Cleaning out my e-mail today and found this article - hope it is helpful for those of you just beginning the reconciliation process!

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How Do Husbands Feel When You Catch Them Cheating?

I frequently hear from wives who want to know if their husband feels enough remorse or guilt after his affair or his cheating. Sometimes, the wife suspects that the husband is only putting on an act to elicit the forgiveness or the response that he wants from his wife. And, some wives tell me that their husbands act as if they are indignant or are justified in their behaviors, which can absolutely infuriate the wives.

A husband's feelings after he's been caught cheating can certainly vary and differ as much as the husbands themselves. Also the way that he feels about this can change over time as the truth really begins to come out and be worked through. In the following article, I will discuss some of the feelings that I witness or have admitted from men who have been caught cheating.

Usually A Husband's Initial Reaction After Being Caught Cheating Is Panic: Although he may not show this reaction to you, many men typically feel shock and panic once the cat is out of the bag.

As unbelievable or as silly as it sounds, most men never really think that they are going to be caught. In their own minds, they are going to work this out before you find out.

So, their initial reaction is one of damage control on all fronts. They often are not thinking clearly and are trying to scramble around and determine what is their best strategy moving forward. Unlike women who would try to sort out their feelings and to take inventory as to what their "gut" and their integrity is telling them to do, men are often reactive, meaning that they're merely reacting to whatever is happening at the time rather than worrying about taking the actions that are going to positively effect their future.

Cheating Husbands' Feelings About The Mistress And The Wife Will Often Change Based On Where They Are In The Process: Often, if the relationship with the mistress was not able to come to a natural end or to play out, the husband may still be confused or mournful about this loss, even though the relationship never stood a real chance.
And because the wife is bound to be furious, reeling, and very resentful after finding out about the affair, he's often reluctant to really deal with her in an honest way because he's embarrassed and ashamed of his actions.

These are negative feelings that most people intuitively want to avoid as a means of self preservation, so often the husband will act indignant and defensive. The wife will sometimes take this mean that he's not sorry and he's not guilty. However, this isn't always the case. Sometimes, he's merely attempting to "save face" and is posturing. He figures if he doesn't dwell too much on the specifics of the affair and can throw you off the trial as quickly as possible, he can minimize your pain and anger. In short, he wants to spend as little time justifying or explaining his actions as is possible and so his actions are usually going to be in direct response to this.

This can be absolutely infuriating, I know. Sometimes, you really do have to spell out that you aren't going anywhere and you aren't going to drop this until you get the answers and the responses that you need. Sure, he can act out all he wants but it isn't going to change anything on your end. What is going to be required is not going to change simply because he is acting badly. Sometimes, when you get this across, you'll begin to see his real feelings, which are usually based on guilt, remorse, and a fear that they just don't know where to go from here.

Usually, With A Little Time And Distance, Most Cheating Husbands Do Legitimately Feel Remorse When It Becomes Obvious Just What A Huge Mistake That They Have Made And How Much Pain They've Caused: As I've said, many men will try to shift the blame or minimize their actions at first. When you make it clear that you're not having this and are willing to wait it out, many will come to realize what a huge mistake that they have made. And this is usually when you begin to see their remorse, fear, and sorrow. Also, this is usually when they can begin to look back and realize how foolish they have been and how they were looking for something that never really existed except within themselves.

See, men generally cheat as a direct response to their own fears and doubts. And there is no other person on earth who can give this to them but themselves. Yes, sometimes they build up the mistress and the affair as an answer to their problems. But, now that they are standing on the other side and see the pain that they have caused others, they realize how wrong their thinking was.

Of course, now, it might just be too late to have this realization. And once this reality hits, this is when you will often get the desperate apologies and pleas. This takes longer for some men than for others. Some men will come to this point almost immediately after the affair is out of the bag. For some, this takes weeks or even months without help. Some men ultimately need some help getting to this point because denial has become an unfortunate habit for them.

In short, most men do feel remorse, guilt, and sorrow after they have been caught cheating. But it takes some men longer to get to this point than others. Sometimes, you will need to "help" them get to this place.

I was the cheated on, not the cheater in my relationship. So, I know exactly how the "cheated on" spouse feels. But, I also know that healing and moving on is possible. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/