My son, who was 11 at the time, was also home on dday. He witnessed all of my craziness that day. He knows that something happened. My kids see me frequently using this site on the computer and they know that during the past year their Dad and I have been having a rough time. I have to say that in the early days I think my oldest son's issues stemmed from what he's witnessed. Lately, I can say that my kids seem much happier and there's less acting out since H and I have become more connected. They see us embracing and kissing often. H participates more in our daily activities. I think they have seen this and it has quelled any fears they may have been having. I do think kids are resilient and when we are feeling happy and confident they will feel the same. Your healing and H's new commitment have most likely reassured her and allowed her to bounce back.

My parents divorced when I was a senior in HS. I was torn between who I wanted to stay with. I had 2 younger brothers at home and a younger sister. An older sister and brother were already gone from home. I moved out and stayed with a friend for the next couple months and then I moved in with my mom. My dad kept the farm and the younger kids stayed with him. I think it would have been a lot easier on us if my parents would have reconciled.

My daughter is 14 and overheard one of our conversations around 5 months after DDay, so I had already calmed down quite a bit. I think one of the reasons H was so adamant that we not separate in the beginning was he was terrified of her reaction if she found out. She was devastated, hurt, angry, wanted to make him leave. To a child, a parent having an affair breaks the unspoken rule that they will be loyal to the family. It feels very personal to them.

Once she knew, then it freed me up to be MAD AS HELL at him for bringing this into our family. Before that, I was crying in private and trying to put a happy face on when she was around. My restraint probably made it seem to him that I wasn't as upset as I really was.

Once she knew and confronted him, he broke down emotionally and that seemed to be when the biggest "a-ha!" moment happened for him. She hated him for weeks and didn't want to be around him but finally forgave him enough to start rebuilding their relationship (and used it to her advantage like a pro - never underestimate the buying power of a remorseful daddy! I'm just glad we didn't end up with a pony.) She's still highly annoyed with him but seems to be working it through in her own time and way. She and I talk about it quite a bit because she doesn't want to talk to him, so i try to frame things in a way that she can choose to forgive him completely when she is ready. I told her about my part in the situation (getting too focused on volunteering and other things while ignoring him), that her daddy is a good man who made a HUGE mistake, and that I'm willing to give him one more chance. He broke down in front of her at one point when they were alone and cried, told her how sorry he was, how big of a mistake he had made, how much he still loves us, and how he didn't want to lose us. It made a huge impression on her.

But she also knows that if it happens again he'll have to leave. And she knows that I met with an attorney when it first happened so that she and I would be taken of. I keep thinking about what I want her to take from this in case she ever goes through something similar when she's older - namely that we can offer forgiveness and second chances, but also need to draw a line in the sand and protect ourselves financially. And maybe H needs to know that too. It really shook him when he found out that I met with an attorney and it was up to him which way this whole thing is going. In the beginning I wasn't sure what the outcome would be, but wanted to have all my ducks in a row and someone else to think about financial matters because I wasn't in the emotional state to make any big decisions.

To the OP - I doubt your daughter has forgiven him 100%, or even 50%, but she needs her life to go back to normal as much as possible. I also think that this will follow her for the rest of her life and she's watching both of you to see how you handle things, especially you. My daughter needed to know that I was protecting her, was angry at him, and held him accountable. She doesn't want us divorced, but doesn't want him to get off the hook too easy either. She wanted to know about the other woman and I told her as much as was appropriate and showed her a picture. I refuse to lie to her, but edit heavily.

Have you talked to your daughter about it lately? Every once in awhile I ask mine "so how are you doing with all of this?" and she'll tell me. She never brings it up on her own (probably worried she'll upset me) but seems relieved when I ask her. It helps to reframe some of her thoughts - I told her that daddy had a crush on the OW and now it's over and that seemed to help her process it. She has a different crush every week, so that made sense to her at the time. A relationship can mean everything and then nothing.

