Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I posted this on Infidelity and thought I would share my thoughts here, as well.
I have been here almost a year....my DDay was 8/14/14.
I find a recurring theme. We, as BS, read what others say, what their situation is, how they are handling things and we interject that our situation is different in this way and that way. We all seem to share some sort of hope. We find resources to support our hope. We buy into an industry that cashes in on our hope. We try MC, books, theories, anything to keep the hope going.
The honest truth is that we are all, as BS, married to people who lack character, act unethically and feel entitled. They were always like that, even the day we said I do. No one was coerced into an affair. It took a hundred choices over many days, weeks, months or years. Each and every choice could have been made differently at any point from the first hello.
We, as BS, can't manage a reconciliation. We have no pixie dust to change anyone else's behavior. Only they can change who they are, and most will never take on that task unless it is presented as an ultimatum for keeping the "marriage" together. Oh, they will buy into the industry stuff, because if we have hope they don't have to change. They learn the language and the moves very well. We want to believe, we have hope, after all.
I have read how a marriage wasn't perfect, how the communication could be better, how needs weren't met etc., but did WE handle that by having an affair? Did we lie, sneak around, tell people outside of our marriage we loved them? No, because we have character. No marriage is 100% perfect....none. But 100% of our spouses cheated instead of respecting us and discussing any perceived problem. Only 50% of those in marriages here cheated....our spouses.
Unless and until we step away from their manipulative drama and dump the responsibility for their change of character on them, we will forever be BS's. Unless we see measurable change in their world view, we will be BS again and again and again. We may hear their learned lessons repeated fluently and convincingly to keep our hope alive. We may even be tempted to "help" in some way, but no one can "fix" anyone else or their thinking.
Many stay without those changes being made by the CS. Everyone does what works best in their life. There is no right or wrong, but please understand and do it with your eyes open and without dysfunction ruling your life. Your CS is exactly like every other CS, unethical and entitled. Don't be surprised if you find out 4 years or 10 years down the road that what you thought happened, was completely different. And if they never made an individual decision (without promise or hope of you being there in the future) to change their life and world view in measurable ways, expect to be here talking about the next affair far into the future.
I am not trying to say every BS needs to leave immediately and never look back, but please know what you are dealing with is a very long term change. Do it with your eyes open and the knowledge that you will be fine no matter what course you decide is best in your life at this moment or any moment in the future. Be true to yourself and value yourself, first and foremost.
I have been here almost a year....my DDay was 8/14/14.
I find a recurring theme. We, as BS, read what others say, what their situation is, how they are handling things and we interject that our situation is different in this way and that way. We all seem to share some sort of hope. We find resources to support our hope. We buy into an industry that cashes in on our hope. We try MC, books, theories, anything to keep the hope going.
The honest truth is that we are all, as BS, married to people who lack character, act unethically and feel entitled. They were always like that, even the day we said I do. No one was coerced into an affair. It took a hundred choices over many days, weeks, months or years. Each and every choice could have been made differently at any point from the first hello.
We, as BS, can't manage a reconciliation. We have no pixie dust to change anyone else's behavior. Only they can change who they are, and most will never take on that task unless it is presented as an ultimatum for keeping the "marriage" together. Oh, they will buy into the industry stuff, because if we have hope they don't have to change. They learn the language and the moves very well. We want to believe, we have hope, after all.
I have read how a marriage wasn't perfect, how the communication could be better, how needs weren't met etc., but did WE handle that by having an affair? Did we lie, sneak around, tell people outside of our marriage we loved them? No, because we have character. No marriage is 100% perfect....none. But 100% of our spouses cheated instead of respecting us and discussing any perceived problem. Only 50% of those in marriages here cheated....our spouses.
Unless and until we step away from their manipulative drama and dump the responsibility for their change of character on them, we will forever be BS's. Unless we see measurable change in their world view, we will be BS again and again and again. We may hear their learned lessons repeated fluently and convincingly to keep our hope alive. We may even be tempted to "help" in some way, but no one can "fix" anyone else or their thinking.
Many stay without those changes being made by the CS. Everyone does what works best in their life. There is no right or wrong, but please understand and do it with your eyes open and without dysfunction ruling your life. Your CS is exactly like every other CS, unethical and entitled. Don't be surprised if you find out 4 years or 10 years down the road that what you thought happened, was completely different. And if they never made an individual decision (without promise or hope of you being there in the future) to change their life and world view in measurable ways, expect to be here talking about the next affair far into the future.
I am not trying to say every BS needs to leave immediately and never look back, but please know what you are dealing with is a very long term change. Do it with your eyes open and the knowledge that you will be fine no matter what course you decide is best in your life at this moment or any moment in the future. Be true to yourself and value yourself, first and foremost.
Most CS deserve a chance to fix what they broke.
