Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Got your attention, didn't I?
I hate this. I hatehatehate it. It bugs the crap out of me when folks on the infidelity board go on and on about how cheaters are innately "bad" and always have been bad and always will be bad. Seriously?
On a different support site I saw this and wanted to share it cos it was just so perfectly, "YES! THIS!"
Quote:
"The fact is you married a man who has no morals or weakness of character. When you are able to face that fact, you'll realize how totally irrelevant it is that he had an affair with this married coworker with young children vs. that married coworker with young children."
Reply:
"I disagree with this as a blanket statement. It does not describe MOST WS's.
Very likely, she DID marry someone of high moral fiber and good character, as did I. Her husband, if he is in the category of the majority of WS's, temporarily set aside his value system and moral fiber in order to justify the crime he was committing. As did mine.
And of course the OW is relevant to the whole mess, because even though she took no vows to love and cherish the BS, the OW was a willing accomplice in the attempted destruction of a family, and the total ruination of the BS."
I love this. I get so mad when people say, "The OW isn't guilty in any of this. She didn't make any vows to you." No, but she KNEW he was married, KNEW he claimed to love me, KNEW he insisted he would never leave me, yet she still pressured and threatened and cajoled (and obviously seduced.)
I don't (anymore) believe that the OW is evil incarnate, though I do think her "moral compass" (using her words) was definitely off kilter during the time of the affair. Is it always? I don't know. I don't know her. I am not, nor was I ever friends with her. She is a lawyer, so I sort of doubt her moral compass points true north, but I can't fairly judge that. She's human - just like my husband. They both made some selfish decisions in order to pursue their own needs and pleasures without truly giving consideration to what the consequences would be.
Anyway, just wanted to vent this and reiterate that PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. We all have the capacity for making poor choices. All of us. Under the right/wrong circumstances, the betrayed spouses might have been the cheaters, and the cheating spouses the betrayed. Self righteousness and blanket statements about good verses evil serve no one any good in healing.
I hate this. I hatehatehate it. It bugs the crap out of me when folks on the infidelity board go on and on about how cheaters are innately "bad" and always have been bad and always will be bad. Seriously?
On a different support site I saw this and wanted to share it cos it was just so perfectly, "YES! THIS!"
Quote:
"The fact is you married a man who has no morals or weakness of character. When you are able to face that fact, you'll realize how totally irrelevant it is that he had an affair with this married coworker with young children vs. that married coworker with young children."
Reply:
"I disagree with this as a blanket statement. It does not describe MOST WS's.
Very likely, she DID marry someone of high moral fiber and good character, as did I. Her husband, if he is in the category of the majority of WS's, temporarily set aside his value system and moral fiber in order to justify the crime he was committing. As did mine.
And of course the OW is relevant to the whole mess, because even though she took no vows to love and cherish the BS, the OW was a willing accomplice in the attempted destruction of a family, and the total ruination of the BS."
I love this. I get so mad when people say, "The OW isn't guilty in any of this. She didn't make any vows to you." No, but she KNEW he was married, KNEW he claimed to love me, KNEW he insisted he would never leave me, yet she still pressured and threatened and cajoled (and obviously seduced.)
I don't (anymore) believe that the OW is evil incarnate, though I do think her "moral compass" (using her words) was definitely off kilter during the time of the affair. Is it always? I don't know. I don't know her. I am not, nor was I ever friends with her. She is a lawyer, so I sort of doubt her moral compass points true north, but I can't fairly judge that. She's human - just like my husband. They both made some selfish decisions in order to pursue their own needs and pleasures without truly giving consideration to what the consequences would be.
Anyway, just wanted to vent this and reiterate that PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE. We all have the capacity for making poor choices. All of us. Under the right/wrong circumstances, the betrayed spouses might have been the cheaters, and the cheating spouses the betrayed. Self righteousness and blanket statements about good verses evil serve no one any good in healing.
When I those hateful responses that basically say "all cs are bottom feeding evil bastards and whores", I tend not to reply because I don't see my h that way.
So thankful for this group because it kept me from throwing in the towel on several occasions. Love you guys! : )
I think it simply depends on the character of the person. The CS haters on infidelity board turn into BS chasers on Cheaters Anonymous board. Mean people.
I don't think all of them are victims. Shegavehimareason was a prime example of a victim. But the Slytherins (see one of my journal entries - not revealing the names to protect the innocent, lol) are just mean. They are persecutors. And since they got rid of their own CS they are persecuting all the CS. And BS who dare to have different point of view. I sadly don't have a "temporarily insane" CS and still I did not turn into a hater. You either are mean or you are not.
I was actually thinking what rebuilders have in common but this is a separate thread.
My wife is a caring, loving, very kind person. She just fell into a year of letting all of her morals go out the window and making one mistake after another. I have made lots and lots of mistakes in my life that does not make me evil. (or her evil).
About the haters , there are lots of people that have been very harmed I get that. I still have some very bad days even though DD was a little over a year ago.
I know though that I will not let HATE, Anger, and self pitty consume my life I just will not.
I will live a positive and happy life!!! Yes I worry a lot more now than I would like, but I will not play the victim for ever. It is just one of the horrible troubles that we face.
Life is never perfect, we have to stay positive and know that there are better days. Even if my wife cheated again I would not think her to be evil. WEAK and selfish, and I do not think I could stay with her but I would always have a place in my heart for her and I would never look at her as Evil. I would have no respect for her and again do not think I could stay.
Besides all of that I really do have the believe that people can change!!!! A lot of CS wake up at some point from what they were lost in. I think that the pain my wife felt when working on rebuilding and the amount of horrible emotions compleatly out weighed the good from the affair.
Anyway thats most of my mind on that one.
Hope everyone is having a blessed day!!!!!