Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
So my husband is a Type A perfectionist. He has to "deal" with my forgetfulness and my frequent mistakes. Not catastrophic...like I dont remember something for the kids like a paper or I do it and dont tell him to keep him informed right away, or I leave something at home and have to go back for it. His assessment of me is that I am unable to deal with stress and keep up my daily responsibilities. If I have several things pressuring me, he says things dont stay the same in other area. Whereas he says he does not have this weakness. He used to be overtly mean and controlling. I have oent up severe anger over this.
We both work full time, but he is home by 12 usually and does ppwk. He washes his own clothes (he's very picky), makes the kids lunches, grocery shops, pays the bills, takes care of the pool and yard, and makes most of the kids dinners. I clean up after meals, clean the house, wash the kids and my clothes, and work. I usually make doctor appointments and he has started to help with that at times due to our schedules.
He basically says he can handle all of this and Incantations. But that it is easy for him and he does it happily. I should just be grateful. And from the outside anyone would agree. But when your husband wanrs to be able to say that something is just above your level of capability, how would anyone react?
I have heard women say similar things of their husbands for years. And people just sort of laugh it off.
I dont think things are above my capability. I think he is a control freak. I will admit that u thrive on routine and often have trouble with physical skills (discoordinated) so I have to try harder. But, I feel minimized by his words. And he wants me to not get so mad that he has to tip toe around this issue. He asks why cant I just accept what is a fact?
We both work full time, but he is home by 12 usually and does ppwk. He washes his own clothes (he's very picky), makes the kids lunches, grocery shops, pays the bills, takes care of the pool and yard, and makes most of the kids dinners. I clean up after meals, clean the house, wash the kids and my clothes, and work. I usually make doctor appointments and he has started to help with that at times due to our schedules.
He basically says he can handle all of this and Incantations. But that it is easy for him and he does it happily. I should just be grateful. And from the outside anyone would agree. But when your husband wanrs to be able to say that something is just above your level of capability, how would anyone react?
I have heard women say similar things of their husbands for years. And people just sort of laugh it off.
I dont think things are above my capability. I think he is a control freak. I will admit that u thrive on routine and often have trouble with physical skills (discoordinated) so I have to try harder. But, I feel minimized by his words. And he wants me to not get so mad that he has to tip toe around this issue. He asks why cant I just accept what is a fact?
I am a scatter brain. I am late for everything. Clutter follows me like dust clouds followed Pigpen from the Peanuts. My husband checks his clothing for loose threads, aligns crooked photos - on other people's walls - and never needs to write something down (or set a phone alarm) to remind him to do something.
Flip side? I am brimming with compassion. I love all people and hurt when they hurt and dance for their joy. He is stoic and cold. I can cook a masterful 4 course dinner with little more than frozen peas, ramen noodles, and a prayer - he has trouble boiling water.
Here's the reason we can get along: we acknowledge, respect, and LOVE each other's differences. (Usyally??). He does not belittle or berate me when I can't find my keys. I no longer tease him when he starts to get anxiety attacks over having dog hair on his pant. We don't always fully comprehend WHY we are the way we are and sometimes it still pisses him off when I make us 5 minutes late for a movie or I have to resist the urge to bite him when he rearranges magazines at the doctor's office - but we refrain. We use kind words.
You are fine the way you are. If he picks up extra duties that's on HIM. You will do it your way (or won't because it's not important to you) and he needs to learn to stuff it. Seriously. Those kind of undermining, unkind comments are relationship killers.
I know. I AM that person. I spent years picking and picking and picking at my husband. It isn't the reason for his affair, but I can see why he would be so welcoming to another woman complimenting and praising him.
I had to let go of a lot of stuff. And some stuff he had to step up on because I just could NOT live with the way things were. It's still an ongoing struggle but at least we both acknowledge that we can ask for changes in respectful, non judgmental ways. He can say: I really want to get to ___ by ___ time. It is very important to me that we leave by ___ time. I hear that. I cherish and embrace that. I can't ALWAYS be on time. I just don't care enough about most things. But when it really matters to him I make every effort - especially since he has asked kindly.
And me? I can shut my mouth and keep my opinions to myself. Pick my battles, so to speak. I can say: this isn't that big of a deal (or) this IS a big deal and I will courteously ask him to acknowledge my needs/wants/dislikes.
I am def more critical than him so it doesn't come as easily as it does for him - but we are BOTH a lot happier.
We're the same way in our household ... H is very methodical about things and will spend 30 minutes tracking down the missing 25 cents in the checkbook register. He thrives on order. But he has very little creativity on big issues and can't think outside the box. But man he keeps us organized and on track.
I have projects going all over the house and handle all the social responsibilities, deal with all the school events and details, and coordinate our family calendar. I orchestrate all the big picture stuff. On top of my job, which I organize quite well thankyouverymuch.
Somehow it all works together.
One we completely outsourced - hired a lawn company to keep up with fertilizing the lawn. Discovered it's only $10 more than buying all the stuff ourselves, lugging it all home, and taking the time to get it on the lawn.
There's a book title "Good to Great" which talks about getting the right person in the right seat on the bus in an organization. It's not that much different in families other than you have fewer people to work with.