In the first few months post DDAY, I constantly compared myself to the OW. I compared everything from looks to motivation levels to career status to what my husband's relationship looked like with her compared to what it was with me... everything.

While I don't think I ever 100% bought into it, I "trained" myself to the thinking that it didn't matter who she was or what his relationship was like with her because, just like relationships he had before he met me, this was over. The past was the past. And, maybe even more importantly, whatever and who ever she was, well, it was entirely separate from who I am and what my husband and I are to each other.

This thinking was mostly for my sanity so that I could move on, but there's some itchy part of my brain that screams, "Yes, but... if you can figure out what it was that he saw in HER then you can give that to him!"

And maybe there's a grain of truth in that, but (and I actually DO firmly believe this) whatever *I* can offer him should be what *I* can offer him and what *HE* wants, not what she offered him that he liked. It can't be about her. It has to be about US.

The problem I'm finding these days isn't so much about comparing to her. There are compliments he'll give me that still punch me in the gut because they remind me of her (he will often tell me how beautiful my cheekbones are when I smile - she had prominent cheeks, too) but mostly I find myself comparing to other people not even related to the affair, and it seems so dumb. Why can't I convince myself of how unhealthy that is. Or is it?

Is comparing ourselves to others good? Does it have value? Does it help us to get on to a better path because we can emulate what is working for others? Or does it set us up for failure trying to live in someone else's shoes?

On here, I used to do comparing a couple of years ago (well into the healing process, but certainly not where we are now.) I'd constantly be worried that my husband and I weren't doing well enough because so-and-so was doing so much better, or I'd get frustrated because so-and-so doesn't ever deal with such-and-such the way I do...and on and on. I feel pretty good about where my husband and I are most of the time (REALLY good, in fact) so I don't do that anymore, but now I'm side-by-siding with other people in our lives.

For example, a couple I know is on a tour through Europe right now. Yes, I am a tinsy jealous, but it's more than that, it's like... I can't stop doing the, "Well, if we'd only had one kid like they did and if we'd had that kid so much later in life like they did and if I'd finished my degree and really dug into my career and if my husband had followed this other career and if..." and it's dumb. We didn't do any of that so what's the point in comparing or trying to figure out where things went "wrong"? Yet I'm doing it.

Does anyone else out there have this issue? How do you tame this beast? And seriously, is there benefit at all in this, or do I need to train myself out of this bad habit?