Thats a really hard question, do you confront him! It can damage the healing that has been done! Been there do that! Its really hard to say what to do, I myself brought up the receipt as proof and we talked about it and thats when I told hubby to tell me all the skeltons, lies, and whatever that might come up down the line, cause I was tired of finding out more lies, crap about the A. It just started another fight, and at that time, I told hubby he needed to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That night we sit down and agreed to talk and not get mad, I had to bite my tongue and hold in the tears, but we finally got pass it all. Its all up to you, you can talk about it or just let it go and hope he isn't lieing anymore.

It is impossible to tell you what to do, but if it was me, I could not let it go. It would eat away at me. I had many such issues and always ended up bringing them up. I think that to move on, there must be openness and honesty. The lies have to stop. The event that now dominate your thoughts must be opened up to you so you can get past them. He has danced with the devil and it is up to you to tell him when the music has stopped playing.
I feel for you, it is so hard, but remember, it is him who did wrong, do not feel guilty about the consequences of his actions. If he wants the questions to stop, only the truth can set him free.

I would say something too. For my part I made it very clear he had a free pass to come clean with everything and what I found after that is just another lie. You are 15 months out and he still didn't man up (excuse the term if you men find it offensive) to come to you and say "hey you know what I lied to you about something."

Total disclosure is just that. Good luck in whatever you choose.

i dont think i could keep quiet. it is a testament to ur love for him and ur committment to reconcilation that u would even want to suppress it for the marriage sake. remember tho that u did that, like all of us, when the a was happening and look where that got us. i hope u find a good answer for u, i just hope its just an old transgression u can work thru and not something that is coming into ur lives again.

Nikki

Anguished I just had the same thing happen. I found some credit card bills and saw some things I didn't know about. I confronted him. He said yes he had been with her and didn't tell me. We had a small argument about it because 17 months ago on DD I asked for the entire truth. We spent months going round and round until he said I knew everything. Well anyway in the end it doesn't really matter. He cheated, he left work and drove 45 minutes to take her to lunch and me knowing or not knowing won't change it.
Good luck with your decision but try to look at the future and not the past.

You will NEVER know al lthey did. They will either NOT tell the truth, or wait so long..delay ..delay..delay..and then say " I don't remember."

They don't want to tell you all of it. Its not good. It makes them look bad.

I'd ask him about it.

I read something recently that said most CS don't tell the whole truth in the beginning. It has to do with feeling guilty and ashamed and also with not wanting to hurt the BS more than they have already done. It went on to say that the whole truth does eventually come out it might take several years but when it does it's like starting over. I'll see if I can find that article to send you. It might be worth showing to your spouse. You can explain to him that you are not bringing it up to hurt him but that you feel (if you do) that the half truths and lies are not protecting you from more pain but hindering the healing process.

I've told my H to tell me anything that I need to know now so I can deal with it all. Once we get back to that really good place I don't want to have to revisit anything that was left out now. I want to know when I am done with this I am done. That being said I do think he probably does try to "sugar coat" things to lessen the pain but I have no proof of that. If I did I would definitely ask him about it.

It took us several rounds over 5 months to finally get the whole truth out. Each time I found out he hadn't told me the whole truth it was like a knife in my heart and started the whole process over again. By the 3rd time, I was ready to pack my bags.

hurting, I would love to read the article also! Because I know when I just found an old credit card bill it was such a shock.

Thanks for all your inputs. I would love to read that article hurting.

Sometimes I still obsess about the A and spend hours searching the internet for answers. I searched through my history and didn't think I was going to be able to find what I was talking about but I still had it opened in a tab. I keep stuff I think I may want to discuss with my H open for a few days. At this point I have realized that every little thing that pops in my head doesn't need to be discussed so before I bring something up a wait a couple days and if it is still on my mind then we discuss it. Anyway here is the link.

http://www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/spouse_won't_discuss.htm

Its about half way down were they talk about the whole truth coming out, but the whole article is good, especially if your spouse doesn't want to open up to you.

I was thinking this one over for a while before responding because it is a tough one. I can ONLY answer for ME and what I would do anyway.

If I found today (I am 7 months post dday but we are well along in recovery) something that was a detail about my h cheating that he omitted or lied about, first I would need to try and figure out if he in fact did this on purpose or if it was something he may have actually forgotten about. They do tend to try and block it out once they are in the stage of rebuilding.

What I believe I would do is if it was a detail that they may have forgotten about and not INTENTIONALLY lied about it, I would let it go. However if I believe they intentionally lied to me about it, I would probably tell them

"I found this and you had told me differently. I had hoped when you told me you were being completely open with me, you were. I had told you I was giving you the chance to come completely clean with me, so there would be no more lies between us. I am going to HOPE that this was a case of memory lapse and not a lie to me. I am disappointed if it is a lie and that you didnt trust me to accept what you had to tell me. You should know by now how much I love you and am willing to do what it takes to make our marriage better for both of us. If we werent doing so well now and have come so far I would be much more upset than I am since honesty between us is of the utmost importance. Since it is so important, that is why I am sharing with you now that I have become aware of this. But I also recognize that this is the past and we are working toward our future. What we are now and where we are now matters much more to me than what WAS. But please always be honest with me even if you believe it will hurt me. Because the lies will only set us back and will make me trusting you again so much more difficult. If I cant believe you will be honest with me about the small things, I cant believe you will about the really big things. "

This way you have addressed it, were honest about it, but are not making an issue either since you have moved forward. Again, this is just how it would be handled by ME. You have to make your own choice.

I , also, got the truth in droplets (finding out on my own/through OW) instead of a big flood (from HIM). That drove me CRAZY! I really do believe that they dont understand why we need to know everything. They see the small details as just that: small (ie; insignificant) details that they want to avoid telling for fear that it will cause MORE damage. They don't understand that by not telling EVERYTHING, they are risking the MOST damage if we find out on our own! It can be a misguided approach to trying to protect us. So misguided. I really don't think he see's it as him "still" lying to you.. even though that is technically what he has done.
I wouldn't be able to hold back confronting him. Just try to remember how far you all have come. Good luck.