I am here today because I have been in counseling to deal with some of my general anxiety, and my counselor shakes her head in amusement every time I go because as messed up as I feel like I am, I kind of know a lot of stuff.  Anyone who has been through infidelity and come out the other side knows a lot of stuff: stuff about healing, about self preservation, about moving forward instead of spinning one's wheels in the past, about loss and love and trust issues and nightmares and fears and hopes and dreams and rebuilding from the ashes.  I could go on and on.  Chances are, if you're reading this, you happen to know a lot of stuff, too.

I encourage you to keep learning stuff.  A lot of stuff. Life is not a destination.  There is no "happily ever after."  There is only RIGHT NOW.  Are you making the most of your right now?  I hope so.

Also, there is no one right path - reconciling after infidelity is NOT an option for some couples - and that is perfectly OK.  For those who have reconciled, some read books, watched videos, listened to radio programs, or leaned heavily on their faith.  Some told their whole family and all their friends and maybe even total strangers, while others kept things on the down low.  Some found insight and help in counseling, while others found bonding together "us against the world" was their best path.  I read voraciously, and my husband and I both found a huge amount of insight and learned valuable skills in the Marriage Builders Program.  Whatever you do, own your path and don't be afraid to fumble through it.  It's OK. 

For those who are in the beginning stages shortly after discovery: love yourself and be as nurturing and loving to yourself as you can be.  This isn't your fault.  It isn't even about you, no matter what anyone says. 

For those who are further along and have definitively decided to reconcile: love your partner (even if what you have to offer is agape love and not romantic love) and be as nurturing and loving toward your relationship and partner as you can be.  Love begets love.  Kindness grows kindness.  You can hurt without having to hurt back.  May seem impossible, but it's not.

For those who have reconciled and feel like recovery isn't exactly all you'd hoped it would be?  Count your blessings, to start.  Things may be better than you are allowing.  In the second place, take stock of reality vs. expectation and wholly dive your mind into the reality.  Really look at it curiously and as open mindedly as you can.  Again... there is no "final destination" (save death, I suppose?) so accept that it's another part of your journey and that you may be able to adjust course on to one far more satisfying.  What can you do to make the journey better?  What can your spouse do?  Ask.  Ask again.  It's ok to keep negotiating your relationship - in fact it's necessary.  What you needed 3 months or 3 years ago is totally different than what you need today.

I wish you all well in your recovery and reconciliation.  The work can be excruciating and tedious, at times, but it can be SO worth it.  It can also be funny and tender and sweet and romantic and FREAKING SEXY - if you look for and embrace those things.  I am married to my best friend and my partner.  We have the marriage I never knew could exist, and his infidelity was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage.  (Though, I do wish we'd taken a different road... still.)