Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
I have a difficult situation going on and I would like your advice. I have already gotten some advice and have been thinking about the best way to handle this situation.
Several years ago I was a PT caretaker for a man about my Dads age in his 70s. He has some pretty debilitating health conditions. He went into a nursing home about 3 or so years ago. He has pretty much no one to help him. I couldn't just abandon him so I took on helping him. I am his POA both medical and financial and his Custodian VIA the VA. I am the one the nursing home contacts for everything concerning him. I visit him 2 or 3 times a month. He would like me to visit more but I am excruciatingly busy.
When I was caretaking for him, it was obvious he loved me but he was always appropriate. Since being in the nursing home he has been increasingly forward with me. Wanting hugs and kisses and touching my butt a few times and trying, always trying to get me to kiss him on the lips and making sexually suggestive comments. He has mild dementia and it is not progressive. His forwardness increased when I was in my A even though he knew nothing of it. I found it interesting that he seemed to be catching the "vibes" even though I have NEVER EVER thought of him in that way and tried to be careful of my behavior around him. It's been over 2.5 years since my A but his forwardness continues to increase.
I have always been obedient to him since I work for him. He's a bit of a bully when he doesn't get his way. Part of what he has always like about me so much is that I am so compliant with him. He often said I am the perfect woman. I would roll my eyes behind his back because he only said that because I did everything he ever asked of me. My way of dealing with his forwardness has been to sidestep, ignore, distract, substitute. That's not working anymore as he is being too demanding and direct and groping at me every chance he gets. He now thinks of me as his lover even though he well knows that I am married and I keep telling him no both directly and by deflection but I keep letting things slide by. It's gotten to the point where I now have to draw a hard line with him and be firm and it's not gonna be easy. I've never taken it that seriously until it got so much worse recently, though his attitude made me uncomfortable. His recent aggressiveness, though, is forcing the issue.
I shouldn't have "humored him" all this time. It just snuck up on me. Seems pretty harmless on the surface, an old man in a wheel chair in a nursing home. It just doesn't feel harmless anymore. Another reason I am putting this here is because it illustrates a big contributing factor to my A's. Passiveness, mixed signals, letting things slide, hating to say no, hating confrontation, not wanting to upset anyone. Difference between my A's and this situation is a complete and total lack of temptation as well as extreme discomfort with the situation on my part. It's time for me to practice saying NO and meaning it and making the boundaries stick even if it means some difficult visits. I will not stop visiting him, but I hold the cards. He's not very mobile. He can't do anything I don't allow. Except with his words of course. I think that is what I am so nervous about.
Several years ago I was a PT caretaker for a man about my Dads age in his 70s. He has some pretty debilitating health conditions. He went into a nursing home about 3 or so years ago. He has pretty much no one to help him. I couldn't just abandon him so I took on helping him. I am his POA both medical and financial and his Custodian VIA the VA. I am the one the nursing home contacts for everything concerning him. I visit him 2 or 3 times a month. He would like me to visit more but I am excruciatingly busy.
When I was caretaking for him, it was obvious he loved me but he was always appropriate. Since being in the nursing home he has been increasingly forward with me. Wanting hugs and kisses and touching my butt a few times and trying, always trying to get me to kiss him on the lips and making sexually suggestive comments. He has mild dementia and it is not progressive. His forwardness increased when I was in my A even though he knew nothing of it. I found it interesting that he seemed to be catching the "vibes" even though I have NEVER EVER thought of him in that way and tried to be careful of my behavior around him. It's been over 2.5 years since my A but his forwardness continues to increase.
I have always been obedient to him since I work for him. He's a bit of a bully when he doesn't get his way. Part of what he has always like about me so much is that I am so compliant with him. He often said I am the perfect woman. I would roll my eyes behind his back because he only said that because I did everything he ever asked of me. My way of dealing with his forwardness has been to sidestep, ignore, distract, substitute. That's not working anymore as he is being too demanding and direct and groping at me every chance he gets. He now thinks of me as his lover even though he well knows that I am married and I keep telling him no both directly and by deflection but I keep letting things slide by. It's gotten to the point where I now have to draw a hard line with him and be firm and it's not gonna be easy. I've never taken it that seriously until it got so much worse recently, though his attitude made me uncomfortable. His recent aggressiveness, though, is forcing the issue.
I shouldn't have "humored him" all this time. It just snuck up on me. Seems pretty harmless on the surface, an old man in a wheel chair in a nursing home. It just doesn't feel harmless anymore. Another reason I am putting this here is because it illustrates a big contributing factor to my A's. Passiveness, mixed signals, letting things slide, hating to say no, hating confrontation, not wanting to upset anyone. Difference between my A's and this situation is a complete and total lack of temptation as well as extreme discomfort with the situation on my part. It's time for me to practice saying NO and meaning it and making the boundaries stick even if it means some difficult visits. I will not stop visiting him, but I hold the cards. He's not very mobile. He can't do anything I don't allow. Except with his words of course. I think that is what I am so nervous about.
Imagine if he were a pre-schooler. You know how they are. "LOOK, MOM! A FAT LADY!" Sometimes they honestly don't really "get" what's appropriate, and sometimes they totally do and they're just pushing because they figure they can get away with it. This gentleman is probably the same sort of mix. I don't mean that he's a child, just that he's a HUMAN and you just need to firmly establish boundaries with him.
