Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Hi I join this group to get some support but honestly I have been honest with myself and reaching out. I pretend things are ok when they are not. I feel tired. I pray I hope I try but don't seem to be working. My H is going through an emotional roller coaster. Now H is who left after 4 yrs we now trying to put the pieces back but this is hard. We read books we went to conference but still something lacking. It is so.much don't knowant where to start. Our communication let's say it is not. He returned but want so much from me. I feel like why are you here why didn't get ur self in order before coming back. I feel like if I don't get things right he will just leave again. Just a bit confused. I know God brought us back together but don't why it have to be so hard.we are now drifting apart instead of getting close I can feel it and I don't know what to do
Before I could comment on your concerns, I'd need to know more of your story. Which of you cheated or is suspected of cheating? What steps have been taken so far--counseling, books read, discussions held, actions taken, etc.? How long since discovery day by the BS (betrayed spouse) happened? Has transparency been established? Does the BS have the whole story? Other relevant details.
If you've already shared this info before, sorry. I don't remember or know where to find it. Without it, I'd feel like I was shooting into the dark on my thoughts, which wouldn't help you much.
That said, I believe there can be hope, but as Cole mentioned, it's not about how much or how hard you work, it's about whether or not you're doing the "right" things. And even then? Sometimes too much is still too much. There's no failure in declaring a dead horse dead.
I wish I knew more about the situation and could offer just the right words that would make everything better, but unfortunately, there's no magic wand or perfect phrase. Every person is different, and every couple is different. Every situation where infidelity is involved is different. The similarities of pain and devastation are a common thread, but how each couple and person deals with that pain is completely subjective.
Ask yourself some questions:
1) Do you want to be married? (at all... to anyone... just in general... because a LOT of people would answer "no" to this, regardless of who cheated on whom and it will make a huge difference in whether or not to bother fighting for THIS marriage)
2) Does your husband want to be married? (In general... again, is there an outright aversion to commitment, or is this something that he is willing to work toward.)
Ultimately, if you BOTH want to be married, then there's absolutely motivation for you both to STAY married, because, duh, you're already in it to your necks, so why not make it work where you are instead of flailing about trying to find it elsewhere, eh?
2) Do you feel as if you can *be* a partner that will meet your spouses needs? Sometimes, the answer is straight up no. If my husband, for example, asked me to be a tall, skinny blonde, I'd be out of luck. I can't be any of those things, nor do I want to be. However, if he said he wanted me to be more organized, that's a skill I could and would work on.
3) Do you feel your partner can meet /your/ needs? I don't mean *does* he, I mean, *can* he? Is it at all something that he can work on? Are your needs beyond his means?
4) Do you have any idea of what's lacking? "Something lacking" is sort of vague. I felt EXACTLY the same way prior to my husband's affair. I was so frustrated and sad and spent hours and hours in individual counseling trying to figure out what was wrong with ME because surely it must be MY fault that I couldn't just be happy in my marriage.
I had no idea at the time that the problem was me, in a way, but not because I was just an unhappy person, and not because my husband was just "wrong" for me, but rather because of not being able to identify my needs and then relate them to my husband in a non-demanding, non-manipulative way. It took a lot of soul searching and guidance from Marriage Builders website and books to go, "OHhhh... so THAT's what's missing!" It took marriage counseling and a lot of trial and error to figure out appropriate (or at least more appropriate ways... I'm still learning!) of letting my husband know what I need.
You can't *make* someone meet your needs or be who you need, but you can let them know what it is you want in clear terms. You can't make someone stay within boundaries, but you can establish them and set consequences if those boundaries are crossed. You can't force someone to communicate with you, but you can open the lines of communication and practice communicating together. You can't magically *BE* a perfect partner, either, you need concise language and cues from your partner on what to do to please him/her.
I'm not sure if the issue is just that you two aren't clicking the way you want or if there's still unresolved hurt from the affair, so maybe if you clarify that, you can get more specific advice on which direction to take. If it's unresolved affair stuff, I think going through a step-by-step program to help you heal and making sure you "clean out all the wounds" will help. If it's just that you're standing there thinking, "OK... so... yeah, we're together, but WHY?" then it's time to focus on figuring out what you (both) want your dream marriage to look like and then formulating a plan to start getting it to that point. Easier said than done, but at least it's a jumping point.