That's where the hope lies. Also generalities and sound like absolutes. Each situation is different even if similar principles apply. But obviously if the CS doesn't take the bull by the horns and work on himself or herself, to evaluate why he did what he did and take measures to correct that in himself and in the behaviors that he exhibits, there isn't a lot of hope. If they do, then there is hope.
The catch is in knowing which way the CS is going. Sometimes it's obvious they aren't working on themselves, fixing their issues, sometimes it's obvious they are. Sometimes it's not easy to tell. Depends a lot on the persons involved and their relationship dynamic.
Having just past four years from the day myself, I can say my case that it is obvious she made changes, significant changes. For that I'm thankful and blessed. And I still have hope.
I didn't have much "character" while my husband was having his affair. No, I wasn't banging around with someone else, but I had entirely shut my husband out. I had tried to put changes in motion to make our marriage better for me, and when that failed, I just lived my life separate from my husband, but under the same roof. That isn't being a woman of strong character, that's being a quitter without truly quitting.
Does that give him license to cheat? No. But it does mean that I don't get to sit on some high horse and preach about how I am SO MUCH better and filled with so much character than my husband. He made bad choices. So did I. Unlike some, our marriage was universally weak in virtually all areas and from both sides, so it really was a matter of time before something broke bad. And it did. That was our rock bottom that gave us both reason to turn things around.
I agree that many times it is the BS who comes looking for support and desperate for hope to save a marriage, but often that is due to the huge amount of anguish and lost sense of direction. The CS very well may be hurting too, but almost always have had some sort of positive experience (good sex, renewed sense of self confidence, opportunity to explore/grow/whatever). It's harder to want reach out to others for "help" when you're either feeling justified or else under a heavy burden of shame. And at least here on DS, those CS who have come seeking help on the general infidelity forum desperate to save their relationships are often shamed, or at least told that this is all their fault, so deal with it.
I understand why the CS is demonized. I'm not saying that the choices of a CS should be ignored or excused, but we are all human. We all make poor choices sometimes. I literally laugh out loud when I hear a BS say, "well, *I* wasn't the one who cheated!" when excusing their own poor behaviors, because seriously - you might have. The offer wasn't put in front of you, so you didn't take it. That doesn't mean you're a better person, just that you haven't had to walk that mile.
I absolutely believe that for a relationship to not just survive - but THRIVE - after infidelity, BOTH partners need to be 100% invested in building a marriage that they both define as satisfying. Clearly if a CS is just "along for the ride" and not truly willing to put forth the effort needed, the marriage is doomed.
The same can be said for the BS, though.
The point I was trying to make, is that CS...and BS...were who they are the day they were married. I get a little crazy when people feel the CS somehow turned to the dark side over some perceived lack in the marriage.
I also think BS have selfishness, entitlement, etc in them. No one is perfect, as no marriage is perfect.
Do two people need to work together on a marriage...certainly, marriage is a partnership. Do I think you have a marriage on DDay, no. I am certainly not saying BS don't need to seek help and work on their own issues....I do it regularly in therapy. However, I have very strong feelings about marital therapy. To me, the affair had nothing to do with me, period. The best, and healthiest day of my life was when I stopped MC.
No, Jaymee, I am not saying a CS will never be faithful, I am saying an extremely entitled manipulator who lacked ethical behavior will cheat again and again.
Lisa, I think short term things can set up for serious problems down the road. That is why I posted this in Infidelity. To me, this year following DDay is critical. I get really sad and crazy when I see people being advised to stay dysfunctional, and not acknowledging the type of person who carried out this behavior and instead looking for what suddenly broke, or how the marriage wasn't so great, or any number of things that takes the responsibility of permanent world view change away from the CS.
Cole, when I talk about changes, I mean measurable, significant changes. As I said, I posted this in Infidelity because I think many people end up years later being hit again with infidelity because they made choices that did not put the CS in a position to work on their own....without assistance or urging for the sake of the marriage. I really wanted people to step out of the emotion and hopey changey thinking and consider exactly what they have on their hands....for both of them.
Allora, I have no feeling of superiority over my husband, at all. In many ways, I have issues that are far worse than his entitlement....and I go to therapy to work on those. I was not demonizing CS, I am simply trying to have those with recent DDays to understand that they can't manage reconciliation because you can't change anyone else's way of thinking. I do have to say that the affair portion certainly IS all on them, because no matter what a BS did or didn't do within a marriage, they did not handle it by cheating. That step over the edge is a deep internal decision which can only be changed by seriously hard work and a willingness to do it for themselves not the marriage.
I am 1 year out and have been down many routes, but the route of my husband deciding, on his own, to seek therapy and me doing the same and looking at us both with clear understanding has made me much happier. Maybe on the approach of year 2 and beyond things will change, after all, I have changed many things in this year and many of the approaches. My only point in writing this was to give new people a new look...there is plenty of stuff out there about fixing marriages, but what I needed was to know that if the parts you use are broken the marriage will also be forever broken and that each part must repair itself to make it whole. That message is scarce.