Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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lovingagain 10/31/2008

My husband began his EA that turned physical during a time of great hardship & sorrow in our family. That problem concerned our daughter who is now 21 and living out of state.

She's been struggling with jobs & her car etc, and we've tried to help when we can. Yesterday she called because an expected paycheck didn't arrive and her car was still in the shop. I used Western Union to send her some cash.

Then I came home and just came unglued. I realized that everytime something comes up with our daughter, somewhere in the back of my mind I link it with the A. I was a huge realization for me...maybe it seems clear as a bell to some, but I hadn't seen it yet. I left the dinner table and laid down, and when H came upstairs I told him what I was feeling. Then I told him to just give me some space, so he went to the gym as usual and I was asleep when he got home.

I know this is normal...not really asking for advice, but would like to hear any thoughts. Just venting. Triggers seem to be everywhere, but I should have caught this one before. This isn't the type of trigger I can ignore or put away from me. It's daunting.

deleted_user 10/31/2008

my trigger is very simple. every time she is on her blackberry or checking her emails, even work emails.

deleted_user 10/31/2008

I'd just encourage you to be good to yourself. When you said "I should have caught this one before...", it just sounds like you're upset that you didn't make the connection earlier. That's okay. There are things that trigger me that I still don't understand and I don't know if I'll ever understand. I don't understand the triggers, but I have had some success in dealing with them. I understand that what is triggered is my instincts (fight or flight) and that I don't have to respond to the triggers. It's kind of like watching the roller coaster instead of riding it.

lovingagain 10/31/2008

Good thoughts wiz...I've told others to "step back" at times. I should take my own advice. Thanks.

uhoh...my H never called or emailed the OW since they worked together. So those aren't triggers for me, but I can see how they could be for you and someone in your situation.

It sucks.

rel8 10/31/2008

That is so difficult. There is no way around it. I think by letting your husband know about what you discovered is a good step in trying to come to terms with that particular trigger. I also know it's hard to involve them in guarding against your triggers but maybe you should just reach out and discuss it with him. You guys are going down such a good path, explore the bumps in the road together.
My triggers are the events where my H coaches because she's always there. I have had to (wo)man up and face her and I have never backed down. Over time this trigger has really diminished and I am gaining back my sense of power over her. It does help that in the nine page letter I sent her I told her I was watching her talk to every man on the field (she only talks to men as she has no women friends) and wondering if she was after them for the same reason she was after my H, to have a meaningless, totally powerless sexual affair in order to boost her nonexistent self esteem.

deleted_user 10/31/2008

Triggers are very hard for me. My H took the OW to so many of the places that we had been enjoyed together. Those places are now tainted for me. I try not to let it trigger me, but sometimes when we are sitting in our favorite restaurant I can't help but think that he sat there with her or when we are dancing in our favorite club I can't help but think that he danced there with her. Its so hard. Two weeks after we went to this great beach together for the first time and even commented on what a great evening it was and what a beautiful sunset it was, he took her there and she gave him a BJ on the beach as the sun was setting. She took pictures of the sunset on her phone. Months later after the affair was supposedly over she sent him the photo. I saw his subsequent email to her about how the picture melted his heart and brought back such beautiful memories and how that place will always have special meaning for him. I can never go to that beach now.

Why couldn't they go and make their own new memories instead of stealing and destroying mine?

lovingagain 10/31/2008

I am so thankful that none of their times together were in public or here at our house. They all took place at her house, and it's not near here so I don't have to see it.

The knowledge of what happened is bad enough. But this trigger took my by surprise because I hadn't made the connection before.

Thanks to all who replied. It helps to hear other peoples thoughts.

deleted_user 10/31/2008

LTA here so the triggers are everywhere. I think it is great you were able to identify the connection of your daughter and the trigger. You should be proud of yourself for figuring that out. I bet you are on your way to conquering that trigger now. Some people have more of a problem with triggers than others and you need to understand the workings of your brain and your coping style. I like wjztrimmer's idea of watching the coaster, Tweedsie does the take the trigger head on thing, which seems to work for her. . Talking or writing works the best for me. I have PTSD and triggers are a part of it. I am ok with the triggers that deal directly with the adultery but when it spills into how I feel about myself, I get angry. I think getting angry actually helps me. I am pissed off that my H's behavior has made me feel like less of a person. I was a cute, funny, sexy, smart lady before I knew of my h's stupidity. I need to not let his problems influence my view of myself.

lovingagain 10/31/2008

Thanks Texy.

What's "LTA"?

deleted_user 10/31/2008

long term affair. some say over 6 months, others say one year. there is a LTA room on DS.

lovingagain 10/31/2008

Ah...thanks.

lovingagain 10/31/2008

I have to post and update everyone. We had a great Friday night. H brought home pizza and some beer. We relaxed, I took a bath, and nature took it's course. We didn't talk too much about yesterday, just a bit, but we reconnected which is so important.

He loves me and shows me in so many ways. When we did talk a bit about the new "trigger", he said he'd never thought it about it that way, but understood why I did.

It was all good, and I'm so glad he understands. Our evening was wonderful, and I tucked him into bed early because he has to work a full day tomorrow. Right now I'm feeling really positive about where we're at and the progress we've made. He's talking about finding something to do in March for our anniversary, somewhere we've never gone.

Just had to post and give some encouragement to those who are still in the process of rebuilding. It can be done when both of you are invested 100%. The OW was never in my mind, the witch is dead as of this moment.

needhelp62 11/01/2008

Big trigger for me today. I was blocks from her house and saw the restaurant he took her to when they first started dating. This is a chain restaurant and one is close to my house..I never go there. And the liquor store he bought liquor from before he went to her house. I passed it today too.

Bad day.

.

rel8 11/01/2008

I'm so glad you had a great night lovingagain. I can tell that you are on the same path to rebuilding. Spontaneous reconnection works miracles.
One of my triggers is a restaurant that is advertised during every Cubs game. He took her there once (I was in Vegas a day early waiting for him to join me). That is the only restaurant he ever took her to and only that one time. We are going to go there. I plan on walking in like I own the place and make it OURS. I am leaving no stone unturned. Kind of like an predatory animal that walks past anothers space and pees on the place to mark it. That's how I deal with all of my triggers. Claim these places as my own and replace the memories. It works for me!

lovingagain 11/01/2008

I'm glad that there aren't any location type triggers for me. They never went out, or came here.

H is dealing with his own triggers. Every you look on TV, magazines, music, movies... adultery is there. He said it makes him physically ill at times. He has to work on forgiving himself. I think the further we get down this path, the easier it will be for both of us to give it less mental space.

rel8 11/01/2008

Ah, the TV and movie triggers. I don't have a problem with those any more but my H does. My H hasn't come to terms with his own forgiveness yet. He totally buries that element of the whole thing. But IMO, if you don't deal with forgiving yourself the triggers will always be there even when everything else is going so well. He knows that I forgive him but I don't think he's doing the emotional work to forgive himself.

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