me about, even a little.
I don't expect to be a part of his individual counseling, per se. He didn't come to mine (though he would have been welcome.) A lot of what I dealt with in IC was how to ask for what I need, how to establish healthy boundaries, and how to say "no"/protect myself. I don't know that having him there would have been productive and I wasn't always able to talk to him about every detail because I was still learning how to do all those things appropriately. "Oh, hey, yeah, today we talked in counseling about how you've made me into a human doormat" doesn't exactly fly well, right? So him coming home and saying, "You're hyper critical and I'm trying to find ways to tell you so," or "I really wanted to talk to her about the OW and the reasons I liked her," I mean, that'd just not sit well with me. But...
Couldn't he just say, in a very general sense, "She seems professional. We haven't developed a good rapport, but I do feel more comfortable talking to her as time goes by. It's been hard talking about some things, but good talking about others." I dunno. SOMETHING. Instead, I get, "I don't know." And when I persist, "I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT."
It kills me. I don't know how much of my sensitivity to this is just me and my own hyper sensitivity or how justified I am in my hurt.
Just days after DDAY, he frantically called counselors to get us into MC. His mind suddenly changed, I guess? Mostly, I think he was desperate to do anything to try to appease me. The counselor at that time suggested IC to him, since, he seemed depressed. (That seems to be a common thing - does every CS suffer from depression? Is that a cause or effect?) Again, he refused. He told me privately, "I can go with you, but I don't want to just stare at some stranger and feel weird for an hour every week."
So... it was a shock to me when out of the blue he said, "I think I am going to go to counseling. I have been looking into counselors through my work program." Okee. I asked him why. I mean, he seemed fine to me. Tired, maybe? But fine? I mean, who am I to say, I don't live in his head. He just said, "I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed." That sort of seems like something you'd know or not know? It was just too vague and he didn't want to extrapolate on his answer. I left it while he continued to find a counselor, but then once he did, I asked him point blank, "Is it us? Are we ok?" He assured me we were fine, that it had nothing to do with us or me, and that he just couldn't shake this "down" feeling. Fair enough.
One of the things I suggested to him (since I was going through it myself) was to go see a doc and get his Serotonin and vitamin levels checked, since those can effect mood and "down" feelings and just a sort of sluggishness in general. He refused, which seemed odd. A quick blood test seemed a LOT easier than hunting down a counselor, especially given his prior aversion to them. Still, it's his life, his health, his body - and ultimately - his decision to make, so I just let it go.
For a couple of weeks I didn't say anything other than gentle "wellness checks" after he'd go to counseling. "Was it ok? Did you like her?" "Yeah. I guess. I dunno. It was fine." It was a bit like asking a child how their day at school was. Vague, at best. It didn't help MY piece of mind that the counselor he sees runs her practice out of her home. Alarm bells, anyone? He's meeting with a woman once a week in her home? But - I let it go. I know guys are sensitive about mental health issues and I didn't want him to stop seeking treatment. I want him to be OK.
But. More alarm bells. The house where this counselor runs her practice is out of our cell service. So. Yeah. I can't track him. When I check his location, it comes up unavailable. Also: he will schedule an appointment at 10am but leave here at 9, even though the place is only 20-ish minutes away. And he won't come home until 11ish. (Or he will go straight to work, like today, even though his shift doesn't start til noon.) All this could be explained, honestly. He gets coffee on his way to the counselor. It's closer to his work than home, so it's hardly worth it to drive home for an hour then drive back to work, so he might as well go early and get paperwork done. It's not his fault there's no service in that area and thus GPS doesn't work.
I know a LOT of this is me being burned in the past and scared to trust now. But how many times did I make excuses before? Oh, he's going in early to work because... oh, he's staying late because. Oh, he's dropping paperwork off to her because... It feels the same, even if it isn't.
In all this? The reason I get so upset and hurt isn't even because I truly think he's having an affair or doing something wrong, but the last two weeks I didn't just "let it go" and I wasn't just "gently wellness checking" - I flat out asked how it was going and if he was making progress. After five sessions, I figured he'd have some inkling of how things were going or whether or not he felt like he was getting what he needed to any extent. I got the blow off.
Seriously.
It hurts SO much to be shut out. I wish this was something he'd be willing to talk to me about, even a little.
I don't expect to be a part of his individual counseling, per se. He didn't come to mine (though he would have been welcome.) A lot of what I dealt with in IC was how to ask for what I need, how to establish healthy boundaries, and how to say "no"/protect myself. I don't know that having him there would have been productive and I wasn't always able to talk to him about every detail because I was still learning how to do all those things appropriately. "Oh, hey, yeah, today we talked in counseling about how you've made me into a human doormat" doesn't exactly fly well, right? So him coming home and saying, "You're hyper critical and I'm trying to find ways to tell you so," or "I really wanted to talk to her about the OW and the reasons I liked her," I mean, that'd just not sit well with me. But...
