I have the same problem. I wanted to be intimate a whole lot when I first found out back in late March. Now I am at the point where I rarely let us be intimate at all because it always makes me cry and it makes me think about the A for a few days afterward. It's a tough situation that I hope we both can get through.

I'm so sorry to read that, mspears! What are you two doing to repair the relationship? If you're in counseling together, what says the therapist? What have you done individually to heal? Anything that worked or didn't work?

I am SO NOT looking forward to getting through the next few months. Do you foresee things improving in the future?

Ahh, I just read one of your posted discussions... it doesn't sound like you've gone the counseling route?

What you're going through is more commonly known as hysterical bonding. It serves the purposes you mentioned above. Many of us have gone through this same experience. It is completely normal. Unfortunately, many of us also suffer from images/thoughts of our partner and the OP during those intimate moments. I definitely think it's something you should bring up during counseling. Maybe your counselor can give you some strategies to get beyond it. Rebuilding intimacy and communication are important during reconciliation. Keep moving forward. Hugs!!!!!!

I've been there too. While we're 2yrs out the crying really doesn't happen during sex anymore, maybe once in a blue moon. Time is what helped and talking. I also think that the more memories of us I had in my head the better. I still have my visions but its easier to push them out. Hang in there.

Maybe you should chill out for awhile? I didn't want anything to do with my W when she told me about her A. After a month or two then we started having sex again but it wasn't on par and I had the same nasty thoughts while trying to make love. Eventually they went away. We're are over a year out from D-day now. Intiamcy is still an issue for us.

I totally know where you are coming from. H can touch me now but I still can't make love to H. We snuggle again at night while we sleep and it feel good. We almost made love about a week ago and when I made the commit dont hurt me he put the brakes on and nothing else happened. H doesn't want to hurt me and he wants me to be incharge of our alone time for now.

Keep your chin up and hang in there...

I know how you feel. I used to cry after intimacy BEFORE I found out about his A. Now I just found out he had another A last year! I've been doing the hysterical bonding thing too and now I have to put the brakes on because of this new revelation. Now there are two OW I'll be thinking about everytime we are intimate. I think you should discuss it in counseling. I know I will.

Def bring it up with the therapist.You owe it to yourself, and to your H.

We are sort of on the same timeline as far as DDay (mine was 7/29/11). H and I have been on the "hysterical bonding" extravaganza since (I can identify with all of your criteria). For us, it's some massive cathartic event that is the result of our repressed feelings, emotions, needs, etc. It's a release of stuff that has been bottled up for years. It's emotionally overwhelming at times, but to us, is necessary (even the tears).

When you are crying during intimacy, is there some way that H can comfort you and help you to refocus on the two of you instead of wandering off into those awful images?

It's strange that with this particular form of trauma, the perp is the primary healer.

We had sex the first night he came home. The one gift I have been given from all of this is I rarely think about the OW during sex. Now, I have my obsessions about her, but during sex it is just US and it is one of the few places I know she has no power. I think this is in part that their relationship was emotionally driven and while they did have sex it was only four times (when she flew and stayed nearby his work for 4 days). So my trigger is emotional issues. If I feel like he shared more with her emotionally then, that is where I get worked up.

It's okay to cry after sex right now. You have been through a lot. If you are seeing a counselor it would be good to bring it up to discuss. But your reaction is normal.... Heleneclare is so right....the perp is the primary healer! Take some time out and talk to your H about it. Hopefully as time lapses this will get better for you. Hugs.

Ohhh, how I envy you, thebeach.

I'm finding that my h is kind of an idiot when it comes to expressing nurturing behavior, unfortunately. We addressed this with the therapist, but I think we need a few more sessions devoted to that topic.

Thanks, all. This really helps.

The same exact thing happened to me. My sex drive immediately went into overdrive, for the same reasons you said. I think I was trying to win him back and claim him as mine. But, as soon as I tried to let him touch me, I lost it. Every touch, I thought, "Did he touch her like this? Is this something she taught him to do?". It took almost a month before I could let him touch me, and even then the majority of them ended in tears. Our sex life was terrible for a little while. But, I can tell you, it does get better. We went to counseling, we talk a lot, and he has made a lot of life changes to try to become a better person and be the kind of person that would never do this again. My D-day was almost 9 months ago, and I can't tell you the last time I cried during/after sex. Don't get me wrong, an occasional thought of the OW still pops in my head during sex, but I don't let it ruin my day. I think to myself, either I can let her win and let her ruin what should be something wonderful, or I can push her out of my mind and think about my husband and the great relationship we are rebuilding together. You're rebuilding. You're trying. It will get better. Give it time and don't give up, and don't let him give up either.

To StillMrs:
I though I was reading my own post when I read yours. Exactly the same feelings, same thoughts. My Dday was 2 months ago and we are working hard every day to repair the damage the affair did to our marriage. And we are rebuilding it *together* every day.

Dingin: "And we are rebuilding it *together* every day." Call me a hopeless optimist, but I really think all of us working at it together will end up ok. We can do it, as long as we both still want it!

@StillMrs: your comment just made my day! Thx.