Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
As I near my one year mark, I reflect over the past 11 months My husband and I have come a long way from when we both wound up being shattered messes last February. My husband has been pretty much textbook when it came to doing all the right things for reconciliation. We both took ownership in our part that lead to the slow breakdown of our marriage. We have both made MAJOR changes in our treatment of each other. We are NOT the same people we were pre-dday. People have commented on how close we are and how lucky we are to have each other and how they wish they could be like that (now I know where that saying "Be careful what you wish for." came from!)
My problem is that even with everything going great, there are still times I feel sadness. There is even the rare occasion when I think I might could take my boot and still kick it up my husband's ass for doing to us what he did - regardless of the fact that we are a totally different couple now. So my problem is that these feelings bring on guilt. I keep trying to remind myself that things are going great and try to sweep them under the rug as quickly as I can. Do others get this feeling too sometimes?
My problem is that even with everything going great, there are still times I feel sadness. There is even the rare occasion when I think I might could take my boot and still kick it up my husband's ass for doing to us what he did - regardless of the fact that we are a totally different couple now. So my problem is that these feelings bring on guilt. I keep trying to remind myself that things are going great and try to sweep them under the rug as quickly as I can. Do others get this feeling too sometimes?
Yes, there is alot of guilt associated with the feelings when they come up! Usually more when these feelings are shown and can`t be hidden or when you know it`s going to ruin a good day if they be known!
I am nearing yr# 2 things were going pretty good up until about nov. of last year! There was at least a good 2 mo. stretch between haveing "The Feeling" creep back in and knock me down! It`s been rough again since then! However we all have similar and different challenges at the same time!
I`ve been told and have experienced that sweeping them under the rug is usually not good!
It isnt for me! It all builds up to fast, then comes out all at once!!
I believe that we have a right to those feelings! I guess it`s about finding something to do with them!
Wish i had a better answer for you!
I do have a question for you! In your statement you said Your Husband has been pretty much textbook when it comes to doing all the right things for reconciliation. What has he done? Where did it come from? did you have to tell him what to do? Did he come up with these things through his own want and effort?
Sorry! that turned out to be more than one question!!LOL!
Still.....to answer your questions....within the first couple of months of dday I read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It was so eye opening to me because it explained a lot of my feelings and also talked about what the CS was going through. At that time I decided that one of my "conditions" for going forward was that my H had to read at least ONE book on Affairs. I needed him to understand that my feelings and actions were normal and that he needed to understand that this was a long term process. He HATES to read but he did it.
I did have to also tell him things that I needed for healing. In the past I had made him out to be a mind reader and would not always tell him what was on my mind. So here we were on the brink of divorce and I decided from that day forward I would tell him how I felt, what I needed rather than make him guess. As we rolled forward after dday, when something came up that I needed, I told him.
I told him I needed him to be transparent. He did everything possible to do that. I told him that when he traveled that it was a big trigger for me because he used the travel excuse to meet her. He started taking me with him on trips (which is a challenge since I work). I told him that in the past he never did small little things to make me feel special and that getting a card now and then would be nice. We both have probably made Hallmarks stock go up..... so you see....a lot of our success is because I really worked hard to tell him what I needed but I also worked hard to change some of the things that were in my behavior. He said the reason for his affair was that she listened to him. I could totally get what he was talking about because I had gotten into a pattern of talking AT him. Not stopping and listening. I was guilty of letting life take away my attention.
I don't think my husband would have come up with any of this if I had not said....I am taking this crappy situation and I am going to tell him what I need. I don't think he would have come up with this on his own. If I had not told him what I needed, I do not think we would be as far along as we are.
I hope things will improve for you soon.
The one thing that makes me cringe is when I read CS accounts of why they had an A and realize how textbook my behavior was before the EA. Argh!!!! If there's one thing I hate it's being typical and predictable. : (
I feel huge guilt about the way I treated H pre-EA and realize that I helped create a perfect storm. Don't get me wrong, I had my reasons and there were quite a few things he was doing to invoke my anger and resentment, but I used it as an excuse to create distance between us and shut him out.
Once it gets warm and sunny again I'll bet all of our outlooks will improve ...