Coming up to the 2 year mark myself. Could say a lot of the same things you've said. Glad it has overall gone well for you. Everyone's situation is different, but yes, there can be hope. Thanks for checking in.

Thanks for sharing your story. And thanks for reminding us that we ALL have choices - and choosing to be OK is one of them.

It's easy to forget that, sometimes.

The 3 year is in June. I'm right there with you. The second year was the worst. But that corner has finally been turned. You are so right. Its all about choices and following through with them.

Thanks for posting this. Just a few months past my first year and it is all still SO hard. I really thought I would be in a better place a year out, but I'm trying to stand strong and stay positive about the future. Thanks for the encouragement. :)

Wow - there are quite a few of us in the 3-year club. That's awesome!

4 years + and I too will never be the same. If any of you look at ABC's "Scandal" on Thursday night, there are two characters who are discussing a couple where the husband just found out (publically) that his wife cheated on him 15 years ago. The male character says he doesn't expect the marriage to last because how can two people who are supposed to be partners survive after the betrayal. Well, HE betrayed the person he was talking to! So, the betrayed partner says" well, you betrayed me!"
The he says how very very sorry he is.
she says: Its fine. People get betrayed. People betray. You deal with it and move on. If its a partnership, you move on. If Its a job, you move on.
He says: I will apologize to you every day if that will make things bettter.
She says: I'm not mad.
He says: But you're different, with me I mean. You're completely different.
She says: I'm still me We're still us. I just now live in a world where you are a gladiator first and a person second ( and she stands up and turns her back) That's OK! I can do that too. I can be a person second, I just didn't know ( hurt sigh and look of betrayal in her eyes)
She says: Before, I just didn't know that is what we were doing with each other, that is all.. We're good.

The character walked away and is about to tear up...his betrayal and hurt her, yet she still had to work with him.

He calls her name as she walks by him. she changes the subject.


That is how I feel. I was betrayed, but i can be that person second also . I TOO didn't know that this lying, cheating life is what we were doing. Now that I know, I'm different too. Like that character, I thought I had a good and honest relationship with my business and life partner, but he betrayed me and broke my heart.

I saw that episode too and I actually cried after that exchange, because I felt her pain. I too am very different from the person I was before D-Day. There are aspects of my life where I am much stronger and secure in myself. But there are other aspects where I am still that woman who was devastated and will never look at people in the same way. Not the way I want to be in life, but this is me, just living in my NEW reality. There are times I truly miss who I was before that day, but I am still growing and it is a process so I am truly hopeful.

Broken...I know you understand. I DVRd the scene and played it over and over. its a shame they have changed us. I was HAPPY with the person i was. I was innocent. I believed in love and honesty and trust. He showed me how ugly life can be. He showed me how someone can look at you and TOTALLY lie and betray. I didn't think it was possible to do that to someone that you say you love. I just didnt know...(much like Abby on 'Scandal"..i didn't know that is who we were with each other. I hate this new reality. Its ugly. Its full of ugly people and, I KNOW I miss who I was. God, I miss her so much. I could look at my H with STARS in my eyes. I was SO much IN LOVE with him. only to find that he didn't deserve any of it.

My H tells me that I need to be with someone i can love and trust again. He knows that he is no longer that person ( by his own choice). He had it ALL and didn't know what he had. I miss being in love and in trust and adoring the man I'm with.

Glad to hear that others have those same feelings of being a different person. We are only 1 year from D day and are still working on trying to repair. But I have those same feelings - I was trusting and thought he would never do this to me. Close to 30 years together. It wasn't a long, heartfelt affair but more one of convenience. We weren't happy and haven't been for several years but I never thought he would do this. Now I wish I could be that innocent, trusting wife again. I wish I could respect and love him. I don't know if it will ever return but sometimes, I just feel that the love, care and concern for each other is dead. I want to be happy and feel loved again. I want to love again.

Broken,
I haven't posted in quite some time but my three year mark will be coming up this fall. I love what you wrote. Our realities have been forever changed. I think for the better. Bittersweet though.
At one point shortly after D day I actually did find myself lying in the fetal position ready to give up when my sister walked in and tod me something I needed very much to hear. She told me to get up off the floor and dust myself off and stop it. Just stop it. She was harsh with me that day but I needed to hear it. I decided she was right and that like you I would not let it define me. I believe we are much stronger after working through it. Thanks again for sharing your story. You must be an incredible woman.
Hugs to you all.

Hi all
I would be at three yr mark- but he fell back into it and was caught again .
They worked together - but no more.
Its been 1.5 years and lots if counseling and it seems ok, good at times even- then when he tries to communicate his physical and emotional needs- in a way that seems like he is critical of how I try -
I into a deep dark hole. Like I'm being compared - which he says no way.
I think he really is trying to help me understand his needs. . But why does it feel so awful?

And
Did most of you stay together?
We are 35 yrs married

We've been together 19 years, married 17 and so far have stayed together.

Not really sure what to say about the comparison part. It bugged me in the beginning right after Dday, but now I have an "F-You" mindset about all that. What's there to compare, really? No normal woman wants to be the one on the side, which means whoever he was with most likely has some major issues and hang-ups going on.

For now, maybe you could focus on yourself. Take a class, get involved in a new hobby (or an old one), do something that sparks your interest and gives you something happy to look forward to. I got a lot happier when I stopped worrying so much about what he was doing and gave myself permission to focus on myself for awhile. You've been through a hellish experience - what can you do for YOU?

lisalisa72, I did the same. He stopped being the center of my world and I started doing things for me...just like HE did. Its a shame I had to do that. i feel like I've been playing a game with someone instead of being the real me. i feel like i'm in a play world. I want to feel some honest 'in love' feelings...deep feelings, rather than this superficial thing that I'm doing now. We have sex. We don't make love and I could actually care less. I haven't felt passion or a need to be with him, in years.

I miss that part of my life. I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't both have affairs now. I don't even know why he is still here...or me either for that fact. I think his GF scared him. She was a nut case..a stalking bunny boiler. If she had been what i think he thought she was, he would probably still be there ( and I would be gone).

We don't even talk about it anymore ( and he LOVES that). I haven't brought the A up in months. I am numb. Although not a day goes by when I don't think about it. Sex is a disaster. She is forever here between us. He brought the trash in and I can't get it out. I guess because I think he is still lying about how many A's he has had. I feel like I wasted my life with him.

I love hearing the feedback from everyone on this board. It makes me feel SO NOT ALONE. In the beginning I felt like no one could understand or even fathom my pain. I wish none of us had to be on this board, but I take comfort in knowing that there are others who get it. YOU ALL GET IT...the good, the bad, the NASTY. It is a truly a journey. And I know that there are bigger issues in life and greater pains than being cheated on and those types of things put life in perspective, but it still doesn't diminish what we feel and what we have gone through and are still going through. I said this a while ago, when I first came on to Daily Strength: This is just one chapter of the book that my life is writing...ONE. There are so many other aspects of my life that are amazing and wonderful and I won't let someone else's actions define my life. I had my pity party for months after D-Day. No more. I still have my days when I feel some sort of pain, but the pain is less and less and more dull than before. I have so many other things in life that I need to focus on for my mental health and spiritual being. Life in general is pretty nice these days...I wish the same for all of my fellow BS's...

HUGS!