My H's parents divorced when he was 15 or so. His dad was absent from their lives and leading up to the divorce was quite the philander, I have heard. I think that that whole situation in some way played a role in my husband's ability to let himself get involved with another woman. I also think though that when it came down to the wire, he also remembered the pain of his parents divorce and it made him all the more determined to fix what he had broken.

In the beginning after dday my H and I held hands constantly in front of our daughter. It was done to reassure her that we were working things out. What we did mainly for her, was the first baby steps for rebuilding our connection and looking back I did not realize what a wonderful and important thing we were doing. Something transpired every time our hands touched...a little bit of the bridge was built back.

the kids were not home when i confronted him. dday was labor day and they were out playing with friends. i did not want to tell them, however, being that he only considers his own feelings, H blurted it all out when they came in from playing. i was pissed. i really didnt want them to have to deal with it. they are still loathe to trust dad and totally taking advantage of his guilt. i am not sure how to handle it, but they all talk to me and i guess thats something. they have all talked to dad too, and i think its ok they know, but i still wish they never knew. hell i kinda wish i never knew. oh well wish in one and shit in the other right lol

I do ask my daughter on occasion how she is doing. Last time I asked she replied that she had gotten past all that and wondered if I had done the same yet.....I told her I was working on it.

I will say that while my H was totally committed to working things out with me - it was the realization that he almost lost the love and trust and devotion of his darling daughter that was extra catalysis to put a MAJOR effort in rebuilding. I am thankful that he was willing to do everything possible to not just fix us but to fix our family too.

My daughter was all in his face about it while I was still walking on eggshells. I absolutely hate that she ever got involved, and wish she didn't have to find out, but it was nice to have the extra leverage.

One of the issues H was having at the time of the EA was that I was involved with a lot of things that didn't include him, and co-workers kept telling him that our D wouldn't want anything to do with him once she hit the teen years and discovered boys. He felt very alone and abandoned at the time and was mourning the loss of the little kid that followed him everywhere and did everything he did. They have always been very close.

The irony is that she doesn't fit that profile at all and is still very attached to both of us.

One of the things I count as a blessing everyday is that my babes are 2 and 8 months so they have no idea. All I can say to those of you who have to not only heal yourselves but also heal your children is that you are incredible souls. Your love and dedication to your families never ceases to inspire me.

I have to to admit that on one of my lowest days I was really ticked because it seemed like he had all the fun, got to flirt around and enjoy the attention of the EA - and then I had to deal with my emotions/anger/hurt, the psycho OW who did some crazy things and then helping our daughter recover all while reassuring him that we'd get through this somehow and getting my ducks in a row in case it didn't.

I'm very glad to see this year come to an end and hope for a much better 2011. I'll be picking my own projects, thankyouverymuch.

I told my two girls who are 20 and 24 because the psycho OW phoned H's brother and was threatening to phone H's parents. she had my 2 girl's numbeers because of H's stupidity and I was terrified that she would call them. She sent her daughter to our house to get her key back, who does that, get your kids involved in a sordid mess. They did not take the news well. They cut H out of their lives for more than 6 months. My younger daughter has gotten over it pretty well, my older daughter who had a special bond with H is still distant. I ask them how they are doing all the time just to give them an outlet and they have been talking to me but it is so sad to see them estarnged with their Dad. We initailly thought it would be a good idea to have a group counselling session but H backed out ot that. He feels so ashamed that he has touble talking about his behavior. I am trying to get him to spend some onoe on one time with each daughter. He did wiht the younger one but feels rejected by the older on. I am hoping time will fix this.

I've been thinking about this question for the past few days and I'd like to amend my answer .... I think that kids can forgive quickly, but never forget. It probably helps when their lives are not interrupted by parents separating and having to rearrange their lives around 2 households.

