I keep thinking "if only" possibilties. Noy helpful I know but if only he had shhown me this committment and atttention then. I sometimes feel resentful when he is so nice now but he couldn't do tis before. I have said to him I like where we are now but what a huge cost. I do try and remind myself that the past is the past but this is my hardest struggle.

I am in a similar situation, 6 months from dday. I have good days and bad days. I don't feel guilty for my bad days but my H clearly has a hard time with me withdrawing. I don't want to throw him into a tailspin, but I also want to be real with myself. I think the A happened because in part I wasn't honest enough about what I wanted and didn't want. Although, I think I felt silenced, so I guess that's where part of my work is. I feel like the whole situation has been very traumatizing to my sense of myself in the world and in the relationship, so often I feel like I am trying to get my own bearings, not necessarily focused on him and our marriage. Is that so wrong?
I wonder about what may be going on for you in your comparisons. What are you imagining or recalling about the time he was involved in the affair. What comparisons are you drawing? What about that causes you pain?

I'm 2 years post dday and I still struggle and find myself withdrawing, but it is becoming less and less. Like both of you, my H has been textbook about rebuilding. I do comparisons too. I'm bad about comparing myself to Hs OW and just OW in general. Also, as a team and family we have been experiencing some very trying times, that have nothing to do with Hs A, but it's times such as these that make me nervous.

Sometimes I get angry at his ability to block things out and go about his life just fine. Usually, I'm not capable of blocking thoughts out. Over time, I'm seeing that thoughts are dimenishing and not so much on the forefront of my thinking.

It's a day to day thing with me. Just recently we had a heavy conversation that brought up the A and I said something to H that I think needed to be said, but hadn't up until that point. As tough as those moments were for both of us - we came out better. At least I'm feeling a lot better and I'm relating it to this experience :)

I do this too. I'm 4 months out this Friday and I still find myself comparing to the OW, wondering what she gave him that I didn't and still focusing on HOW he could do this. My H is doing everything he should with his random moments of amnesia that seem to be common to CS. He is torn up and almost in shock he did this. But then I have these moments where this little voice of doubt says "read everyone's profiles. So many of them have multiple Ddays. He is just going to do it again. People don't change". GRRRR I hate that little voice. I still snoop and he knows it. I still keep track of OW to make sure I know if she is going to resurface or not. And I'm not holding back. If I am happy with him, I tell him. If I am raging then he gets that too. But I have noticed the dips on the roller coaster are starting to space out a bit and are a bit further between. That first dip on Dday though, that was a doosy.

indoubt: I think I am looking at where we are now in our "new" relationship and for some reason when I superimpose the A on top of it, it seems to make the A all the more awful.

Pre-A we never had small talks. All our conversations were children, family, household driven. We spent alot of time apart. My H is in National Guard and had two back-to-back deployments. We did not "see" each other anymore. We were blind to the features in one another that had attracted us to each other in the first place. Sex was down to every other week. We ceased to see each other as a partner to draw strength from - in fact I think our relationship was draining each of us.

So dday happens and suddenly we have to make a choice. Divorce or make it work. And my conditions were...we don't just make it work and get on with out live - my conditions were that we made it work and both had to feel like the relatioship was satisfying and fulfilling. I refuse to deal with the trauma of the A and be content with life as it was prior to it. We had to both be committed to working toward something different and hopefully in the long run better. We chose the later. Suddenly we are dating again, long talks, holding hands....all of the things in the honeymoon stage.

Things continue to go well, but I think we are moving into the acceptance stange because everything seems to be evening out. Now that the initial rush is over, I find myself feeling a bit deflated. My H is continuing to do right but suddenly now that all the first bloom of emotions is over, I am starting to have my mind wander back to the A. The problem is I view the A in context to my current life, and that is where i think the pain is coming in. Not to say that it is any less painful from the state our relationship was in when it happened...it just seems more acute at the moment.

anguished...I also still find myself playing the "what if" game. "What if I had only brought up to him that I noticed something was wrong?" The problem is my mother was ill during that time and I did not have the time to sit down and disucss it.

When I try to play the "What if" game I try to shake myself out of it when I do it, because I can not undo the past. To try to go back in my mind like that only serves to drive me crazy. It is a challenge to not do that to myself and sometimes I fail, but I am trying!

I am 1yr 4mos since Dday and H has done everything by the book and then some. I still have days that i question my choices or I can't look at him .....Don't get me wrong It's getting better everday but flashbacks are a sucker punch to the gut. the best thing I found on flashback days (which don't happen as much anymore) is going to my punching bag or running.
I did the what if game and it came down to this.......No matter what is going on in our relationship stress, Death, Illness....you name it, Does NOT give a pass on having an A.

Strongerhope- I so agree. I think there is this natural reaction for us to try and rationalize their behavior and choices, blame the OP, blame outside events, anything to say that the cheating spouse was duped or victimized into it. They weren't. They made a conscious choice, I don't even call it a mistake because that implies they didn't mean to do it, no they did. They CHOSE this. And I think the comparisons we make are rooted in this. What did the OW or OM have that I didn't. What did they offer that I didn't. And then the comparisons from I was so happy just four and a half months ago and so sad now. When I was younger I would have kicked him to the curb now I'm not, have I become weak? Nothing like a kick in the gut to make you re-evaluate what kind of shape you are really in.