Be specific as far as the rules, "I am not comfortable with you touching my butt." or "I don't like it when you say things like that," and then be specific as far the consequences. "If you touch me like that again, I won't come back next week to visit." (Or whatever... the specifics are obviously up to you.) I've found this works very well with co-workers and with co-volunteers, except when they were just skeezy guys. Then I ended up having to report the situation, but it sounds like this guy is genuinely fond of you and probably just figures he can get away with his lasciviousness.
I understand setting boundaries and all of that, but sometimes men just need a good old fashioned talking to.
Sometimes with Alzheimer's certain aspects of their personality become amplified and trying to reel them in can be difficult. I would try the cole talking thing incase it's not Alzheimer's. But if it is, you may just need to cut ties.
Rather, I want to see Gabi deal with him. Learn to say "NO" when it is hard. This difficulty in saying no is what got her in trouble early last year when OM#2 called her out of the blue and asked her to talk with him. She didn't say no. If something seems innocent, like giving a guy your phone number, despite it crossing boundaries, you've got to realize this is something worth "hurting their feelings over" by saying no and responding with actions that say no.
This is one area that still worries me. I have yet to see her, when an opportunity arises, effectively reject someone, even with her clients. We started cleaning the house of this lady several months ago, who Gabi described as the worst micro-manager she'd ever had. She hoovered over us, questing our every move and felt she had to help with things like taking sheets off the bed--had to be done a certain way, etc. We hated going there and it was draining.
I said, "Why don't we drop her?" Gabi certainly wanted to. We dreaded going there. I even read in a business book that one should get rid of emotionally draining clients and stick with ones you enjoy working with or at least don't dread. But she couldn't bring herself to confront the person and say, "This just isn't working out for either of us." She endured until such a client let her go. I've seen this dynamic play out with more than one client she dreaded going to.
And I could list examples during her A where she crossed boundaries because she couldn't say no. The few times she attempted it, it was just words because her actions didn't back it up. Like when she sat in her car with OM#2 and said this had to end. She should have told him to leave at that point, and/or get out of the car until he did. Instead she said that, but ended up making out at that point...because she couldn't say no in the end.
So I see this as safe practice on her part. I know she has no desire for him romantically. She has said "no" in actions by pulling away from him when he tries to touch her. But she's crossed some boundaries that are not healthy for any relationship outside the marriage, however innocent they may seem on the surface. This is her opportunity to practice saying no and using actions to follow that, so that when OM calls out of the blue again, she can say "no" and hang up. Or recognize where boundaries are and refuse to cross them, no matter how badly the other person appears to want you to.
As Jesus said:
But let your word be 'Yes', 'yes,' ; or 'No,' 'no.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.
(Mat 5:37 EMTV)
A lot of evil could be avoided if we had the courage to say no more often. Gabi needs to learn how to do this, and this is a good opportunity to learn. Because chances are I won't be there the next time she needs to say no to some guy who wants her.
I was going to do this Tuesday as I had time and was passing near the nursing home, but I had had a frustrating situation just prior to that time and I was definitely NOT in a good frame of mind for it. Not sure when my next good opportunity will be. Very busy schedule coming up. If I am up for it I may get it over with over the weekend. I really don't want to put it off too long.
I'm working through a similar situation at the moment and understand some of the feelings you have about it. It's unfair that the person who is the recipient of unwanted/unfair actions is the one who is in knots about how to handle it while the person creating the awkward situation is oblivious. The wrong person cares.
In my situation its a parent taking advantage of a ministry I'm involved in and we're in the the process of setting boundaries that aren't being well received. But you know what? She doesn't seem to care that she's creating a bad situation for everyone else so at some point I have to stop caring as much too. When I really think about it, what am I worried about? Future awkwardness? She'll be mad at me? She'll say bad things about me? Others will think badly about me?
When a fellow Scouting volunteer was skirting the boundaries of appropriate, I didn't want to cause waves. I didn't want to rock the boat. It was easier to just avoid the guy or pretend everything was ok or "smile and bear it" since "it wasn't that bad". Except I knew that it might get worse and that if it did things would get really messy, so I thought, "If this were a scout, how would I handle it?"
For some reason, it's easier to wrap our brains around boundaries being for safety when it comes to kids. But let's face it: boundaries for safety never ends. Safety is important in friendships, marriages, and even with being a guardian to someone. Even though this gentleman isn't a child, his safety and well being are at risk because if he pushes too far, Gabi will be unwilling and unable to offer the care and friendship she does. And of COURSE Gabi's well being is at risk, too, being put in such an uncomfortable situation.
So. Yeah. Would you let someone climb a rickety ladder just so you wouldn't hurt their feelings by stopping them from doing something they wanted to do? Of course not. You'd say, "Um. Not a good idea, please stop." Switching mindset from "feelings" to "safety" sometimes makes the hard choices easier.
Okay, so I had the talk with him and I actually think it went pretty well. He accepted my boundaries "for now" he said. I will have to reinforce them every time I visit. The social worker said if I continue to have trouble with him I can simply call ahead and they will have him in the sitting room or dining room waiting for me. Sounds like a plan.