Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
It has been about 1 1/2 yrs since dday and at times it still feels like it was yesterday. H and I have gone down a long road of counseling and have completely turned our marriage around. We do still have extremely difficult times, but it is nothing like the marriage before the A. H has started opening up more about the affair. These are things I have been dying to hear and find out since it happened, but it is sooooo difficult to hear. I was on my way home from work today and some of the things he told me started popping up in my mind and I just started sobbing.
The OW was someone he worked with. Since the A I am worried about almost every woman he works with. I do have legitimate concerns considering he is in the music industry and most of these girls use looks/flirting/sex towards their advantage. He recently told me that the OW was completely different from all of the other girls he has ever met. They had an instant chemistry that they couldn't run away from. They were drawn to each other immediately. What hurts me SO much about this is the H and I met when we were around 16/17 yrs old (we are now 31). When we met I instantly fell for him. He didn't even remotely see me as anything more than a friend for a year. Until his prom date cancelled on him and he took me last minute..... when he picked me up and I was all dressed up he finally fell for me. It was not all wonderful after that tho. I have always felt like I have had to fight for his attention. Starting to feel like I was fighting too hard.
As part of our discussion I asked him what really kept him from leaving me for the OW. He told me that I never let go. Even when he was kicking me while I was down he saw that I never gave up. If I would have just walked away and given up he would have run in her direction at 100 mph. After hearing this I am just wondering if I have been holding on to a man for the past 13 years that doesn't want to be with me the same way I want to be with him. This thought just guts me. I love him with every cell in my being. I want that same love that I give in return. He has changed SO many things in his life to try and better our marriage, but there are SO many more things that need to be changed. Our marriage had reached such a dysfunctional point I don't know how I expected he wouldn't have an affair. We had just been working so hard for so long that we lost sight of the ultimate goal.
Sorry.... getting off track. I just have so many thoughts racing through my mind. H always says to me he feels like his lifestyle is torturing me and sometime he wonders if he needs to let me go to stop torturing me. This past week I am starting to wonder if I am the one in the relationship that needs to let him go. Stop holding on to him and let him go live the life he wants to live. I can't even believe I am saying that. I can't even comprehend my life without him, I just don't know what to feel or do.
The OW was someone he worked with. Since the A I am worried about almost every woman he works with. I do have legitimate concerns considering he is in the music industry and most of these girls use looks/flirting/sex towards their advantage. He recently told me that the OW was completely different from all of the other girls he has ever met. They had an instant chemistry that they couldn't run away from. They were drawn to each other immediately. What hurts me SO much about this is the H and I met when we were around 16/17 yrs old (we are now 31). When we met I instantly fell for him. He didn't even remotely see me as anything more than a friend for a year. Until his prom date cancelled on him and he took me last minute..... when he picked me up and I was all dressed up he finally fell for me. It was not all wonderful after that tho. I have always felt like I have had to fight for his attention. Starting to feel like I was fighting too hard.
As part of our discussion I asked him what really kept him from leaving me for the OW. He told me that I never let go. Even when he was kicking me while I was down he saw that I never gave up. If I would have just walked away and given up he would have run in her direction at 100 mph. After hearing this I am just wondering if I have been holding on to a man for the past 13 years that doesn't want to be with me the same way I want to be with him. This thought just guts me. I love him with every cell in my being. I want that same love that I give in return. He has changed SO many things in his life to try and better our marriage, but there are SO many more things that need to be changed. Our marriage had reached such a dysfunctional point I don't know how I expected he wouldn't have an affair. We had just been working so hard for so long that we lost sight of the ultimate goal.
Sorry.... getting off track. I just have so many thoughts racing through my mind. H always says to me he feels like his lifestyle is torturing me and sometime he wonders if he needs to let me go to stop torturing me. This past week I am starting to wonder if I am the one in the relationship that needs to let him go. Stop holding on to him and let him go live the life he wants to live. I can't even believe I am saying that. I can't even comprehend my life without him, I just don't know what to feel or do.
My H told me something similar to that. No matter what he did I stuck by him. I used to truly believe that in every relationship there was always one partner who loved the other one more. But once the A happened i realized that I felt that way because I was trying to validate why he was't respecting me in many ways. In a marriage you should love and cherish equally. And now I realize that. So I point blank asked my h "when will you love me the way I love you?" and if you can't please tell me so I can let go. My wounds are still very fresh, Dday was Oct 2, however the one thing I decided immediately was to start respecting myself and the rest would hopefully follow suit.
Family and friends always have told me I loved him too much... i disagree. I loved my H like a W should love an H. it was my H who is not showing me the love i deserve. And now he has a chance to.
My H also works in a job that affairs are sad but true common. he is a police officer. I knew this walking into it and decided it wouldn't happen to me. but it has so now what?
You can't regret staying. You have to just do what you feel is right in your heart. No one can tell you if you made the right choice other than you. but we are all here going through the same storm and here to listen when you feel the pain come rushing back. Sometimes all we need is a nonjudgmental ear
Have you had counseling?
The two of you may need to do a little more work together to move things up a notch. Check out this list that my H and I consider to be required reading. If you two have never read these books it may be a good idea but most especially His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage.
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/602693/journal/4991850
I have seen others get to about this point or even further along, time wise, and go back for more counseling or read more affair recovery or marriage enrichment stuff together because they realize that they are stuck or just have not reached the place they want to be. Sometimes, time alone just doesn't do the trick.
Have you ever considered Retrouvaille? Many here have done this marriage saving weekend and all have had good and sometimes dramatic results. Google it. They move about the country. I have actually heard nothing but positive about it.
Also, check out the articles here:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith
Go to the news section at the top of the page and look at the table of contents. You may find many of them to be very helpful.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3932216