Anguished- I bet it was that special bond that your older daughter had with her dad that is making it so hard for her to forgive. She just watched superman fall from the sky and rob a bank. I was (and am now again) Daddy's little girl. But my dad did this too. When I was 12. I literally did not say a civil word to him until I was 14. And I didn't totally forgive him until I was 18 for breaking my heart. Even then I did so by his example because he quickly forgave me for breaking his by getting pregnant at 18 out of wedlock.

I will add, although much off topic, he became my superman again when he was my rock after I lost that baby to a genetic defect 24 weeks into the pregnancy. There is hope that you H can repair this. I pray it doesn't take the dramatic events that me and my dad went through.

Some of you know my story and some dont. I have a total of 5 children. My oldest is 26, then 21, 19, 18 then 11. The oldest 3 are girls and the last 2 are boys. All are my natural children except the 18 year old. He is my h's son and the other 4 are my h's step children. My h and I have been together for 11 years. We got together when my son was only a few months old. Him and my h are as close as father and son can be. My youngest is the only one still home and he knew there was a problem between us since we did have some whopper fights lol. So he knew SOMETHING was up. My girls know nothing about it. The last thing I want is for my children to think badly of their father.

Our oldest son. The OW used him to hurt me and my h. She also in her screwed up and twisted mind thought that he would just go along with it! She tells him about what had happened between his dad and her and how his dad doesnt realize how bad I am for him and how happy he could be living there with her and them! She tells him that she is going to tell me about it that night and then when I throw him out he will be moving in there.

Our son wasnt on board at all. He knew that she was wrong for one about how my h felt about me. He also knew that she was just trying to break us up.

The problem is that he is in love with her daughter. He is 18 and you remember how intense love can be at that age. It is all consuming. The daughter of course blames my h because her mom got hurt. Even though she knows full well that it was her mother that was doing the pursuing. The OW never claimed any different. She claims she just knows what she wants and isnt afraid to go after it. She calls it "honesty". I have another word for it but will refrain.

Our son for a while tried to walk in the middle of it. However, because they lived in the garage apartment at her house, he had a tough time of it. The daughter would talk bad about us and mainly his dad. She wouldnt even let him come to our home alone. We were unable to ever even talk to him alone at all. Then it got to where the only time he called was when he wanted something from us. Neither of them work or have even TRIED to work.

I cant even allow our son to have his fathers cell phone number. That is another long story but suffice it to say the OW already pulled an unbelievable stunt to try and get the number. The only thing that stopped it was my stubbornness about letting our son have that cell number.

It all finally came to a head a few months ago. We havent talked to our son since. My h and I had to make the choice that at this point he isnt thinking straight. The OW also is still too much a integral part of his life and as long as he is with the daughter this will continue to be the case. My only hope is that they break up. Then maybe we will be able to mend the bridge. But who knows. It came down to choosing our marriage to a now completely dysfunctional relationship with our son. He now of course blames it all on his dad too. He has to. He cant live there, be happy and not have his life be constant arguing and side with his dad and me. It is his relationships with them and something he will have to come to understand on his own. There are things you can tell your kids and teach them and there are some things they just have to figure out on their own. My h and I feel that with us out of the equation, he can no longer put the blame on US for problems they might have. Then he will have to learn to figure it out on his own. He has always been one to take the easiest road and blame everyone else for anything that happened. When he was growing up when he would get into trouble at his mom's he would leave there and move in with us. Then the same thing when he got into trouble at our house. So this isnt exactly a shocking revelation. He will continue this pattern till he matures and realized that HE is the common denominator in all of the issues he has. EVERYTHING isnt always someone elses fault.

So while the OW dragging him into it has absolutely destroyed our relationship, I cant say that it was perfect before this happened. I can say that none of our other children know about it and we plan to keep it that way. If they do find out down the road, I will deal with it at that time. However, I just dont see how there would be any benefit to them knowing. Especially since we have recovered from it .

I can only hope that time and maturity will help our son come to terms with it and he will eventually forgive his father.