Couldn't he just say, in a very general sense, "She seems professional. We haven't developed a good rapport, but I do feel more comfortable talking to her as time goes by. It's been hard talking about some things, but good talking about others." I dunno. SOMETHING. Instead, I get, "I don't know." And when I persist, "I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT."
It kills me. I don't know how much of my sensitivity to this is just me and my own hyper sensitivity or how justified I am in my hurt.
I know for me, I tend to take on hurt and not express my feelings well if I have been triggered or hurt. I have always been a wonderful disassociator (if there is such a word). I can disassociate into la la land in a heartbeat. I can also turn a nice gesture into doing what it takes to appease me so he can go do something bad again....with absolutely no justification for thinking he is.
I think we will all forever be hypersensitive. Our spouses need to get used to it and find a way to show their transparency all the time.
Over Christmas, my H bought me a fly rod (I always wanted to fly fish). He snuck it into the garage to wrap it. When I realized he was "gone too long", I freaked out and went looking for him. He heard me coming and came to the door and I said What are you doing in here??? Why are you in the garage so long??? It was definitely trigger city. That part went over his head and he felt I was jumping on him for no reason. I had to say, hey you hid in a room and texted your cow in front of me, so hiding is not a good thing, even if you are wrapping a gift. Be honest....say...it is Christmas and I need 10 minutes in the garage to wrap your gift. Men can be SO blind!
It might be more productive to communicate to him how this is making you feel. "Honey, I'm glad you are seeking outside help with your issues, but the circumstances of the counselor you've chosen is triggering feels of fear because of how similar it is to an affair situation." Then list out those situations as you did here. "What can you do to help me calm those fears?" One suggestion might be to find another counselor who has an office and is a man. The combination of meeting a woman in her house is a bit too close to an affair situation. It is triggering fears.
Hopefully he'll understand that and work to help you feel more comfortable with who and where he is going to get help.
It doesn't seem like a bad idea to broach the idea of MC again at this juncture. He couldn't very well use the excuse of, "I don't feel comfortable seeing a counselor," when he's seeing one privately. And yes, Cole, I think you're right, "I feel ___ when you ____," is my go to phrase that I need to throw down right about now. You're absolutely right that I need to stop dancing and just lay it out there. If he knows that his actions are leaving me feeling insecure and uncomfortable then maybe he'd be more willing to talk about the counseling more openly or at least express why he's NOT comfortable sharing.
And yes. I think I may ask if he's willing to find a male counselor. I feel stupid for not thinking of that sooner. I don't even know if he'll continue with counseling and while I know how hard it is to find one that is a good match, it's better to bring this out now before he really does establish a long term relationship with this counselor.
Ugh. I hate being broken.
I know you have had lots going on within your family in the past couple of years. Maybe its all just jammed up inside of him and he's putting on his big boy pants and taking careof himself. Or maybe there's more.
Either way, there's nothing wrong with expressing your concerns not just for what sparked this counseling stuff but the fact that he's being somewhat closed of about it.
That would be a huge trigger for me too. And the "I don't know. There is nothing to talk about" answer is a killer for sure.
I would not like the secrecy surrounding it. I would not like that the therapist is female. I would not like so many things that I don't even want to list them here.
Whatever is going on with him it is not an acceptable behavior post-infidelity. Open book holds for the rest of our lives (and what the heck - afterlife too!) as far as I am concerned.
If you are not justified then you have company. Good company, if I say so myself ;-).
Do you know who the therapist is? Can you google her?
Very good advice above how to approach it in the previous posts.
I sent huz a text of an image of a cartoon elephant. (Ha... thanks, Pink.) Said : we need to talk and it may be a touchy convo...
In summary? Yes... he felt like he had to "put on his big boy pants" and make himself better, but on the same token didn't feel like the counselor was helping, so he felt resentful (at the situation, not at her, or me or even himself) and angry and didn't know what to do next. He didn't want to talk about it because he didn't like admitting feeling ineffectual and worthless and didn't want to somehow put it on me.
He already cancelled his appointment with the counselor and doesn't plan on making any more - but that doesn't solve what's going on with him. I asked him to brain storm with me and maybe just white board some options - exercise, seeing a doctor, taking some time for himself, etc... he said he would, but we haven't yet other than briefly in that discussion. I didn't want to push too far and have him pull away.
He apologized - though I don't know that there was anything to apologize for, per se, and said he wanted to include me and wanted me to be a part of his life, but I still feel like this is unresolved. At least we spoke about it and he painted a clearer picture of what's going on for him.
Something else to consider is getting his general doctor to prescribe something as a temporary measure. My H was a real pill for part of last year and I gently encouraged him to consider an anti-anxiety medication just to get him through to retirement. When he went for the appointment his dr. asked "do you feel depressed or is it more grouchiness?" Grouchiness - so he's on Wellbutrin now and its done a world of good. No negative side effects and he's generally happier with more energy. Apparently its a pretty common scenario.