Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
DDay was September 2014 for in person affair, but husband has 3 year history of sneaking online. He had a hard time letting go of OW, who he dated for 6 months. Very obviously not happy with himself/his life but is trying to get on the right track. He takes full responsibility for his actions. He has worked on being a better communicator, and he has been more sensitive to my needs. He says he loves me and is committed for the long haul. But...he still gets moody and thinks about her, and he has admitted that it impacts the way he treats me. I caught him googling her a couple of weeks ago. Also read a text he sent to a friend saying that he didn't want to lose the OW but his marriage is better than ever. Yesterday I found a name I didn't recognize on his recent contact list. He denied, denied, denied, but finally admitted it was her when I threatened to call the number. She blocked his texts and phone on September, but he said that he has tried texting and calling a few times in the last couple of months. I don't think he has received anything back from her.
I told him not to come home from work today. He says he is sorry that he hurt me again and that he loves me. He is afraid that a separation will only lead to divorce. He says he's an idiot and doesn't know why he can't stop obsessing about her. He's in IC, and his therapist told him he needs to redirect his thoughts and focus on his marriage.
Am I overreacting by asking him to leave? Are these just bumps in the road to rebuilding, or are they more serious? I'm not even that surprised by what I discovered yesterday. He seems to be constantly wrestling with his feelings for this woman (who dumped him when she realized he might not leave his family for her). I was encouraged by reading Cole's account of Gabi's struggle with lingering feelings for the OM, but now I feel like my husband has stepped over a line by not being honest about his actions. He told me from the beginning that he could not just flip a switch and make his feelings for this person go away, but I am worried now because his feelings for her are still intense enough that they continue to cause problems for our relationship.
Thanks for reading. I haven't made any decisions about what should happen next. What do you think?
I told him not to come home from work today. He says he is sorry that he hurt me again and that he loves me. He is afraid that a separation will only lead to divorce. He says he's an idiot and doesn't know why he can't stop obsessing about her. He's in IC, and his therapist told him he needs to redirect his thoughts and focus on his marriage.
Am I overreacting by asking him to leave? Are these just bumps in the road to rebuilding, or are they more serious? I'm not even that surprised by what I discovered yesterday. He seems to be constantly wrestling with his feelings for this woman (who dumped him when she realized he might not leave his family for her). I was encouraged by reading Cole's account of Gabi's struggle with lingering feelings for the OM, but now I feel like my husband has stepped over a line by not being honest about his actions. He told me from the beginning that he could not just flip a switch and make his feelings for this person go away, but I am worried now because his feelings for her are still intense enough that they continue to cause problems for our relationship.
Thanks for reading. I haven't made any decisions about what should happen next. What do you think?
Me personally, I reacted to each and every instance I came across and he eventually realized he had a problem. I imagine their thinking goes something like this: I can just look her up on Google. I can handle this. I can just have her number in my phone. I can handle this. I can talk to her once. I can handle this. We can be friends. I can handle this. .... hello slippery slope.
Plan on 3 years or so of continued supervision until his critical thinking skills are reprogrammed. It's a learning curve.
He may not be on the same timeline, but he should be progressing toward that goal. I agree with LisaLisa. Maybe it is time to try the 180 and if that doesn't bring about some changes, go for the separation. He needs to get the sense that this is serious and he can't play around with it.
Good luck.
I have a question about how to implement the 180. I kind of naturally do this anyway when he does something hurtful-I back away and put up little walls, put my mind on other things, and try to live my life. My problem is that he always responds in a very positive way. He apologizes, becomes very attentive and loving, makes promises...but 2 or 3 weeks later when the drama is over, there is usually another slip on his part.
How do I get out of this cycle? I mean, my ultimate goal is to reconcile and have a healthy relationship. I can’t just give him the cold shoulder. I guess that’s why I asked him to stay away this week. As you pointed out, Cole, I sometimes feel like he is playing around because he thinks he can always have his way. I just don’t know what to do when/if I let him come home. I know he will be remorseful and very loving. He texted me this morning that he is scared to death of losing me, but I have to be careful how I process that because this has been going on for so long now, and he has seen how much this hurts me.
Is the 180 even an effective option when your spouse seems responsive but keeps returning to the hurtful behaviors? If it is, how do you keep the 180 going while working on growing closer to your spouse? I hope these questions make sense!
I even check his AP social media. Just to make sure their friends list doesn't have anyone that could possibly be him on it.
I don't do this daily, but I do check. He has never asked if I do... I would tell him if he asked.
180... So many feel that doing this properly this could push the CS towards the AP. It is difficult, but you a really need to try. Because what you were doing isn't working so far.
Also I really believe this is a topic that is kind of taboo. I totally believe sometime to pull the CS out if the fantasy of the AP...
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583
((((Hugs))))
I hope you find peace in this.
I was livid when a month after my husband promised no contact I found out he had been texting the OW, including on our anniversary. Gee. Thanks, dude.
I did give him another chance, but it was made clear to him that this was it. Now or never. Either GTFO or husband up, cos I didn't have it in me to play the back and forth game. I get having feelings for another person, but as I have found in my own situation (anger/jealousy/resentment toward the OW, not love/lust/desire) stalking someone doesn't put them out of your mind, it only pulls them further in.
Wishing you all the support you can get during this time. It's never easy, but your situation sounds extremely crushing and frustrating.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences! It really does help me to hear how those if you on similar situations would respond. I'm finding that in the midst of this unhealthy mess, it is sometimes difficult for me to decide what is acceptable. I know it is very personal, but I also recognize that my thinking has been a bit skewed by the long-term stress.
Thanks!