This is a tough one.Because my H was SO-O-O remorseful and we both worked hard TOGETHER, with a marriage councilor, to 'fix' our communication problems - and to learn what each of us needs from the other.

Our first anniversary after DDay was the worst. (just 6 weeks later). We had decided try to just try to rekindle our friendship first - so we went out for dinner - I gave him a 'normal but short' "Happy Anniversary, I Love You Card" -- impersonal compared to what I usually gave him. --- He gave me a :Let's be friends" card. ((It was our 39th anniversary.)) Such a confusing time. IT WAS ALSO BEFORE WE FOUND THE MARRIAGE COUNCILOR. A year later, we celebrated our 40th with a big to-do and renewed our vows. That DOES NOT MEAN I WAS HEALED >>> IT MEANT THAT I NEEDED TO MAKE NEW VOWS BECAUSE THE OLD ONES HAD BEEN BROKEN -- AND THEY ASSURED ME OF HIS INTENTION TO NEVER STRAY AGAIN.

I would say that maybe you could mark the day in a different way than you have in the past. Commemorate the 25 years. Could you ask HIM to plan something romantic? >>> "I know you have 'sacrificed and provided'' for us, but, the truth is ... I really don't know what to plan for our anniversary. Could we either plan it TOGETHER - or could you take over the planning just this time?" Just a thought off the top of my head. Maybe, during the planning, you can tell him how much you appreciate all he does - but what makes you really feel his love is something ROMANTIC. Again, just some thoughts.
I actually bought a small book titled "Romantic Gestures -- 365 Ways to Say I Love You" by Brian Hardy. I went through it and marked (with star stickers) the ones he DOES already do that I like -- AND marked and other gestures that would be meaningful to me. Buy a book for him, too - so he can do the same. That way maybe he won't be so defensive.
Good Luck..

Well, it is certainly harder when the CS takes a defensive attitude about the hurt they've caused. My first anniversary after dday happened four days later. It was less a celebration of the anniversary than it was a chance to get one-on-one (we'd scheduled a bed and breakfast trip) time to hash through what had happened, and hopefully come out with a way forward. That was our 29th anniversary.

By the time our 30th rolled around, we'd made a lot of progress. I chose to focus on celebrating that progress and the fact we'd made it tot our 30th, which a year before I seriously wondered if we'd still be married by then.

Whether any of that will apply to your situation, I don't know. Maybe it will spark ideas at least.

This touches on a scar that never quit healed, fully. Forgive the lengthy response.

First: YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. You confided in your husband that you were struggling in a non-accusatory way. You owned your own feelings AND you made him aware so he could be a partner and share in your burdens. How fair would it be to pretend you're OK when you're not and then potentially blow up in his face? And even if you can keep a lid on it forever, isn't that dishonest and unfair to your husband? The gateway to an affair is often thrown wide open because of such dishonesty in hiding one's dissatisfaction or unhappiness in a relationship. It feels contrary for betrayed spouses to take on a role of silent sufferer. And: If you don't give him (un)wellness updates, you're robbing him of the opportunity to be a loving, nurturing partner and to help be support for you in your time of need.

I DO understand the unfaithful partner's exasperation and "can't we just let this GO, already" attitude - but just because I understand it doesn't make it right. I understand a tired toddler's tantrum, but that doesn't mean I should encourage it. I have spent years learning how to manage non-cooperative or even hostile responses by backing off and trying again later - usually under more pleasant conditions.

So, some practical suggestions:

* do NOT let this go. Rug sweeping never ever ever EVER works. It's not fair to either of you. But:

* make this an opportunity not a battle - this is a chance to learn and grow together and find a path to deal with this anniversary and all others that you will have - together - as a team.

* Let him know what you are looking for from him before you even lay down the issue. Sometimes, the real issue with my husband is a feeling of inadequacy or helplessness that frankly pisses him off. I say: I am sad, he hears, "you are making me sad and failing me by not making it better!" So if I go into a convo saying: "It would make me really happy if we could plan something really special this year," and then tell him why, he's in action mode instead of defensive mode. Presenting a solution and then the problem seems to put my husband at greater ease.

* if you don't have a specific solution (I often don't) it helps me to say what I need instead of just how I feel, even if it's a vague need. So, instead of, "I am having a hard time," I might try, "I need extra reassurance this week," or "It would be comforting if you could help remind me of all the good things we have shared," or whatever.

* Make sure you both are rested, fed, and not rushed or under pressure to be focusing on something else at the time. Sounds obvious, but here in Dysfunction Junction, we often try to have meaningful convos when one of us is going to bed, hasnt eaten all day, or is trying to get ready for work. Not good.

* Understand he has his own tender scars that are healing and you may be pushing on one. That doesn't mean "drop it" but it may mean letting him know this is a conversation that is important to you but that you are willing to approach differently if he will help guide you.

As for the actual anniversary - ugh. at one point I wondered if it was even worth celebrating at all ever again. I wondered if we kept counting or started over. It felt meaningless or a lie or an act. I couldn't even pick out a card for him because they all expressed gratitude for things he hasn't lived up to.

Finally, someone said "stop painting the picture all one color" to me. And I realized that we didn't STOP being married. We both made bad choices and we had some bad memories and experiences under our belt. So? We were still married. And if I stopped worrying about the bad stuff exclusively I could see the good.

My parents were alcoholics. Baggage in my relationship with them? Nah. Warehouses. Yet: when they each died I genuinely mourned the loss AND celebrated their lives and the good things they did/were/gave. Maybe living through that helped me to better appreciate that it was possible to do that with my husband, too - preferably in LIFE - not after he was gone and it was too late to share with him.

And yet? No lie. Anniversaries are still hard. I wrestle with this issue every year.

You are not me. I don't know what balm will soothe your soul but for me it is the very act of partnership that calms the tender ache. Itnis planning and plotting /together/ and investing in each other that draws us closer. It is focusing on that moment in time - not the past, or even the future, really - and saying, "how can we make this moment count the most?"

Trying new things - being physically close - whispering quietly - touching - laughing - teaming up on other people in our heads (we make up stories at dinner about us being super villains - or heroes - against whoever or whatever strikes our amusement in that moment) - sharing hopes - complimenting each other sincerely. These are the little things that make our anniversaries (and dates) special. Where we go, what we do - and we have done some fabulous things - those are icing on the already delicious cake.

It's a matter of grabbing those special, loving, wonderful things and holding those close to your heart instead of wrapping yourself up in pains of the past. No easy task for me - but well worth the effort.

And - in the end - if those sad, hard feelings creep in, love and respect yourself enough to acknowledge them, but remember to only give them the power they actually hold: no more.